GTA IV, cheat codez, your dad
Today’s Cheat Code comes courtesy of jezuzfreek777 (a web handle that proves that hypnotized religious worship and bad spelling can have a gay marriage on a commercial airplane)
Parents just don’t understand Grand Theft Auto IV. Statistically, though, things tend to get a bit obfuscated when said parents believe humanity began in a magical garden with a talking snake who lurked in a tree of forbidden knowledge. If Dad isn’t able to tell the difference between reality and a book of fictional stories, maybe he fears Junior will find similar blind guidance in other forms of fictional media, i.e video games. Nevermind that religion has historically been the most violent thing in the history of our species, and that GTA IV’s protagonist pistol whipping a hooker is a mere blip on the radar next to the Crusades, David Koresh, and God himelf smiting/flooding the earth (as depicted in that ancient storybook.) But we’ll spare jezuzfreek777 the factual history lesson today and get to the real meaty stuff…
Remember when you brought your first girlfriend home (who am I kidding, this is a video game comedy site, just pretend with me here) and your parents did or said something that was infuriatingly embarrassing? Or remember when you were a kid and your parents wouldn’t let you stay up late or watch Sir Mix-a-lot videos on MTV? Be happy that those little moments of misery were tackled internally, within the confines of your household. You know, instead of being broadcasted on fucking Youtube for 80,000 people to point and laugh at. I’m sure the notion of jezuzfreek’s son not being able to play an M-rated game pales in comparison to the years of abuse he’ll get from his peers for having such a dickhead, webevangelist of a father publicizing his entire upbringing. If this kid wasn’t harboring any suicidal tendencies, paternal murder plans or brewing a full on maniacal killing spree, he is now.
So congrats on turning your child into a permanently damaged, self loathing social trainwreck who can’t go out in public without being bombarded by ridicule. Hope it was worth the Youtube “stardom.” Grand Theft Auto IV is available in stores now. And it’s pretty fucking awesome. So is science.
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3 comments 
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05.7.2008 ,
at 2:51 pm
a video game is just a video game, a movie is just a movie, AND A BOOK IS JUST A BOOK!How easily he left that part out!!!
Everyone knows this is fake, well OK, JEZUZFUCKO I guess can’t, but everyone with an I.Q. higher than Cheerios does. People like this a*hole REALLY believe that the bible is true… a word for word, historical re-count of all that occurred.
This guy probably believes that dinosaurs are fake, buried by the devil to “throw people off” (Oh yeah there are people who believe this!) the world was created in 7 calendar days… and that you will go to Hell for eating meat during lent (I think jezuzfreek777 thinks sucking on some but not swallowing is OK with the Big Guy) along with oh so many other fairy-tale beliefs.
A video game insults this man, and according to him is bringing down society… yet in the same breadth is enfatuated with Christianity and it’s teachings which when boiled down include:
Christians are right, everyone else is wrong, those who are wrong need to reprimanded
God killed all the 1st born because some one didn’t believe one of his supposed messengers
Women are evil
You can buy your way into heaven
using the gift of thought, God’s greatest gift to mankind is a sin
no matter what you do, by saying some words over and over, paying the right amount will get you into heaven.
even if you live your whole life in perfect peace, if you do not accept Jesus as the son of god you will go to hell
killing, raping, torture, in the name of God is acceptable, and even encouraged.
I bet if this game was called… “beat the jews”, “Muslim mashing”, “gay extermination” or anything else jezuzfreek777 would not have had an issue with it at all. You want these fanatics to enjoy GTA?… slap a cross in Niko’s hand and a funny hat on his virtual head, & call it a day.
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05.8.2008 ,
at 8:46 am
Dad, I told you not to make that video! I’m going to Billy’s to play GTA 4 and mouth kiss and shoot up and spin a dradle… (apparently Firefox is Christian because the auto-spell tells me that “dradle” is not a word)
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05.8.2008 ,
at 12:49 pm
What annoys me about people that live behind their white picket fence is how naive they are to what the fuck really goes on in this world. I’m pretty sure that people not just in America, but all over the world, have very VERY mixed feelings about authority figures, cops in particular. Yes we should respect cops, but they have a notoriously violent, unruly, sociopathic and belligerent past.
For the record…. there are tons of excellent, law abiding cops (irony) that have gotten a bad rap… But lets not conjure these false images of the government being angels- because history have shown, they have been very much the bad guys.As for GTA…I think he made one valid point… it certainly pushes the envelope of the good vs evil, where you can really just be an evil evil person… . But to the games credit, it teaches a valuable lesson that the cops WILL get you eventually… (on 6 stars hehe)….but this game already existed in other subtle forms, like kids playing cops and robbers…the point being, you want whatever side you’re on, to succeed. If you invert GTA, where you’re a cop, and you do whatever you can to bust badguys, I doubt daddy would have as much beef with that… The only thing this game has done, is keep what goes on the world open ended, much like a choose your own adventure book. If your child plays Oblivion, guess what, he’s doing basically the SAME thing hes doin in GTA,( harassing townsfolk, killing the village horse for the heck of it, breaking into people houses, and looting money they keep in their drawers and vases). GTA is the a victim of a witch hunt basically, and guess what, history has shown that witch hunts are mostly fucking bullshit.
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