Smiles “The Game Testin’ Chimp” Dies of Depression

jasper on April 14th, 2008

Puppin’ Pickles, Pennsylvania - Today, a community mourns a fallen friend. Last night at 3AM, tragically, Smiles the Chimp took his own chimp life. Born to mother Chuckles, the Fun Blast Off Chimp, Smiles started his fruitful career at the tender age of 3, spinning bingo ball cages and clapping for old folks. “He really stole the show,” pronounced Ole Timothy Jerkins. “He also stole a medical cart of Amoxicillin. You try to accuse a smile like that. You just don’t have it in ya, sonny boy.” At age 4, Smiles was enlisted by traveling folk to perform at Jamborees. Smiles was on top of the known world, causing quite a fantastic commotion. But when you rattle enough bee hives, sometimes you’re gonna get stung. And Smiles was allergic to bees. The inevitable faithless day arrived. A top man at Sony order his secretary to get out off his bed and get hold of Smiles. “This Chimp brought his A game. If the chimp don’t like it, the kids don’t like it. This ain’t rocket science, bucko.” said Top Man at Sony. The downward spiral had begun.

Playing the same shitty third-party games for 800 straight hours, Smiles became furiously depressed. A couple of glasses of wine after dinner rapidly evolved into acid dipped headbands and 4 story tall beer funnel competitions on MTV 2. The chain smoking quickly ruined his potential radio career. A hospital worker chimed in, “Yup, I is the one that treated that monster. Had to treat ‘em for the frost bite and pneumonia. Found him sleepin’ in the Coors Light brewery. Still huggin’ the keg when theys brought ‘em in!” Last night, Smiles was found face down in the wishing well at The Big City mall. An autopsy revealed he had ingested 27 Memory Stick PRO DUOs. Now we finally know what those are for.

Rest in peace Smiles. You will be missed… forever.