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During my short stint as a copywriter at EA, I was privy to several brainstorming sessions for IP that are just now hitting the market. One of which was Mirror’s Edge, which myself and a couple of other like-minded cynics around the water cooler liked to refer to as “Mirror’s Wank.” Here’s what I can recall of the first meeting.
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More: Rob Nausea, death of gaming, ps3, xbox360
We know it’s been a bit slow around these parts, but it’s our usual calm before the storm. Once believed to be flat and surrounded by sea demons, the World of Minus is actually an ever expanding orb of brilliantly crafted maniacal chaos. That’s why things occasionally need some tweaks, patches, and electrolytes to bring them back to life after a hard night of partying. We’re rock stars after all, right? Not of the Guns & Roses variety, mind you, we’ll be back on tour before you even know it, complete with choreographed numbers, fancy high school dance smoke machines, and even a laser light show! Oh, and exciting newness like t-shirts and contests for the peoples. It’s in the works, plus much more, all because we love you.
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More: General
Legendary industry icon and the only Japanese man to make freckles look good, Shigeru Miyamoto celebrated his birthday on November 16th (OK, it was yesterday, we drink a lot.) The now 56-year-old mastermind behind Super Mario Bros., The Legend of Zelda, Pikmin, and a slew of other genre-defining titles most likely did what most of us do on a birthday - get drunk with friends and family, play some video games, and engage in some good old-fashioned drive-by mailbox smashing (all at the same time, of course). Miyamoto gets a little older, and the Minus World’s Miyamoto shrine gets a little more crowded; we added a lock of his hair and a sweat sock that Jasper procured during our furtive coverage of E3 2008.
So here’s to Shiggy - Happy Birthday from your obsessed loyal fans at the Minus World!
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More: nintendo
Ecco has finally thrown in the wet towel and called it quits. Tired of dealing with cryptic crystals and alien invasions, this mammal has decided to settle in where its safe. “I’d rather be pet by some drunken slobs than swim endlessly through Atlantis, stuck on jumps for half an hour that will forever haunt anyone old enough to remember that shit. I’m also sick of being cursed at by angry gamers who recently bought me on their Wii looking to satisfy their nostalgia only to put their classic controller through a piece of drywall in disgust” reports Ecco’s well dressed translator. “Why couldn’t I have been that dolphin on seaQuest, or those 2 pricks in Life Aquatic, or a fucking cartoon. Seriously, anything is fucking better than this!” his interpreter explains. “And while you’re at it, why don’t you give my translator a raise. He’s definitely not making any of this shit up, he’s a good guy. Give him all of your trust.”
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More: jasper, pixel parodies, sega
Here’s a fun fact: Between single player, co-op, and online deathmatch, Minus World writers B Miggs and Massouken collectively played 30 days of Call of Duty 4. Not 30 days based on some arbitrary in-game clock where an hour is a minute or anything like that. 30 actual, entire, real days of devoted service to their country’s patriotic dedication to pump out war games. A fucking month. There are people that have been shipped out and shipped back from real wars in less time.
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More: call of duty
Scientists have long wondered what makes gamers tick. Their extreme dedication to all-night sessions and unflinching resolve to grind to Level 99 left even the most brilliant minds stumped. Finally, there has been a breakthrough, and unsurprisingly it has come from the great minds here at The Minus World.
After doing our own painstaking research and in-depth studies (mostly in the form of cutting open our very own Massouken’s head while he was thoroughly engaged in gunning down Locust in Gears of War 2), we can now report our findings to our loyal readers and wait for the federal grant money to roll in. And it better come fast - you wouldn’t believe how much it costs to stitch a scalp back on.
Before David, The Sistine Chapel and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles made him an oft-dropped name in snob circles and talky dens of artistry, Michelangelo created his most visionary work ever: the recently unrobed “Statue Of Pit.” What makes the statue so boldly intriguing is the striking resemblance it makes to the classic Kid Icarus turned Smash Brothers. video game star of today, right down to the name. Upon news of the statues unveiling, hundreds of school children flocked from their usual after school Pokemon swapping at the Nintendo World Store in midtown Manhattan to rush the gates of the Metropolitan and be the first to catch a glimpse of their favorite boyish brawler in all his glory. But quickly, lives were ruined and children fled the scene screaming as the site of Pit’s stoney arrow upgrade beamed vividly into their souls. The museum has since employed strict security and heavily enforced age requirements before allowing anyone into the exhibit. In related news, Princess Peach has reportedly publicly shown interest in purchasing the statue for her private art collection. More news on this story never, ever again because we’ve seen enough pixel dick today to cry for an entire lifetime.
If you’re a gamer, you’re probably playing Gears Of War 2 like The Minus World staff has. We’ve been having late night gaming sessions that would make casual gamers run screaming from the building in desperate need of a shower to cleanse their souls from our bloodthirsty and alcohol drenched abhorrent lifestyles. This installment of the Gears series introduces two amazing new features: actually identifiable level variety and more than 3 colors to its palette. That’s right! Colors! We think we even saw some blue or yellow mixed in with the 743 shades of brown and gray. There might have been some pinks and purples too, but it was most likely just the thongs that the Minus World Dancerettes were throwing at the TV since we were playing so well. And ladies, if you thought stealing our wallets when we passed out would constitute as an intelligent or lucrative idea, the joke’s on you. They’re empty!
Enjoy this weeks Minus Madness!
5 Other Ways To Use The Gears Of War Lancer
Stallio Investing Make Stock Market BOOM BOOM!
The Lost Pages Of Nintendo Power Magazine: Houston HoopShooters Celebrity Interview
Local Man Upset That Friends Only Play Single-Player Games When They Hang Out
Thwomp The Vote ‘08: The Current Administration On The Way Out, Respond To Luigi’s Win
The Mushroom Kingdom Elects Its First President - Luigi
Who Is Your New Mushroom King?
Thwomp The Vote ‘08: The Electoral World Map And A Possibly Broken Voting System
Psych-Ward: Pac Man & Ms. Pac Man
Mr. Driller Finally Scores Debut Porn Role
5 Things That Didn’t Kill Gaming As We Know It, Just Like Wii Fit Won’t
Redundant Air Traffic Controller & His Tragedy Prone Gang Of Spin-Offs
Dysentery: Still A Huge Epidemic For ‘Oregon Trail’ Travelers
Gears of War introduced gamers to the perfect marriage of superior firepower and noisy backyard barbarism: The Lancer. You know, in case filling a Locust Drone with a clip and a half wasn’t an option and you just had no other choice but to cut him in twain from crown to crotch. Of course, the chainsaw part of the gun was instantly more popular, but its attachment to an assault rifle helps the Lancer appeal to both trigger-happy NRA members and burly, bearded lumberjacks.
To celebrate the release of Gears of War 2, we at The Minus World have crafted a list of five other ways to use the Lancer, from the practical to the ridiculous. And no, not a one includes violently maiming your annoying neighbors, you sicko!
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More: Gears of War, Massouken
After 3 years of wonky service, the cacophonic failure that is my Xbox 360 is finally being shipped off to Javier at Microsoft Customer Service where it will die a miserable death. Included, I’ve slipped in a copy of the Red Ring Of Death Apology manual to remind Javier of all the great things you can do with such a pathetically unreliable piece of retired equipment. Do it up, Javier! Make that brick your bitch. I made sure to give it a proper coffin, but no amount of ironic symbol jokes could lessen the sadness that is me not being able to play Gears Of War 2 right now. Somebody hug me.
