XBL, drunk, girlfriend, xbox360
Before I begin, I’d like to let you know that I’ve gotten laid by using Xbox Live a record of 23 times in the last 3 months (achievement unlocked) and I’m here to show you the secrets Microsoft doesn’t want you to know. I could just be saying that, and I could just be making this up, but can you afford to pass this up? If your hand is as cramped as mine was before I bought a Gold Live membership, well then NO YOU CAN’T!!!
Tip 1
Gamertag: First Impressions Are Everything.
Check your kill hungry, world-loathing inner gamer at the door and try something more balanced. You want a name that proclaims your manliness without screaming “the murdering of innocent baby seals is constantly on my mind.” Roll your Walmart tube socks over your Halo tatts and play nice for a second. You want them in the door without thinking you’re going for the “Vag Frag.”
Tip 2
Conserve Your Ammo …Select Her Selectively
Your first interaction with a female’s voice over your Xbox Live Headset may not be what you hope it is. “Her” voice may actually be an 8 year old boy with negligent parents buying him Gears of War to keep him from peeing the bed. When you’re fairly certain you found the real deal, watch her moves. If she spends most of her play time grabbing power ups and expensive upgrades, she might be too materialistic for your league. The last thing you want is a woman who spends all of your hard earned Microsoft Points on pony armor and Louis Vuitton face plates.
Tip 3
Kick Your Game Right!
Picture your game collection as an open bar. Call of Duty isn’t the right intro. That’s like handing her a Jager shot off the bat. You need the “Buttery Nipple” or “SoCo and Lime” of video games: UNO! Get her loosened up off something easy. Guys typically try to impress the opposite sex by proving their ability to down something rough and rugged with ease. Ditch that method. She’d be more impressed in how thick your Viva Pinata garden grows.
Tip 4
Whisper Sweet Nothings Into Her Headset
Now that you’re done lounging in the lobby, head someplace private to chat. Take her somewhere romantic (like the Sewers in 2Fort) and share a health pack. Make sure to downplay your Achievements. Your standard classy lady doesn’t want to hear the (actual) number of how many Covenant Grunts you’ve slain before she came into your split screen. It’s not the size of your Gamerscore that rumbles her controller, it’s what you choose to make it shake.
Tip 5
You’ve Located Her Base: Now Capture Her Flag.
She’s basically joined your one-man-clan now, but beware! She may try to hook you into a long term co-op campaign (or make you meet her mother.) Keep your options menu open and play the battlefield before you hit her Home button and end up being her 2P for life. Either way, there might be some setbacks. She won’t be able to play with you during her monthly Red Ring of Death. And be ready to come up with some excuses as to why your batteries always die before she finishes the game. Just follow these steps closely and you’ll be exploring her forbidden dungeon(s) and throwing your cube through her Portal in no time.
No related story.
7 comments 
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03.25.2008 ,
at 9:24 am
Red Ring of Death!? lololol you guys are going to change lives with this peice.
+6 -
03.25.2008 ,
at 12:14 pm
bryan you can capture my flag if you want +1 -
03.25.2008 ,
at 2:21 pm
im positive this method works
my netherparts got all tingly reading this. +4 -
03.25.2008 ,
at 6:22 pm
hilarious and wonderfully written here’s another tip:If it gets heated enough with your girl, join her at the railroad tracks in burnout paradise and make sure you have a full tank of nitro!
+6 -
03.26.2008 ,
at 1:26 pm
Balls! +2 -
05.25.2008 ,
at 1:17 am
this is stupid..but funny +0 -
06.10.2008 ,
at 11:54 am
holy shit, this was hysterical. i was laughing so hard i nearly peed myself. hey, too bad your blog was a wee bit too late for my husband. he’s from england and we met on Unreal Championship. he’s my 2P for life…not the perfect man or anything, but he really takes the time to re-charge his batteries. they keep a really good charge and they’re always there and ready for my controller just when i need them.
i probably get a good 2-3 games out of the way before they’re fully discharged and then the recharge time isn’t all that bad either. i have a special charger for that and save it for special occasions.
i also NEVER have issues during the red ring of death days as he LOVES the rage that comes out in me. every time i throw an alarm clock at him he giggles, calls me silly, tells me to do it again, does some weird thing with his battery where he spins it and makes me laugh…and then we play COD4 till 6 am.
the life of a gamer couple…it’s grand ain’t it?
+0
