pokefreaks
mypocket
bixby
Mike
jasper
Kaptain M'Bargo
The Sub Standard, punch-out, racism, tyson
And in the nineteenth hundred and ninetieth year A.D., the Lord created Super Nintendo…and it was good. Upon its American release, people flocked to their nearest video game retailer and embraced the new console as a welcomed diversion from their meaningless lives filled with crappy sitcoms (i.e. Step by Step) and hair metal (i.e. Night Ranger). Also, in the same year, Nintendo decided to rename the titles of one of their most popular 8-bit games (Mike Tyson’s Punch Out!) to simply “Punch Out!.”
Truth be told, people shouldn’t give two shits about old school Nintendo game names after Super Nintendo came out …hell, I don’t think Nintendo really cared in the first place (c’mon guys…. Rad Racer? Really?). Most people who were into video games were too busy playing Super Mario World to care about 8-bit titles….even if “Dig-Dug” had been changed to “Super Pedophile Cocaine Master” on the older console. Who cares about the past when it comes to stuff like this? Worry about the present people. That’s like our government right now cracking down on pornography by destroying old 8mm burlesque footage of two-hundred pound broads in pasties flopping around to swing music while the kiddies pound off to trannies online.
So why change the name of the game? Tyson’s contract with Nintendo expired and around the same time he also lost the title to Buster Douglas. Oh…and the pending rape charges on Iron Mike at the time seemed to make him an unsavory video game role model for the tots so they wanted to make the title more benign. Fair enough. I suppose leaving it as “Mike Tyson’s Punch Out” would be a tad inappropriate. Hey…you know what else is a tad inappropriate? THE WHOLE FUCKING GAME!
I’ll forgive the fact that the main character of the game, Little Mac, sounds more like a Mickey D’s dollar-menu item than a boxer. But basically this little troll’s entire boxing career revolves around going across the globe beating up ethnic stereotypes with the help of Carl Winslow from Family Matters.
First up on the docket is Glass Joe. He is a weak pussy…and he’s from France. Ha Ha. Clearly, Nintendo was taking a little jab at France for being cowardly in every conflict since that historic Cane vs. Abel B.C. title fight for the Bible belt. Quite frankly, I don’t know why France gets such a bad rap from people. If it wasn’t for the French, we would all still be kissing like burn victims with cold sores. Between rounds Glass Joe pathetically asks, “Do I have time to take a nap before the fight?” And if you knew that…it means you had to go into the second round with Glass Joe…which means you couldn’t beat Glass Joe in 30 seconds…which means you should probably stop playing (and reading about) video games and worry more about not sucking so hard at life.
The second person Little Mac fights is, much like Glass Joe, a member of the “I Could Get My Ass Kicked by a One-legged Man” boxing team by the name of Von Kaiser. Von Kaiser is a German caricature that stems from the logic: Since Hitler was a genocidal fuckhead…all German people must be pricks. Wunderbar!
Hey, have you ever had one of those friends that says something really racist against black people but stupidly tries to placate everyone by assuring, “Dude it’s ok…I have friends who are black.” ….or maybe you have a friend that hits women but eases your fears because you know his mom is a woman so it’s all good? Well along those same lines, Nintendo throws in Piston Honda as a red herring to allay any suspicions that Punch Out is racist. I recommend that you intentionally go two rounds with Piston just so you can read him nonsensically utter “Sushi, Kamikaze, Fujiyama, Nipponichi.” Yeah. Japan basically kicks itself in the nuts here.
Don Flamenco is a gay dude from Spain. I must say I do like fighting him because it’s probably the closest I’ll ever get to knowing what it feels like to beat up Dick Van Dyke.
The other day I was talking to my friend about how coincidental it is that King Hippo is a fat guy named hippo…from a place also called Hippo. But for some reason my friend got weirded out by the whole conversation and we haven’t talked since. Well if he’s reading this, I just want to let him know…I miss you Bignose America and I hope we can still be buddies. King Hippo’s weight is listed as unknown…it’s not because he’s particularly vain…it’s that his enormous stomach is in the way so he can’t read the scale. Punch him in his swollen gut and don’t feel bad about it.
Great Tiger is a brown fellow like me…and I personally cannot think of a better ambassador than him to represent the “medium rare” pigmented people. Punch Out really nailed Southeast Asians on the head…which, incidentally, is where we all wear turbans with giant shimmering bling on it. A word to the wise…if you know any Sikhs, and their turban glimmers in the sun for a second….brace yourself. A whirlwind of pain is coming for you my friend.
The next guy you fight is Bald Bull. He’s probably the first dude that might give you a little bit of trouble to beat. I remember fighting him for the first time many years ago and having some difficulty.
Between rounds I anxiously looked to my beloved trainer Doc for words of advice and encouragement…anything to keep me going in my time of need. In his infinite wisdom, Doc told me to “Join the Nintendo Fun Club Today!” When I went back out there for round two…I wondered if Little Mac could somehow turn around back into his corner and punch Doc in the face for being fucking useless.
And so it goes.
The game trudges along with more stereotypes like Soda Popinski (originally named Vodka Drunkensky…but that would be pushing the envelope right?). So rather than bore you with my witty insight on the rest of the fighters, I decided to come up with some of my own. I figure if you are going to be ignorant…don’t half-ass that shit…anything worth doing is worth doing all the way. So why not have…
Sleepy Gonzales.
If you lose to him…you have to play as him for the rest of the game because, like all Mexicans, he’s out to steal your job. Between rounds he has a giant sombrero over his face because he is taking a siesta.
Rabbi Uppercuttawitz.
Don’t bother to try and beat him. He’s bought the ref and the media.
Pope-a-Dope.
Fighting this guy means being alone with him. Take your chances but watch your ass…for real. Between rounds try to figure out if you socked him in the eye or if he is just winking at you.
Happy gaming, folks!
Illustrations by Gus
25 comments 
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03.3.2008 ,
at 9:24 am
that is some great artwork, I’d like to hire that artist to do some character sketches for my book.
AIM: Oxyborb if interested.
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03.3.2008 ,
at 10:10 am
How to get in touch with Gus ? Loves his artwork.
Thanks
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03.3.2008 ,
at 10:55 am
lmao these guys make a great post and all these commenters want is the artist?
From the looks of this blog I thought it’s been around for a while but it looks like only a few posts/comics have been put up, all awesome.
This blog is faved for sure.
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03.3.2008 ,
at 3:06 pm
Gus is actually an employee of Blizzard at the moment. We’ll have his contact up soon…
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03.4.2008 ,
at 12:17 am
Tell Gus that, as a Mexican, I approve of his art.
In fact, I wish it was a real boxer. His design just kicks too much ass.
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03.4.2008 ,
at 9:06 am
Come on, the truth is that the game’s so bloody hard you never got past Soda Popinski, so you don’t know who’s next. Right? Right?
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03.4.2008 ,
at 9:59 am
Nice article. Did you by any chance go to Rutgers?
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03.4.2008 ,
at 11:46 am
I have to say, as an Italian, I was a little disappointed that the 8 bit version didn’t take a jab at the green, white and red..but I guess at the time Nintendo was busy abusing the Italian culture with their stereotypical happy-go-lucky pussy whipped plumber owning the spotlight.
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03.4.2008 ,
at 1:24 pm
I’d like to see his comments on Mr. Sandman, Super Macho Man, or anyone from Super Punch-Out.
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03.4.2008 ,
at 2:11 pm
Meh, sounded like a poor excuse to be offended by something.
A. Punch out is from an error where everyone wasn’t a spineless wuss
B. It’s not racist if you make a caricature of every race because there is no claim of racial superiority and if you can’t have a harmless laugh at someone’s race then you shouldn’t make fun of their weight, intelligence or height either. In fact don’t make fun of anyone.
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03.4.2008 ,
at 2:37 pm
Subs and Gus are the shit!
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03.4.2008 ,
at 6:59 pm
BladesOfSteel89, they did take on those greasy Italians in the original Punch-Out!! arcade game. Pizza Pasta was his name.
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03.4.2008 ,
at 10:33 pm
To Toadwarrior who stated:
“Meh, sounded like a poor excuse to be offended by something.
A. Punch out is from an error [sic] where everyone wasn’t a spineless wuss”
Your comment is from an ERA where some people don’t understand that my accusations claiming Punch Out is racist are said in jest. It’s not like I’m seeking reparations here because I’ve been emotionally scarred by an 8-bit video game.
Punch-Out is an endearing piece of nostalgia from my childhood that I was playfully taking a jab at… It does not offend me…you butchering the English language does. I hope your kids die in a fire in front of you. Thanks for checking out our site and keep those comments coming! :) -
03.5.2008 ,
at 9:43 pm
This woulda been hilarious……..
…..if only I hadn’t done this same blog last year.
http://blog.myspace.com/index......B660732881
Quit swagger jackin, nigga.
Tigallo
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03.6.2008 ,
at 12:45 am
Phonte,
Had we known your blog existed, we probably would’ve…nah, we still would’ve ran with ours since not only does it contain a unique set of commentary but also features wildly original artwork. An interesting thing about comedy is that it is very likely that numerous minds will interpret news and pop cultural items in different ways comedically, especially when the source material is 20 years old and blatantly fucking obvious.
As a side note, Little Brother is dope. Please do more songs with 9th Wonder. Thanks for visiting.
peace
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03.6.2008 ,
at 2:28 am
Jeez, this post makes you look like a real bitch. Want me you gib you a wobby pop, poor baby?
None of these are stereotypes at all. The only one that comes close is the Russian Drunk. That is, unless you count Mike Tyson, the unbeatable Superior Black Man. That’s probably the crudest and most offensive stereotype but you don’t even mention it.
FAIL.
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03.6.2008 ,
at 3:34 am
“Abort Mission” should have been the initial response after your father’s condom broke instead of a mangled and confused net handle on a website dedicated to cracking jokes about pixels. Don’t let the absurdly obvious “WE’RE BLATANTLY A COMEDY SITE” sign hit you on the way out, Nancy.
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03.6.2008 ,
at 3:37 am
abortmission wants a stiffy in the pooper so bad he can taste the precum
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03.6.2008 ,
at 3:41 am
Cmon MinusWorld- he presents a valid point….
You forgot to mention the universally known stereotype of the “unbeatable Superior Black Man”….
Mike Tyson was clearly (and crudely) invented by Nintendo, to mock the race.
As a black man, I am very offended by his now tangible existence.
Do some research next time you put a post up MinusWorld… I expect better from you.
/end sarcasm.
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03.8.2008 ,
at 6:18 am
Sorry to intrude on your jizz-mopping gay comedy club fellas. Next time be sure to post a sign: No Hetero-Supremacists Allowed. You’re making me cry into my beer.
Oh yeah, you faggots forgot to mention that Mac’s trainer is a bike thief, which perpetuates the myth of nigger criminality. Someone call Jesse.
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03.8.2008 ,
at 1:18 pm
Hetero-Supremacy sounds way too much like a giant sausage parade for us to ever endorse it via proverbial public signage. Besides, we love lesbians way too much to march against them. As for the “stole my bike” meme, it’s a myth largely perpetuated by YTMND, a site that went public years after the game’s release and is thus non-canon to the Punch-Out universe.
I do apologize for all the jizz mopping going on around here, though. Thanks for pointing that out and please, pardon our jizzy mess as you continue to visit our site repeatedly.
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03.8.2008 ,
at 6:34 pm
LoL, everyone knows that Aborts way too young to be drinking beer.
Please go back to dropping anonymous n-bombs to your suburban “halo clan” on xbla or some shit.
Until then, graduate highschool, and give puberty a few years to settle in…. Youll be a tolerable internet personality in no time!
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05.14.2008 ,
at 10:25 am
fuck tha white world
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05.25.2008 ,
at 1:18 am
FUCK THIS SHIT NIGGA
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06.12.2008 ,
at 6:14 pm
Funniest thing I’ve read in ages!!
How is it that a couple of people didn’t get the joke? Will Sleepy Gonzalez be making a guest appearance in the new Street Fighter? That would be awesome! He’d kick Ryu’s Japanese white ass!!
