pokefreaks
mypocket
bixby
Mike
jasper
Kaptain M'Bargo
B Miggs, XBL, old man, xbox360
And on the 7th day after getting their test console back from the repair shop, Microsoft created the Xbox360, a powerful behemoth in the online console gaming scene. But with the power of X comes great responsibility, and thus the 10 Commandments of Xbox Live were created. It is of utmost importance that one follows these rules, as they are the codification that binds our gamertags in joyous, prosperous gaming unison.
Save your degenerate slander for your backwoods bonfire. Nobody wants to hear it. All it does is emphasize the “clan” part of your XBL clan. And remember kids, there’s no difference in being blatantly racist during an online match and saving your innate lines of loathing for the pre-game lobby just moments before you disconnect.
If you’re good at a game and connected online, never brag. When you start bragging about how good you are it only leads to your eventual demise. Your opponents will either use every word you say against you or will secretly gang up to plot your death.
If you’re going to camp, pack some marshmallows and a tent. I hate campers.
If you’re 12 years old, don’t swear. In fact, don’t even connect your headset. In my experience there’s a 50/50 ratio of kids playing online that are old enough to buy the game in comparison to the kids that aren’t. There’s nothing the “mature” community despises more than little punk fucks who drugged their grandmother and had her drive you to Gamestop to buy the latest installment of Bloodbath. You toddlers are only feeding detractors like Jack Thompson.
If your Mom comes in the room and tells you to do your homework, expect hell from your fellow gamers. Then expect your Mom to be dissed for buying you the game. Then expect 10 unnecessary 90’s “yo momma” jokes. Can we dead that shit already?
If you have the voice of a 30-40 year old and we can easily identify your country of origin, don’t sign on at 10 AM. You will be fucked with. Its obvious you live in your parents basement and you have no job.
If you have a baby that you’re paying no attention to, put it in the other room (or up for adoption.) I love making fun of people that are blatantly ignoring their screaming child.
If your wife/girlfriend comes home, mute the fucking headset. Don’t forget this, guys. I know its a rarity (who am I kidding?) But there’s nothing worse than being in a heated kill or be killed bloodbath and hearing “Hey shmoopy how was your day at worky work, love bunny?” At this point I wish the sniper bullets people firing at me would go through the TV into real life and blow a barn door out the back of my skull.
Additionally, if your wife/girlfriend comes home mute the fucking headset (the sequel). When she comes home and I can hear that nagging bitch tell you to get off Xbox and go mow the lawn, this fucking irritates me because I only play with my friends and we have skills. Take one leg away from the table and everything falls apart. Please be patient with him ladies, for the sake of the team. And maybe he was just planning the jungle themed lawn for this season in an effort to surprise you.
If you’re a girl, invite more of the girls you know to play, because you are few and far between online. I just think it’s a good idea to get girls more involved with online gaming. We could teach the youth of today how to interact properly with the opposite sex, thus furthering humankind. Because really, I’m worried we’re not going to make it at this rate. But I vow to do my best to help propagate the species, one death match at a time. Trust me, I’m a grown man with skills.
20 comments 
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05.27.2008 ,
at 11:05 am
Commandment X is a nice thought, but seriously, girls aren’t exactly sitting around doing each other’s hair and playing COD4.
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05.27.2008 ,
at 12:30 pm
Commandment 11, When you fart, we hear it
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05.27.2008 ,
at 1:50 pm
No. I’m a grown man with skills thank you very much.
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05.27.2008 ,
at 2:03 pm
And, If you Call To someone in the Other room, Cover the Damn Mic!!! Sheesh.
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05.27.2008 ,
at 2:10 pm
No offense guys, but if girls started playing video games in the capacity you guys already play video games, the human species would die out. There’s no way some guy is charm his way into my pants through an online game. Nice try though. It’s a sweet thought. The reality of the situation is, you all need to invest in some Zan Perrion videos/books and get out into the real world
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05.28.2008 ,
at 8:50 am
Invest in “Zan Perrion” books? unless thats some kind of porn… it aint happening.
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05.28.2008 ,
at 12:07 pm
Ciao Cuban Armory! You make kissing of mothers with that mouth?
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05.29.2008 ,
at 9:40 am
LoL… TooTs has a point… but lets face it, XBL people aren’t into that whole “reading” fad going around!
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06.29.2008 ,
at 7:54 am
I’m a girl, and I play COD4
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07.2.2008 ,
at 6:38 pm
Cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i like the way you think
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08.20.2008 ,
at 9:43 pm
Nice! I have to say, great list…EXCEPT #3. In a Halo style games FINE don’t “camp” the fuckin rocket ammo spawn you giant douche. But when it comes to the more “realistic” (and I use the term very loosely) war games like Call of Duty, stop bitching about the fact that my team is dug in and beating your ass from the same side of the map the whole game.
If you don’t like where my bullets are coming from STOP fucking running out in front of my spot. Try FLANKING me… I don’t have eyes in the back of my head. So next time you bitch and whine about the fact that you can’t run full speed up the street that I am controlling as a choke point, think about the fact that there are probably at least 3 other ways to go where you THINK you need to. Although chances are, I’m going to fuckin slaughter you anyway -
08.23.2008 ,
at 7:29 pm
Hi I’m toots and I like to blatantly stereotype and pigeonhole a group of people based on little to no information while at the same time feeding my overgrown ego!
seriously toots did you not actually read the text of commandment x?
its not about “getting into your pants” (although after reading your comment I doubt anyone would want to) its about encouraging a wider variety of people to play video games. Not everyone wants a marginalized minority in a community to become less so just so they can then fuck it.
honestly as far as I can tell you think that everyone wants have sex with you and because of it your self esteem has shot waaaaayyy out of control.
while im normally hesitant to use the word bitch I’m afraid that I’ve got to use it here. because given my limited exposure to your rhetoric all I can tell is that you’re a bitch, bitch.
Plus I’m pretty sure that the species wouldn’t stop having sex, because more people played video games, your point is completely non valid, if as you say people arent going to get in your pants over XBL, then we could assume that the problem either lies with XBL or with the men themselves, now given that this article really proposes no changes to XBL or to men then its safe to assume that our reproductive patterns would continue chugging on at our current self destructive rate.
To hear more about how much you suck please just respond to this comment.
oh and in closing, Q.E.D you stupid wanna be whore. -
08.23.2008 ,
at 8:51 pm
oh and to talk about the article
great job!
I think the kid rule should be expanded though to say something along the lines of “if a game is rated M then mature language on XBL is going to be part of the package”
I got told off by a kid on COD4 once because I told someone they had got me with a “damn nice shot”
and I got bitched out for swearing when there was a kid playing and swearing wasnt ok. -
08.23.2008 ,
at 9:19 pm
The best way to convince women that their stereotypes about gamers aren’t true is to write epically long-winded diatribes about them in the comment section of a video game website on a Saturday night.
Oh wait, that would be the worst way.
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08.23.2008 ,
at 10:11 pm
wow steph, I guess if my point took a while to convey then thats the way it was.
plus where I live it isnt saturday night yet. -
09.14.2008 ,
at 5:50 pm
i agree with Steph. Ben, i have a question, is it fun mocking a female?
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09.14.2008 ,
at 11:16 pm
Ben, im sorry too say this, but you are the kind of person that leads chicks to believe male gamers are total ass holes, because, to put this as kindly as one could, you are a total fucking ass whole. Oh and i would have to ask the same question as Ritchie, do you get off treating women like that? Clearly she was just kidding around, and to display this, i quote, “There’s no way some guy is charm his way into my pants through an online game. Nice try though. It’s a sweet thought,” i mean how retarded do you have to be do get offended by some one making a joke?
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09.15.2008 ,
at 6:54 am
DamianDemorte, i agree 100% with what you said
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09.15.2008 ,
at 6:21 pm
I agree with Steph & Ritchie. Maybe one of the reasons we females don’t go on XBL is because of guys like Ben?
At any rate, awesome article–fuckin’ hilarious, too!
~grimm
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09.27.2008 ,
at 1:10 pm
yeah, agreed. people like ben should stick to computer games like tiger woods
