Top 5 Real Life Places That Would Make Great Mario Kart Stages

agent b on April 21st, 2008

The release of Mario Kart Wii marks the 6th time the franchise has visited a Nintendo system, and while we’re all for some chaotic item-slinging Grand Prix races and shell shooting battle modes, we can’t help but feel like the locales are getting a bit stale. Mushroom Kingdom race courses, a jungle level, a snow level, Bowser’s Castle…we’ve all been there a thousand times. It’s time to hit up some new environments for a change:

What better way to kick off a day at the races than to cruise down the pastoral pavements of the Vatican City. Sure, conservative religious types would lead you to believe that video games are the work of satan, but a well placed koopa shell will keep ‘em quiet. Plus they’ll be so delighted to see all those children playing with their joysticks. Holy smokes!

We’re sure that Donkey Kong will feel right at home taking Bubbles’ place on Michael Jackson’s throne at the Neverland Ranch. Dodge wacky obstacles like paparazzi, lawyers, police cars and Peter Pan fetishists as now-defunct roller coasters sway hauntingly in the background. Maybe the wizard of pop himself will let you take a peak behind his curtain where gold cups full of Jesus juice await your insatiable thirst and magic is real.

Sleek and elegant, the Sony Playstation 3 would make a perfect battle mode stage. Hell, it’s not like you’re using yours for anything else. Plus it’d be a nice slap in the face to the competition on Nintendo’s part, as if dominating the console wars with a waggle wand controller and last gen graphics wasn’t embarrassing enough.

Just when you thought the maniacal lunacy of Mario Kart couldn’t possibly be more chaotic, Gary Busey’s drug infested winter wonderland of insanity takes it to a whole new world. Steer clear of his hazy 80’s flashbacks as you drift through snowy mountains of coke and years of rage-infested self deterioration. Just remember: fear is the dark room where the Devil develops his negatives.

Vida’s absurdly curvaceous rump helps round off our list. In fact, we couldn’t possibly imagine a better finish line. Launching into the air off her oil slicked bulbous butt-ramp could send your kart careening into the skies, but every minute of it will be a dream come true. Just don’t crash into her butterface (purposely not shown.)