Frank
Toastmaster
jakeoff
cubansamurai
ALeks_M
Headlines, Massouken, microsoft, red ring of death, xbox360
Ah, the ill-fated Xbox 360 Red Ring of Death, how we fear thy ways. After all, with a 16% failure rate, it could happen to anyone. For some of us, it already has. Multiple times. And as much as we love spending a half hour coaxing Microsoft’s customer service into sending us a “coffin” (the sad cardboard box used to mail back your deceased console) only to receive yet another broken replacement, sometimes its easier to just give up. Well then, the least that Microsoft could do is give us a few ideas of what to do with this giant, expired paperweight of failure. That’s why we propose the official Red Ring of Death Apology Manual, printed and paid for by Microsoft themselves, of course. Besides, what else are you gonna do with the damn thing?
Wii Stand
Sure, the snazzy gray stand the Wii comes packed with is cool, but nothing says “Fuck you, Microsoft!” more than perching the tiny Wii on top of the mountain of fried circuitry that is the Xbox360. It’s like screwing your hot new girlfriend in front of your comatose wife.
Towel Heater
While the hard white plastic shell of the 360 is certainly not comfortable, it works wonders on relaxation techniques. Wrap a towel around the console, turn it on for 15 minutes, then unplug it. Viola! - Instant heating pad for muscle and joint pains.
Door Stop
This one is obvious, but we can’t propose this list without it. Why bother wedging that little plastic nub underneath your door, risking back and knee injuries to keep it open, when you can literally drop the 7.8 lb behemoth in front of even the heaviest of doors and get the same effect?
Fake Female Companion
You could easily buy a plastic blow-up doll, but why risk the debilitating embarrassment or bother spending the cash when you already dropped $300+ on a defect-riddled console? A little lube will go a long way with the 360s myriad inputs. The only question is: Are you a front port man, or a back port man?
Unlicensed Wii Fit Balance Board
Spending $90 on Nintendo’s hard-to-find exercise software is pointless if you’re stuck with a busted 360. Simply turn on your TV, tune into that husky-voiced blonde chick doing cardio, and simply follow along using your 360 as a make-shift balance board. Not only will you burn calories, but you’ll take out some of your pent up aggression towards Microsoft for manufacturing such a colossal mess.
Safety Deposit Box
Instead of storing your money away in a bank or an off-shore account in the Caymans like the-minusworld, think about using your busted 360. Let’s face it: No thief worth his salt would take a second look at the 360 sitting in your entertainment center. Why not stuff it full of your cash and valuables? Extra bonus: It’ll clear up more room under your mattress for your filthy Master Chief/Cortana hentai porno collection.
World’s Saddest Kite
Everyone loves kites. Of course, that’s assuming they are capable of riding the wind. Tie a string onto a busted 360, hand it to a little kid, and watch them bawl uncontrollably as they discover that a hulking piece of plastic and soldered wires can’t fly. For extra kicks, tell them Santa Clause won’t be bringing them a new system because he doesn’t exist.
Fireworks
Set up your own fireworks show with the help of Microsoft’s next-gen disaster. You can launch bottle rockets and Roman candles from the outside of the console (the only reliable part) or attach some sparklers into one of the 360s many useless air vents.
Frisbee
Nothing beats tossing the old Frisbee around the yard. It’s fun and helps counter some of the soft-tissue damage incurred from your recent 24 day long Call of Duty 4 binge. Sure, the 360 is a bit bulky and could possibly cause more damage than it did when it actually worked (just ask the unfortunate soul in the picture), but so long as you don’t use it to play catch with your dog, you’re in the clear.
Primitive Mousetrap
Xbox gamers are amongst the most dedicated negligent gamers out there. When they aren’t in the middle of an all-night FFXI session while cos-playing as their in-game avatar (surprise: not every female black mage is being played by an actual female!), they’re letting their basement bachelor pad fall into disrepair. Thankfully, the 360 can easily be converted into a simple, yet effective mousetrap. No longer do you sloppy pixelantes have to worry about rodent infestations!
29 comments 
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08.5.2008 ,
at 8:20 pm
I’d use it to stir a pot of marinara sauce
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08.5.2008 ,
at 9:11 pm
LOL, dude that totally cracked me up man.
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08.5.2008 ,
at 9:42 pm
i’d use it as an assassination device. give it to someone you want gone, let them plug it in and just wait for their house/apartment/room in mother’s basement to burst into flames.
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08.5.2008 ,
at 10:00 pm
Useful as a weight to hold down the trash in an overflowing garbage can. My raccoon problem was solved instantly !!!
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08.5.2008 ,
at 10:09 pm
You know, I have 360 and I did get a 360… it was OUT of warranty and they still fixed it.. what other company would do that for you for FREE? stop complaining and spreading FUD trolls.
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08.5.2008 ,
at 10:46 pm
I dunno about number one…
I don’t want to put my dusty Wii anywhere near my 360. -
08.5.2008 ,
at 11:37 pm
It’s like screwing your hot new girlfriend in front of your comatose wife.
Bahahahaha.
Nice artwork too.
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08.6.2008 ,
at 6:27 am
excellent work,
the firework show would be the best fun!
…and afterwards you could bag it up and send it to microsoft saying it exploded while on standby
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08.6.2008 ,
at 7:05 am
Heheh!! The kid in use number 7 will know to get a PS3 next time; the uplift from the curved upper surface makes it the perfect candidate for tying to a piece of string
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08.6.2008 ,
at 8:30 am
@ Whatever
Sony did that for me with my PS3.
Besides… the ONLY reason they do this is to avoid a lawsuit over their poor design practices … not because they like you.
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08.9.2008 ,
at 12:40 am
too bad the 360, despite all the problems, is still the best system of them all….
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08.11.2008 ,
at 8:03 pm
That was so dumb and pointless and whoever wasted their time making it is the stupidest person in the world. You have no life.
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08.12.2008 ,
at 6:43 am
OMG - I busted a gut reading the saddest kite in the world one. That was frikken godly.
And to all you kiddies crying your eyes out in the comments above - seriously - grow the hell up and get over yourselves. Take a joke for once, god damn.
You don’t have to defend the empires of M$ till the day you die, because M$ is never going to acknowledge any of your “brave” or “outstanding” cry-baby bullsh*t.
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08.22.2008 ,
at 2:03 pm
ok. i have had an Xbox 360 for a good while and it hasn’t had any problems, and yet i can still find the humor in this page. i laughed my ass off at the kite thing. Just because i own something doesn’t mean i can’t laugh at it, jesus christ people its just a game console, not your way of life
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09.5.2008 ,
at 4:55 pm
hahahah those are funny especially the kite one lol and like Gaahhh and OmegaNemesis28 said get over it
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09.8.2008 ,
at 12:28 pm
This is totally photoshopped
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09.8.2008 ,
at 12:28 pm
Oh definitely the shadows are all wrong
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09.8.2008 ,
at 12:29 pm
you can tell by the pixels
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09.11.2008 ,
at 3:47 pm
Frisbee:
Me “Hey Paul! Go Long!!!!!”
*FWOOOOSH*
*THUNK*
Me “Hey Bill….I think I broke it…”
Bill “naw.. hes fine. Hey Paul How was it?”
THE END
ROFLMAOHOUSE -
09.14.2008 ,
at 6:21 am
So epic that xbox fanboys are defending their precious console in a joke…
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09.14.2008 ,
at 5:33 pm
Fake Female Companion
lmfaoooo. thanks for posting, brilliant!
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10.4.2008 ,
at 7:23 am
I had my 360 for about 36 days before it red ringed. The piece of shit has rekindled my love for my ps3, i can’t believe i neglected it to get the so called ’superior console’. Hey Xbox fanboys, if the MS shitbox is better than the ps3, than my piece of shit computer can run games more smoothly than the latest computer model!
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10.10.2008 ,
at 3:04 am
[...] The Xbox 360 ‘Red Ring of Death’ Apology Manual [...]
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10.22.2008 ,
at 5:48 am
funny i have both a ps3 and xbox 360 and i prefer the xbox by miles cause the ps3 is overated
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10.23.2008 ,
at 2:02 am
Billy,
How exactly is the PS3 overrated? If you were to give some reasons I would accept that and move on. I think the 360 is overrated. Most of the good games that are out, or coming out on it, are either being released on the PS3 as well or are on the PC too.
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10.27.2008 ,
at 10:32 pm
lmfao, 360 blows, plain and fucking simple….3 to make a point….
1. you have to pay internet
2. no wireless capabilities
3.red ring of death
everyone at my work, has had to send in their piece of garbage 360 twice..twice! lmfao
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10.27.2008 ,
at 10:51 pm
lmfao, 360 fucking blows, i love all those microsoft fat ass fan boys defending their red ringed system! lick the cheetos stains off of your fingers, and get ready to send off your pathetic ass systems, once they break down again! lmfao pwnd
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10.27.2008 ,
at 10:53 pm
yeah, i had a 360 for about a month, then the damn thing displayed those lovely rings (wish they would’ve sent me a manual like this one) then once they replaced it, sold that piece of shit….don’t need something breaking down on me every couple of months
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10.28.2008 ,
at 1:44 am
it’s just jokes, kids! put your gats down!
