Tis Not Better to Receive…

Sub Farooq on April 6th, 2008

I remember when I was a junior in high school I came home one day and my mom had bought me a Nintendo 64 as a little surprise present for my last report card. Incidentally, it wasn’t like I got all A’s or anything, she just wanted to show her appreciation that she actually received my report card…rather than me taking it out of the mail like I usually did and burying it somewhere near Jimmy Hoffa before she could get her mitts on it. I found the gift ironic in a way…I mean it’s an odd gift from my mom if she actually cared how I did in school. Giving a video game console for good grades is sorta like buying a round of jager-bombs for AA members who’ve been sober for a year. The reward is essentially undermining the very thing you are trying to reward.

But my mom, like most moms, was a conniving and perpetually insidious banshee. No gift from a mom comes free and clear without some sort of benefit to her. You see, the N64 was now a bargaining chip for Mother. Here’s how a conversation usually went before I had my N64:

Mom: Sub, clean your room.

Me: No.

Now here’s the same conversation post-N64:

Mom: Sub, clean your room.

Me: No.

Mom: Clean your room or I will throw the N64 away.

Me: Where’s the vacuum?

From that day on I was always cautious of a free lunch. If it sounds too good to be true…it probably is. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go fill out this little form…apparently I can get like 13 magazine subscriptions for a buck. Score!