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2008 is dead. Good riddance, ye foul wench! To ring in the new year, we here at the Minus World decided to dry hump our crystal balls, shuffle the tarot cards, and roll out some predictions for ‘09. Every single one of these is a thousand million zillion percent totally guaranteed to come true, so rest easy, we would never steer you wrong!
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Founding father Benji Franklin once said, “In this world nothing is certain but death and Asian pornography.” True to his word, another life has ended and our adoration for foreign filmed fudgerings has yet to fade. We must now pay our respects to another purveying patriarch of the past, Professor Hector. Early adopters of the NES will recall the Professor as the narcoleptic sprite who relied on his robotic operating buddy (R.O.B.) to keep his sleepwalking ass from getting groped to death by some questionably designed lizard things. This pixelated scholar is an oft overlooked, but true 8-bit O.G.
Ah Germany, a country where the beer flows like waterfalls and the woman flow scheizer in front of the camera for money. But when Germans aren’t filling steins with homemade liquids, they’re busy getting pissed off at Western game developers for making box art that little brät-boys and girls might find offensive. Adding a thumb to the previously thumbless Left 4 Dead cover art was a bold move, but seriously low on the creativity scale. Here are five admittedly stupider but much more fun alternate covers.
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2008 was a great year for gaming…and a horribly mediocre one. In the interest of fairness, the Minus World has decided to transform our sorta-weekly review segment and take a look back at the past 12 months of gaming, ferreting out the best of times and the worst of times from our beer-soaked work dungeon shimmering ivory tower, safe from the “You fail” slings and “Not funny” arrows hurled at us from the unrepentant internet masses. Well, until you crazy serious bastards get into a fanboy huff and spam our comments section like sugar-addled WoW raiders buffing their party repeatedly whilst yelling for their mothers to bring them soda.
So without further ado, let’s shine the world’s best magnifying glass upon some of the more memorable gaming moments of 2008, both good and bad. Either way this list will offend someone, so read on at your own peril.
Cape Canaveral, Florida - Back the fuck up, Doc Brown’s Delorean and Jeff Goldblum’s Transporter, there’s a new chimp in town - Smiles The Chimp! Recruited by a group effort between NASA and Nintendo (aptly named Project N2) Smiles the Super Chimp was ready to undergo one of the most daring missions known to chimps, The Warp Pipe. Mr. The Chimp underwent rigorous training, diet and an exercise routine to get that little bastard in tip top shape for the mission. Many call it “heroic.” Some call it “a waste of government money” and some astronauts say “we’re glad a chimp is going, broheim”. Minus World news reporters waited and watched pre-launch as Smiles’ family said their preemptive goodbyes to their simian comrade.
Touch screens, wi-fi multiplayer, cameras, that weird analog nipple nub thing on the PSP. It’s amazing how far hand-held gaming has really come. Nostalgic gamers today may remember Nintendo’s Game & Watch line, a uniquely primitive first attempt at portable gaming before moving on to make the ground-breaking Game Boy. Good times, right? The problem was, not everyone else moved on. In fact, some companies like Tiger Electronics and even Konami were dedicated to quelling the audible cheers of justifiably happy Game Boy adopters by flooding the market with their own gleaming examples of small-screened shit. Butchered and bastardized downgrades of popular console and even hand-held video games bombarded the market, mercilessly fooling thousands of children everywhere into thinking there were fun times ahead. Well, there sure as fuck weren’t, and here are five examples why. Read on
All the preparations, reservations, and whatever other ations are said and done, Minus World fans. Welcome to 2009!
New Years Treats:
Matt Casamassina And The Nintendo Swag Room Of Glory
The 2008 Minus World End Of The World Awards Of The Year Awards
Sony To Generously Send Orphanage 10,000 UMDs And A $20 Coupon Off A PSP
Plusses and Minuses: Castlevania: Order of Ecclesia
The Top 10 Most Disturbing Illustrations From Nintendo Power Magazine
‘Heavy Rain’ Is The Worst Name For A Video Game Ever
BREAKING: Popular Video Game Reviewer Admits He Didn’t Like Grand Theft Auto IV
Last Years’ Memories:
Comic: Eggplant Job
High-Maintenance: An Explication On Competing Gender Roles In Video Games
Dateline Cabela’s: To Catch A Predator
Harmonix Announces “Rock Band: Sax Out”
We hope you all had a happy and safe New Years, and join us in 2009 so we can melt your brain with laughter. How hilarious would that be? Like, if we literally melted your brain with laughter. We doubt your parents would find that very funny. But we would!
- The Minus World
The #1 archaeologist when it comes to unearthing rare Nintendo items has to be ign.com’s very own Matt Casamassina. His years of dedicated service in providing us all with an inside look into everything Nintendo is greatly appreciated, but we’re only human, and after watching him hoard rare Nintendo goodies for so long we’ve become koopa shell green with envy.
Join The Minus World as we set out on an epic last crusade to raid Matt Casamassina’s booby-trapped temple of priceless Big N-artifacts. Beware the giant boulder as you hit the jump.
As each year in gaming comes to an end, companies rush to fit as many on-check zeros into their last minute gaming site bribery payments as possible, hoping to ensure a spot on a coveted year end award list. Well, thanks for the money everyone, (especially that very generous offer from the developers of Pat Sajak’s Lucky Letters Deluxe) but we don’t exactly work that way. This largely unshaven, casually wagglin’, midnight launch camping drunk Uncle of an industry needs a head check every now and then, and a little holiday intervention seems like the perfect timing for such an occasion. So grab a flask of bottom tier alcohol, put down the controller, and haul your ass over here for a minute. 2008 ends when we say so.
In an uncharacteristic act of kindness, Sony has recently donated 10,000 UMDs to an orphanage in Malaysia with a $20 coupon off a PSP. A Sony Rep, Ted “Thumbs Up” Riker drove the U-Haul truck that carried the UMDs and stuck around to answer a few questions. When asked why Sony had decided make the donation, Ted replied, “Cuz we love kids pal, that’s why. Kids these days don’t want toys, they want movies. Movies for their favorite Sony PSP that they can watch in their bedrooms away from prying mother’s eyes. We’re giving kids a way to watch R-rated material without their parents knowing about it. On the bus to school, in a church confessional, or in their older sister’s closet, you know wherever!”
