Man Chained to Missile Command Arcade Cabinet Sends Secret Cry for Help

B Miggs on March 31st, 2008

Cherry Mitts Mountain, Colorado - Some old codger wandered into our corporate office today and Jasper and I both went ballistic from his incessant rantings. Turns out he was a “Classic Arcade Cabinet Repairman” who was was called into NORAD on a rather peculiar assignment. Damon McCab’nets, upright 80’s repairman and self-proclaimed “nostalgia restorer” had quite the story to tell: “They brought me to Bunker 15 where I was shocked to find some old bearded soul chained to a Missile Command Cabinet. No joke, he was literally dying for help, trying to squirm out of captivity while stankin’ like a leather couch after a 12 hour ‘I Love Lucy’ marathon.”

The man supposedly could barely speak and was trying to communicate with a series of sound effects he attempted to make through his parched mouth. Each time he did so, a security guard would taser his chains and it looked a lot like a scene from ‘Young Frankenstein’. “Let’s just say it was a good thing I wasn’t drinking milk, if you know what I mean! There’s no way to know he was actually using this machine to shoot down actual missiles or if this was some kind of hidden camera reality show. Either way, I never saw Ashton and I never once signed a waiver. As It ends up, somebody jammed some gum into the coin slot. Damn kids!”

McCab’nets was luckily able to take a few photos as proof of his tale. Apparently, sneaking a digi cam out of NORAD is easier than it sounds. Words won’t do this story the justice it deserves so hit the break to see what they’ve got locked up in there:

Poor guy. Hopefully he at least didn’t have to work for the quarters.