Frank
Toastmaster
jakeoff
cubansamurai
ALeks_M
E3, agent b, nintendo
It’s easy to just forget this year’s Nintendo conference, pretend it never happened, or ignore it entirely. That won’t change the fact that by and large, it was a miserable trainwreck of failure and easily the company’s worst in history. What went wrong? Oh, about a thousand things, really, but nobody has time to relive it. That’s why we here at the-minusworld.com have truncated the list into something a bit more consumable. Pure, concentrated embarrassment. Enjoy.
#5 - Cammy Dunaway Talks About Her Failed Snowboarding Trip
Months of anticipation! Millions of sales! The spotlight is on you, Nintendo! Oh man, they’re totally going to announce the next Zel…who the f*ck is this?!? Cammy Dunaway’s Snowy Getaway was not exactly the megaton us gamers expected. She looked about one facelift away from approaching Joan Rivers status and the meds were definitely in full effect. Whoever thought her snowboard trip injury photos would make a great segue way to the announcement of Shaun White Snowboarding should be buried under an avalanche.
#4 - Reggie Promises Software For Core Gamers And Then Gives Us The Middle Finger
I swear! There’s more than just casual crap here! Animal Crossing: City Folk and Wii Sports Resort were not exactly what we had in mind when we were promised hardcore games a few weeks back. Your grandmother will be happy to hear about how things went down today (if she can still hear anything) but color us disappointed. What happened to Nintendo’s multi billion dollar war chest? Was all the money spent on toddler market research and adult diapers?
#3 - An Audience Full Of Heartbroken, Unimpressed Crickets
Can you hear the excitement and applause? No? That’s because there wasn’t any, aside from the brustling of tumbleweeds and the gnashing of crickets chewing off their own limbs. Unless somebody announced Wii Pindrop.
#2 - Nobody Knew How To Actually Control Anything
When Monday’s announcement of Wii Motion Plus hit the web, Nintendo fan speculation was through the roof. 1:1 motion controls? Woo ha. That’s what we thought the Wii controller was supposed to offer since day one. Better late than never, right? Then Reggie demoed a jet ski mini game by waving his arms wildly and erratically steering like a kamikaze alcoholic stunt car driver and we were left more confused than informed. Next time hire somebody who actually plays video games to, you know, actually play your video game.
#1 - M Night Shyamalan Plays Wii Music Terribly
Fresh off his recent cinematic failure and clearly already desperate for work, an overly excited, underly rhythmic M Night Shyamalan waggled the night away as Wii Music’s honorary drummer. Beneath grating layers of 16 bit midi snares was the somber truth that this was Nintendo’s most embarrassing E3 ever. Sony and Microsoft could’ve just bricked into each others coffees and they still would’ve won by default. Here’s to hoping the rampant fan backlash gets heard over at the corporate offices. Wii doubt it.
55 comments 
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07.16.2008 ,
at 9:01 am
XD
That conference was an absolute joke. Most of E3 was… As bad as Nintendo’s conference was, Capcom’s managed to suck even more. Lost Planet… the movie? At least Nintendo showed SOME games. Hahaha.
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07.16.2008 ,
at 11:45 am
I was playing Wii Facepalm during the conference. How the hell could Nintendo screw up so badly? At least Sony’s terrible 2006 E3 was funny. This was just pathetic.
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07.16.2008 ,
at 10:10 pm
You’re nearly as funny as Maddox, well done! Wii Music is the best video game ever made, I’ve tried Wii Orchestra 2 years ago, I thought it was perhaps even cooler then Wii Tennis (the worlds most popular third generation game so far). See me play Wii Orchestra at E3 2006: http://video.google.com/videop.....6399901955
Wii MotionPlus is insane. Nobody would have thought 3 years ago that Nintendo would be able to put a full high precision electronic gyroscope detector in so little an accessory. I say look forward to the Mario and the Zelda teams bringing incredible games taking advantage of that. Also getting a whole new Wii experience without having to buy a Wii 2, with just plugging a $19 accessory to your remote is fantastic. Obviously all second generation remotes will have MotionPlus integrated.
The potential I think is really there with Wii Music and with Wii Sports Resort to provide depth for hard core gamers. For example Wii Sports Resort could provide the worlds most competitive online gaming features, such as online sword fighting championships, online high precision Tennis championships, online waterski racing championships, 1st person soccer and beachvolley games that also use the Ballance Board to provide full immersion.
Wii Music could provide a “Composition Mode” to let hard core music talents compose their own band or orchestra music and then perform it or conduct it. And also share ones compositions and performances online. The potential is there. Nintendo could even provide DS Music games so that you can compose the music on the DS and then perform it with friends on Wii Music. And online realtime band playing features would be awesome, if Nintendo can create an algorithm to manage lag times. Nintendo has the potential to revolutionnize the way music is performed, composed and shared.
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07.16.2008 ,
at 10:16 pm
Charbax = Nintendo viral marketer?
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07.16.2008 ,
at 10:23 pm
steering like a kamikaze alcoholic stunt car driver
bhaha
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07.17.2008 ,
at 12:23 am
It really was bad
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07.17.2008 ,
at 12:52 am
I’m an ardent Nintendo Fanboy, but even I’m glad I couldn’t watch the press conference live. This is E3 2003 all over again.
At least we can be grateful that the third parties are picking up the slack with games like the conduit and madworld.
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07.17.2008 ,
at 12:55 am
Lol charbax: is your email charbax@nintendomarketing.com? You’re as subtle as a hammer to the crotch.
Awesome article. Nintendo don’t care about serious gamers. The n00bs spend more money on products that are cheaper to make.
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07.17.2008 ,
at 1:26 am
When do we get a Wii Crate for storing all the Wii Peripherals that will never be used again?
It’s not exactly the cheapest console if you figure in all the remotes, nunchuks, steering wheels, zappers, balance boards, now “WiiMotionPlus” and Wii microphone. Wiisus Christ.
And way to pad their software sales figures by bundling a “game” (read: tech demo) with every new and useless peripheral. Wii exclusivity = doom for third party releases. Poor No More Heroes.
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07.17.2008 ,
at 6:01 am
I used to want to go to an E3 conference every year. I never got around to it. Way to crush my dreams.
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07.17.2008 ,
at 7:20 am
When people realize that E3 isn’t what it used to be, the world will be a better place. Fuck this article, and fuck the writer because he is unintelligent.
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07.17.2008 ,
at 7:32 am
Nintendo is killing the game industry!!!
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07.17.2008 ,
at 8:08 am
Seriously.. Nintendo did best of everyone at E3. This is a really lame and poor try to bash at Nintendo. If it was so bad, let us all see how good you can do it then.. lamer.
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07.17.2008 ,
at 8:21 am
You DO know that wasn’t really M. Night Shyamalan, right? lol
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07.17.2008 ,
at 11:06 am
Nice. Glad you threw that racist comment at the end. Guess all “Indians” look the same. Good Job…FTL
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07.17.2008 ,
at 11:31 am
I have never seen anything so horrific, and pathetic in my life… did anyone notice that the presentation was directed at 5 year olds, and capitalist scumbags, or five year old capitalist scumbags. Seriously, wtf, I felt like I was in summer camp or a short bus… Who told Cammy that gamers were all f’n snot-nosed children and lame girls (there are plenty of badass gamer chicks who would agree that nintendo’s female marketing campaign played only to the shallow, vain, and slut in waiting type of the I watch the hills and listen to the top twenty and I want to be as trashy as p.h. –) .. I am, have and always will be a fan of nintendo, I have been playing since the company crushed the gaming world when I was 8 years old. But I do remember that hey put out just as much filth then..at least they say now it’s for kids- and not just in the suck pile for its own reasons (rambo, popeye, the original rygar–no save function–yes i am still pissed off fckers damn near ruined a year of my early life) … still… I feel that it is us, the aging gamers that nintendo should be trying to please, since it is us that has been lining their pockets all these years… it is us, the gamers that made nintendo what it was and mostly we stuck it out through all the other systems… but now.. if we want games for our “sensibilities” we have to turn to PC, PS3 and that douchebag…anti-trust, resource hog virus infested closed source greedy gutsack- B.G.. I am thinking that nintendo japan has allot more up there sleeve than they are willing to admit.. Some of the best games for nes were never released here and i truly think that if what they were showing us was all there was then the japanese gamers would have sunk that ship already… But everyone at Nintendo america should be chemically castrated… and banned from the gaming industry for treason… snowboarding…. FU!!! animal crossing FURMTHR!!! GTA FOR DS!!! FURGRNDMTHR… a skate port would have been nice…
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07.17.2008 ,
at 11:43 am
J:M, please fall in a volcano. Cheap resemblance jokes that don’t even remotely reference ethnicity don’t count as “racist” you overly sensitive Luigi fetishist. Don’t put your gross mouth all over my blog just because your favorite company fucked up. The Wii Music segment was terrible on its own merits. Faux hawks, flared collars and barefooted profound public sweating transcend race and should be viewed as equally offensive to every human being on earth.
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07.17.2008 ,
at 12:11 pm
Couldn’t be in more agreement. So very, very, very let down.
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07.17.2008 ,
at 1:29 pm
Sony won E3 2008,I’m Barack Obama and I approve this Message.
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07.17.2008 ,
at 1:32 pm
Yes, that’s absolutely what I have been thinking. Their conference has shown nothing but an absolute lack of dedication towards continuing support for the hardcore fanbase (and I use that term lightly, because compared to what Nintendo’s been releasing lately, most GameCube games could be categorized as hardcore titles, and not just the few challenging ones). I think this is even worse that Sony’s conference in 2006. Only the new Nintendo could waste two hours talking about absolutely nothing interesting to a large audience.
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07.17.2008 ,
at 7:07 pm
WTF? OBAMA? you’re a GAMER?
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07.17.2008 ,
at 8:51 pm
Man what a disappointment. Makes me wanna start blabbin on about Nintendo’s good ol’ days…
Found a cool new game though, check it out:
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07.18.2008 ,
at 1:48 am
lmao that was worse then sonys e3 06
i think sony won it this year though -
07.18.2008 ,
at 3:51 am
There’s like four people on this comment board DEFENDING Nintendo’s presentation? …Including one who is drugged out of his mind. I’m going to assume that they’re all being sarcastic, else I’ll have to shoot myself out of hopelessness at overcoming their naiveté.
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07.18.2008 ,
at 7:46 pm
looks like nintendo went down to the crossroads and made a deal with the devil…
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07.19.2008 ,
at 8:16 pm
Well, Nowadays…Nintendo is a joke. So, What else were they going to do? That’s the best they have. minus Wii Abortion Doctor.
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07.19.2008 ,
at 8:26 pm
Dear Nintendo,
Please stop worrying about 5 year olds and 60+ age group. The audience who grew up with you is roughly in their mid 20s. Figure it out.
Love,
Angry Nintendo Fan
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07.19.2008 ,
at 9:39 pm
What went wrong?
Nintendo’s turning to toddler crap like Wii Music — the Gerber baby food of rhythm games (well, not even that, since you can’t fail).
But Nintendo *can* fail — as it did when it ran with this nonsense idea.
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07.19.2008 ,
at 9:42 pm
Well said! I had the terrible luck of sitting through that poor excuse of a press conference on G4. It was just bad =/ I think out of all 3 companies, MS actually had a good showing with nice demos and the S-E ballbusting announcement of FF 13 being on the 360 for Eu and N.American release. Although I did like how Sony used Little Big Planet for the charts. Sadly E3 2008 wasn’t the nerdgasmic experience I thought it would be =( I hope TGS is better than this.
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07.19.2008 ,
at 11:50 pm
It really is a shame. The Wii had a lot of potential, but this e3 showed us that there is a 0% chance of Nintendo thinking of the hardcore gamer again.
New Mario and Zelda games “in the making?” Any other company would have at least offered us a teaser to keep us occupied.
The 1:1 thing IS an excellent announcement…but it will most likely remain just an annoncement for the hardcore gamer. I know that we’ll get a 1:1 sword game. I know that we’lll not get a good 1:1 sword game. Like everything else with the Wii, novelty will be the only thing in the box.
Wii games have the potential to be the best games ever made…too bad eh?
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07.20.2008 ,
at 12:36 am
O.K…. I bought a Wii when it first came out cause it was cheaper than buying a new PS3 even though I could afford it, but as a 33 yr old gamer, I work a lot, have other obligations and don’t play often enough to justify the cost…
Dammit all, but I’m in video game stores buying used Gamecube games I’ve never played before to tide me over until the next ‘big’ release….
Nintendo, this is unacceptable, and as someone who has NEVER EVER posted anything about video games on any messageboard in his life, I’m taking this opportunity to say FUCK YOU, I’m selling my overpriced Gaycube and plunkin down for a PS3 or 360, I dunno who but IT AINT YOU!!! And FUCK YOU for taking my money on your virtual console bullshit and FUCK ME for falling for your shit. I’ll be laughing/puking on the sidelines watching the sales for Wii Music.
Fuck you Nintendo, and Congrats to everyone else for speakin up so they can see their self imposed shitstorm.
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07.20.2008 ,
at 12:40 am
I would have been embarrassed to play WiiMusic when I was 5. Why would I want that as an adult? Hell, why would I want that for a kid?
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07.20.2008 ,
at 2:17 am
Lets not forget the biggest DS announcement is just a logo at this point.
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07.20.2008 ,
at 4:19 am
BWAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
You console gamers and your silly triumvirate of console developers!
I’ll stick to PC-gaming and Blizzard (atleast they have awesome game conferences).
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07.20.2008 ,
at 7:15 am
Truely the worst E3 conference I have ever had to watch. Ever. The embarassing rendition of the Super Mario Bros theme at the end was so awful I genuinely wanted to cry. And then we have the terrible, terrible Cammie Dunaway - the most fake person in videogames, period.
It’s a shame because the ball was really in Nintendo’s court to convince the hardcore gamers. I mean surre they can still market to the casual but why not appeal to their key fanbase. Two big hardcore games would have satisfied I think ON TOP of the Wii Music and casual stuff they showed.
They’re isolating the people that care most and I’m losing confidence in Nintendo now.
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07.20.2008 ,
at 10:48 am
Okay let me start with I work at a Gamestop and now I will say I really will try to keep this from being a very very long rant.
But Nintendo was one of the most eager concepts prior to launch and I actually was one of the people who fell one slot short of being able to get one at launch and instead took a ps3 slot (man that turned out to be the best disappointment ever) and about a week into the launch I started to notice a glaring trend which was that all of our wii owners stuck with Wii Sports and those who braved the shovelware. But ok so now months later and we still have nothing great and Mario Party 8 caused more than a few people to come back and but Mario Party anything really on Gamecube which started my trend of adding advanced to anything that I thought was a cheap imitation of a gamecube game. For awhile it was fun now that Mario Kart and Wii fit are out its really just sad to see Wii owners and most have started doing this very strange thing of asking for games they want that they know did not come out on their system in the hope that maybe just maybe it exsists but nobody knows it (GTAIV, CoD4).
I really feel for Wii owners (yes I own one and … yes i do feel riped off badly). This press conference is a joke so is Mario Baseball as im sure its a bad port of a game that has nothing new to share since wii sports baseball but we waited 2 years for it. A true glowing becon to the Wii is that the #1 selling game was Wiiplay which had a Wiimote bundled with it.
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07.20.2008 ,
at 10:51 am
Nintendo is a essentially a victim of their own success. They used to know how to cater to the people that made them who they are (I’m speaking as a 23 year old who grew up on nintendo). They realized that if they made shovelware title after shovelware title that it could still make them money. Shovelware title + crappy useless peripheral = shit tons of money. Essentially , the hardcore crowd (although that term is becoming less and less relevant) is being left behind. Nintendo has essentially turned into the horrible money-grubbing corporation that most of us loyal fans were hoping they would never be. Its the reason that I own a Wii (bought it at launch), and have barely touched it. I play Wii sports and Mariocart with my friends and my roommate. That’s about all. Thanks for the nostalgic memories, but apparently the past is all you care about. Alienate us all you want Nintendo, but MS and Sony are at least trying to cater to both crowds (i.e. Guitar Hero, Rock Band vs Halo and God of War, Gears, Uncharted, etc). They haven’t totally forgotten who made them who they are.
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07.20.2008 ,
at 11:44 am
Nintendos President did announce that the Mario and Zelda teams are both working on their respective franchises within the first 15 minutes of the show . Surprised that no one caught on to that
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07.20.2008 ,
at 12:53 pm
the wii is fun if you have a bunch of friends over but there are no games that you can really get into buy yourself. i at least thought that zelda twilight princess would be good but the story was like a link the the past all over again. ganon used zant jast as he used aghanim.
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07.20.2008 ,
at 1:22 pm
OMFG ROFL, I feel so sorry for all those 18+ yr old Nintendo fanboys loyally standing by Nintendo while they’re literally being dicked over by them. WiiMusic, WTF was that about? Get a real console (PS3/360) or even a gaming PC - you know deep down the wii isn’t worth the effort or embarassment.
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07.20.2008 ,
at 2:38 pm
A week or so ago I got my stimulus check in and it was time to upgrade myself system wise. I couldn’t decide between Xbox 360 or Wii (nothing on PS3 that I want or that I can’t play on 360). I thought about it and after realizing there are more fun 360 games aimed towards hardcore gamers and only 1 or 2 Wii games…you all know which one I ended up buying. I say with a heavy heart that honestly I will never again support Nintendo. They forgot about me and other hardcore gamers so fuck em.
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07.20.2008 ,
at 3:00 pm
I remember about 3 years ago, I was really looking forward to the Xbox 360 because it seemed like Microsoft actually knew what I wanted in a gaming console. I remember all the people bitching that they were afraid that Microsoft would do to consoles what it did to PC’s — meaning, they would get greedy and start releasing shit just to make money. One friend of mine in particular bought a PS3 and a Wii at first, and only bought a 360 when he realized that he wasn’t playing with either of his consoles. So, now I find it ironic, and I recognize the poetic justice in all those Nintendo fanboys who lap up their marketing spunk and drop their drawers for the inevitable Nintendo Dick every time they announce a new version of Mario Party, Pokemon, etc. They get screwed every time because every game Nintendo makes is the same as a game they made 10 years ago. I know that unless something dramatically changes, I’ll never buy another Nintendo home console (the DS is still cool).
I’m a Wii owner (and also a PS3 and 360 owner) who feels cheated and betrayed, and I approve this message.
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07.20.2008 ,
at 3:17 pm
Nintendo announcing as “oh wait but we are developing a new mario and zelda game as well” but umm…no shit! You will be producing them until you cease to exist! It is to be expected but what would have been nice is actually SOMETHING on those games. Their show was sad and pathetic. I am not a Nintendo fanboy but I do like video games and they didn’t meet anywhere near my hopes and expectations.
By the way, are all these childish games like Wii Music suppose to get full grown adult non-gamers interested in the Wii? I am dumbfounded!
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07.20.2008 ,
at 3:29 pm
I would have to agree with the consensus that it does in fact seem that Nintendo has forgotten those who kept them alive through the Game Cube era. Those between the ages of 15 and 40 need not apply for a ticket to the Nintendo train
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07.20.2008 ,
at 9:16 pm
Cammy was a riot. Many, many, great still shots in the video of her making ridiculous overly-enthusiastic faces. A few great O-faces. Comedy gold.
Really, the press conference was aimed at bean counters and soccer moms. Pitiful.
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07.21.2008 ,
at 2:08 am
All the Wii is doing is ruining Zelda…They could make a much better game and sell many more if they just made it for Playstation and Xbob
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07.21.2008 ,
at 2:35 am
That is so true.The Nintendo’s E3 Conference is not just my epic fail of E3.But my epic fail of Nintendo ever.I had more fun reading this than watching the damn 2 hour long conference.Now I happen to have a 360,PS3,and wii,so I have a idea on the games and everything.Now what makes people play a game?Emerson,Gameplay,story,community ?Right now I say none of the games from Nintendos conference has any of that.Now I hated things from Microsoft and Sony as well.Like the stupid advitars and how most of Sony’s conference was just showing off.But I still enjoyed both.Microsoft has for filled in everything on good games.Fallout,Fable 2.They even had the “Nerdgasem /Nerd rage” of E3 with FFXIII.Sony comes with more little big planet,Resistant 2.What did Nintendo show?Wii music?Snowboarding?Yes they did say there are Mario and Zelda games on the way.Well I already knew that before hand!They didn’t say much about god of war III but at least Sony was kind enough to show us a freak en teaser!Well they keep on saying that the Wii would stop selling at some point,and they are gonna have to give us something good then right?
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07.21.2008 ,
at 5:25 pm
After this conference, I’m seriously thinking about selling my Wii. The only thing that keeps me from doing so, is my two beautiful children who love the console. I’ve owned every Nintendo console since 1986. I never bought a sega console in the 80’s due to my loyalty to the big N. I skipped the cd revolution in favor of the cartridge. I stuck with the Gamecube and never gave in to the Sony hysteria. After all these years of supporting Nintendo, even in their darkest hours, I think I’m done. How the hell do you think you managed to survive this long? It wasn’t casual gamers! It was hardcore gamers! Gamers who stuck by you even through all your stupid mistakes. I think Nintendo forgot that their loyal fan base aged over the years. I was 7 when I bought my NES and now I’m 29. I’m tired of Mario Party, I’m tired of Pokemon and yes I’m even tired of Zelda! Zelda come on the same shit every 3 or 4 years. I want my game purchases to reflect my age. Maybe I want to see Link chop gannon’s head off. Maybe I want to see Zelda in some skimpy lingerie with cleavage busting out in HD. And where the hell is my hard drive? Well Sony I think I’m finally going to give in. I think that blue ray player will look nice on my 52 inch aquos. Peace.
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07.21.2008 ,
at 9:39 pm
First, all you people who say, omg nintendo are not making games for the gamer market, they are no longer the nintendo i once knew.. um yes they are, almost every whinge here is about how “when i played my nes and snes when i was 7 - 10 years old, it was AWESOME now the Wii is shit cause im 10 years older and im not into playing a system designed for kids and casual gamers, ZOMG Nintendo make a system for 20 - 30 year olds like you used to” um no, you all got suckered into the mental trap where you remember an awesome game system 10 years ago, and its still the same, you just expect more out of it because your older and have seen the xbox360 and sony 3. Its also alot easier to create games on a “been around for 20 years” controller system (although with more “features” and about 20 gazillion more buttons). Making games around a controller that you can move and senses you move takes alot more time/creativity. Unless of course you just want a game that is your standard shooter with some random “wank your remote here to jump” functions, and if thats the case… by a xbox360 or sony 3 cause im sure they will jump on the sensor controller bandwagon soon so you can wank your remotes as much as you want.
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07.22.2008 ,
at 1:03 pm
Jamie
Your comments regarding Nintendo remind me of my x-wife. You think Nintendo is never wrong, never makes mistakes and just wait everyone else will do it. She says “I’m never wrong”, “I never make mistakes” and “you’ll see”. Sounds like you need to consider a divorce from Nintendo. Because guess what they’re wrong and so are you! 10 year old. -
07.24.2008 ,
at 8:03 pm
That’s not M night Shyamalan its some dude named ravi drums
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08.23.2008 ,
at 7:43 pm
If you’re so disappointed why don’t you protest by NOT BUYING THEIR SHIT you fucking idiots.
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09.10.2008 ,
at 8:33 pm
I like reading the embarrassing moments. Maybe I’m the guy who take delight in other people’s embarrassing moments.
olol
I recommand a website for you, I read the embarrassing moments everyday in the website.
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09.16.2008 ,
at 5:43 am
[...] The 5 more embarrassing moments of E3’s press conference. [...]
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10.5.2008 ,
at 8:43 pm
I think I’m in love with Cammie! How cute she is!
/swoon
