SoulCalibur IV is here, and fighting game fans should know exactly what to expect by now: Scantily clad vixens with breasts so big that they have ceased to resemble breasts and a smörgåsbord of clichéd characters (a scarred knight with a dark past? More creativity went into designing Ivy’s heaving bosom) out to either obtain ultimate power and destroy the world or stop someone who seeks to obtain ultimate power and destroy the world. Riveting. Does the newest installment’s soul burn like the original Dreamcast title, or has it given up on the concept and decided to sleep in a fiery lake while extending its middle finger skyward?

SoulCalibur IV follows the old “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it” tenet of game design. Namco hasn’t strayed too far from the original’s fighting mechanics, which means that long-time fans won’t have any trouble jumping right into a vs. match and spamming power attacks against a pal who is new to the series. However, that also means that a complete n00b can still find some success smashing the buttons with their forehead. If you’re a friendless loser that can’t even manage to talk someone into hanging out and playing a video game with you, take solace in the expanded single player modes and online fights before you consider drinking a gallon of Drain-o. On the other hand, maybe dousing your insides with a deadly, caustic liquid is exactly what the booming announcer had in mind when he repeatedly asks: “Does your soul still burn?” Well, something burns. I guess the soul is in the esophagus after all!

If you’re an easy-to-please fight fan, SoulCalibur IV will rope you in with its myriad modes and options and keep you coming back for more thanks to the inclusion of online vs. battles. More discerning gamers will quickly realize that this is not a genre-defining experience and sadly repeats a lot of previous content. Of course, spotting the similarities can be tough, as they are masked with gorgeous HD graphics this time around. Rent this sucker to see what the hype is about and to design your very own 200lb pink-afroed amazon with a pirate cape. If you’re in need of a good soul search, break out the original or the stellar follow-up and put the Drain-o away.

Plusses

Nearly endless game play thanks to online battles. Now whenever you want a complete stranger to wipe the floor with you and urge you towards a real-life Ring Out off the roof of your house, it’s possible. Thank you, Bandai Namco!

Addictive fighting. If you have ever found yourself at an arcade for hours, punishing opponents at a Soul Calibur cabinet before going home later to “punish” yourself for looking too hard at Taki’s chest, this game will pull you in and not let go.

The addition of Star Wars characters. While I’m almost positive this move was made strictly to increase sales (which it will), who doesn’t want to try out the lightsabers of Yoda and Darth Vader? Oh, and the “Secret Apprentice” from the upcoming Star Wars: The Force Unleashed is playable, too – but who gives a crap about him?

Minuses

The addition of Star Wars characters. I’m OK with mixing peanut butter and chocolate, but this mash-up is more like dumping a steaming pile of bantha shit on the face of an over-the-hill Japanese man hocking the same game for the 4^th time to overeager fanboys all-too-willing to lap it up.

A nasty sense of déjà-vu. After playing SoulCalibur IV for 10 minutes, I got the nagging feeling that I’d played it before…a few times. This could be a plus for some people, but recycling the same fighting system over and over just strikes me as lazy, especially when the developers are ambitious enough to reinvent what the female form should look like via their wet dream-inducing character designs that appeal solely to 15 year old male otakus who probably sleep with an Ivy-painted body pillow.

Worst micro-transactions ever. Seriously, you want to charge me for STAGE MUSIC? That’s like asking people who bought Halo 3 to spend extra money on…well, STAGE MUSIC. Fuck you, Bandai Namco and fuck your shitty SoulCalibur stage music. Boycott this shit or prepare to pay extra for every silly inconsequential addition developers come up with.