Super Smash Bros. Brawl - The Movie

the -minus world on March 31st, 2008

With all the wildly original video game source material Hollywood has to work with these days, you’d think they’d be able to get it right every now and then. Maybe its because the more serious stuff gets handled too seriously while the fun stuff gets ignored completely. Regardless, we’re sick of sitting idly and waiting for our favorite fan service fighting game to get made into the movie we’ve all dreamed of so we’re going to get things moving ourselves. We’ve got $37.50 in Gamestop store credit to start funding but we’re confident that once these studio execs see the epic cast of celebrities we’ve put together, Super Smash Bros. Brawl - The Movie will practically sell itself…

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Man Chained to Missile Command Arcade Cabinet Sends Secret Cry for Help

B Miggs on March 31st, 2008

Cherry Mitts Mountain, Colorado - Some old codger wandered into our corporate office today and Jasper and I both went ballistic from his incessant rantings. Turns out he was a “Classic Arcade Cabinet Repairman” who was was called into NORAD on a rather peculiar assignment. Damon McCab’nets, upright 80’s repairman and self-proclaimed “nostalgia restorer” had quite the story to tell: “They brought me to Bunker 15 where I was shocked to find some old bearded soul chained to a Missile Command Cabinet. No joke, he was literally dying for help, trying to squirm out of captivity while stankin’ like a leather couch after a 12 hour ‘I Love Lucy’ marathon.”

The man supposedly could barely speak and was trying to communicate with a series of sound effects he attempted to make through his parched mouth. Each time he did so, a security guard would taser his chains and it looked a lot like a scene from ‘Young Frankenstein’. “Let’s just say it was a good thing I wasn’t drinking milk, if you know what I mean! There’s no way to know he was actually using this machine to shoot down actual missiles or if this was some kind of hidden camera reality show. Either way, I never saw Ashton and I never once signed a waiver. As It ends up, somebody jammed some gum into the coin slot. Damn kids!”

McCab’nets was luckily able to take a few photos as proof of his tale. Apparently, sneaking a digi cam out of NORAD is easier than it sounds. Words won’t do this story the justice it deserves so hit the break to see what they’ve got locked up in there:

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Warning: Cigarettes And Video Games Kill Kids

agent b on March 27th, 2008

Confused and misguided political figures around the world are up to their usual bag of anti-gaming bullshit, threatening everyone from developers to awkward retail clerks over potentially violent video games. Not content that mature games are blatantly labeled “Mature” with a giant M on the box and the word “Mature” written underneath in bold text, the Prime Minister has proposed that video games get cigarette-style health warning stickers, too. Yeah, like I needed any more ugly, sticky shit to peel off my games when my cheap-ass buys them used.

I’m all for the warning labels, though, they won’t affect my buying habits. I look old enough to rarely get carded for liquor, let alone mature video games. Most cashiers just assume I rolled directly out of a cardboard box and into their store after trading my ID for a magical peyote adventure under a bridge. I should probably shave. But why limit the warning labels to just violent games? I’ve been buying games since the mid eighties and a lot of these things could’ve used a cautionary explanation on the box, regardless of their ratings.

And because i’m nice, here’s a few to get them started:

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Top 5 Tips To Meeting Girls On Xbox Live

the -minus world on March 25th, 2008

Before I begin, I’d like to let you know that I’ve gotten laid by using Xbox Live a record of 23 times in the last 3 months (achievement unlocked) and I’m here to show you the secrets Microsoft doesn’t want you to know. I could just be saying that, and I could just be making this up, but can you afford to pass this up? If your hand is as cramped as mine was before I bought a Gold Live membership, well then NO YOU CAN’T!!!

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Hey Game Video! Don’t Call While Stallio Is Making Sex!

STALLIO on March 24th, 2008

Ciao friends! I make more money than even police! So Stallio makes many game buy and trade?

Stallio love game video many store trip. When game video is not yet arrive, Stallio becomes great pre-ordering! Phone rings and Stallio rolls bicycle ride to make poetry finger with newest of friend!

But last night Stallio reach great distress when lady is under blanket practice loud mouth scherade… phone call interrupt! Gamestop call to remind Disney Gem Magic Game Video arrive? Lady not impress! She leave in the night to great loneliness and she never return.

Don’t ever call while Stallio is making sex! It’s like make a banana in my business!

Ciao friends!

A Letter From Chico Christmas

the -minus world on March 20th, 2008

Hey Chico,

Thanks for checking the site and sending us your drawing!

Frankly, we’re amazed at the attention to detail you guys put into this costume. The high heel boots n’ spurs, the hairy shoulders…you even figured out a way to sew buttons into your actual skin, just like the real Link! I mean he does that all the time when he’s riding horseback on his way to a MENTAL INSTITUTION, YOU INSANE FUCK?!?!

We here at the Minus World Headquarters had a 45 minute debate as to whether or not the drawing had breasts or see-through pockets with tic-tacs inside them. Then we repeatedly gouged our own eyes until DYFS showed up and found your letter. There are probably far better ways we could’ve handled this situation but our current stability levels (which are floating around “hopelessly paranoid and misanthropic” thanks to this letter) kept us from doing things any smoother. Now the tears only climb back in when we cry. Merry Christmas, Chico!
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Somebody Give Bubble Man A Pet Monkey

agent b on March 19th, 2008

Mega Man 2’s “Bubble Man” may seem to have things on lock within the confining context of his own underwater estate, rife with deadly piranhas, spiked corridors and killer….shrimp? But put Bubble Man side-by-side with his projectile thematic robo-brothers at the annual Dr. Wily Lab Creation Convention Picnic and his laughable little bubble blasts look straight up pathetic in comparison. I mean, check what his co-workers can do: Metal Man resides in a decapitating hell factory where he constantly trains himself to shoot violent spinning gear blades at the series’ protagonist, Air Man, Wood Man and Heat Man are all masters of their respective deadly elements, and Flash Man can fucking stop time. Bubble Man? He shoots bubbles, and bubbles only catch the attention of puppies, three-year olds, and Phil Lesh fans.

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GameStop Not Accepting Collected Days Of Not Having Sex As Store Credit

jasper on March 17th, 2008

Gamestop Headquarters - 9th ring of Hell, NJ - My name is Naniel Pezzywinks and I am 29 years old. I can grow a full beard if I want to. My collection of poseable anime statuettes has been linked to by Destructoid over 6 times, 4 of which received comments (3 of which were me.)

What a shitty month it’s been! First I broke my Highlander sword in the backyard. Then I lost my favorite set of 759 sided dice in Hot Topic. I don’t have to tell you, friends, the pewter goblin goblet is half empty ‘ova here’.

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Forget Lolcats, Gaming With Lolchinchillas Is Where It’s At

the -minus world on March 14th, 2008

Hit the jump for more!

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