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Archive for July, 2008
Well Comic Con 2008 just wrapped up and while the main attraction might be the exclusive new video game footage, sneak peaks at next summer’s biggest comic book movies and a chance to get an autograph from Hacksaw Jim Duggan, the REAL stars are the cosplayers. Basking somewhere in the nebulous gray area between brilliance and depravity lies the art of dressing up like your favorite video game or comic book character and walking around in public. Cosplaying was invented in the year 1507 by Ferdinand Magellan as an excuse to explain his awkward cross dressing tendencies as he sailed the earth and ironically named a “Strait” after himself. That’s actually a total lie. Read on for more pictures of these costumed crazies.
“Farewell and adieu to you, fair Spanish ladies. Farewell and adieu, you ladies of Spain. For we’ve received orders for to sail back to Boston. And so nevermore shall we see you again.” - The Best Movie Ever Made
I feel a little bit like Quint from Steven Spielberg’s “Jaws” tonight while I sit back, crack a 16 oz. Coors Light Can and watch Shark Week on The Discovery Channel. I don’t know, call me crazy but I feel like I’m going to need a bigger boat while I delve into the inner workings of my childhood and remember the game Jaws for NES. It was one of my favorites. My brother and I (who might look like me but isn’t me) spent long and arduous hours trying and failing completely at that game. Sometimes it’s the games you can’t beat that you remember forever. Like a guy who lives on an island, yet hates the water, I feel a little humbled and need another shot on the mainland to get my feet wet. Fuck it, give me Jaws NES or give me death!
Read on
So word has it that a new Kid Icarus is going to finally be shown October 8th at the Tokyo Game show. Game forums are flaring up like an outbreak at the mere thought of having this treasured franchise reinvigorated. After Nintendo’s poor E3 showing, they need something to get back their manchild hardcore demographic.
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More: jasper, kid icarus, nintendo, sense of rumor
Calling all gamers out there who have no problem spending hundreds of dollars on a video game console but can’t justify the $50 a year Xbox Live subscription to make the most of it - your golden cow nipples have arrived. Microsoft has slyly let loose the news that you cheap-ass Silver members can play online for free with the Gold guys in select games before your ethernet cable turns back into a pumpkin.
Grab your friends, line up your poor, dry mouths at the shiny gates of milky mammilla, and extract every last droplet until this fall when its back to the homeless shelter with no shoes for you. Now stop bumming quarters for the downtown peep show booth and go kick some Gold ass! Never mind that they’re infinitely more obsessed and experienced by now - you need a few more lessons in humility.
How on earth did we hit that $482 billion deficit? One might blame it on Bush, or the spiraling economy due to 9/11, or the never ending war in Iraq. I’m going to blame it on The Virtual Army Experience. Take a look at vae.americasarmy.com if the site’s not down due to overwhelming American pride.
Costing $9.8 million to operate last year, the exhibit f*cks Neo Geo’s expensive corpse on top of a 3DO. So for the price of 24,500 PS3s, you too can own a Virtual Army Experience! Good thing I got my economic stimulus check. Too bad I spent it on Master Chief knee pads and my Shia LaBeouf Transformer Trapper Keeper. The experience travels to amusement parks and county fairs, no joke, to help recruit more “players” into the Army.
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More: army, call of duty, die in a fire, explosions, jasper
I’ll always have a soft spot for the early Final Fantasy games, before Square-Enix tried their hand at thoracotomy and removed the franchise’s heart via the introduction of spikey-haired metrosexual protagonists and a constant stream of shitty spin-offs like Dirge of Cerberus. In other words, this remake of the SNES classic is like manna from heaven. But in the interest of objectivity and journalistic integrity, I will avoid showering this remake with endless praise (I even tore up the check for $3.58 that Squenix sent me for a glowing review-it’s going to cost you more than that!). Nope, even this vaunted series has to go through my finely-tuned review process: Writing pros and cons with some smarmy flourishes and bad puns thrown in for good measure. Let the games begin!
Professional stupid motherf*cker/Sony PR talking head/Ridge Racer Kaz Hirai is triumphantly ecstatic with his consoles’ abysmal collection of non-exclusive games. So much so that he’d take a bullet before jumping at the chance to steal a game from a competitor’s system. Brilliant. His words are perfectly in tune with Sony bunk buddy Jack Tretton’s when he defiantly proclaimed that Sony doesn’t pay for console specific exclusive games. Or the balls-out-cockswangling that it takes to state that Sony can sell 5 million systems to their loyal sheep without even having any games. Did I hotlink your stupid browser to death yet? Great! Let’s pretend you didn’t click on any of that sh*t in order to eschew legitimate research in favor of blatant visual evidence:
Great way to go out, Kaz, but suicide can be less selfish than that. Why not turn your stubborn death into something we can all enjoy? Make it a game, you greedy lunatic! How so, they ask? Exactly how you’d envision it…
In the past we showed you how we used to get down in the golden age of video game advertising, a cut-throat and often explosive mind field of lasers and death. Today we bring you even more blasts from our salty pasts. Tie your shoes and hang ten with our obsolete and unshaven marketing team as we bring you even more Vintage Minus World Ads!
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More: vintage
Ever double-fisted beer cans? How about double fisting beers while your other two fists hoist a keg in the air? Mortal Kombat’s quad-handed boss has your dumb ass beat. Sure, he wears a ying yang thong, no shoes, and athletic tape on his ankles, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be manlier than everyone around him. Imagine if you could chug a 40, pour a vodka shot, light a bonghit and throw up a gang sign all at the same time. That’s him in his element, which makes him the ideal party pal. He’s like Ogre from Revenge Of The Nerds but with less clothes. And hair. But added appendages don’t always equate to tougher tolerance and Goro has a long, long night ahead of him…
Sega proves again that their genius has no rival. The cover of the September issue of Nintendo Power has unveiled “Sonic & The Black Knight.” The biggest next-gen/black comedy crossover in history has arrived! How many more of these games can we take before Sega hires a new marketing team? I’ll tell you how many: 5 of them after the jump.
