Like you, every four years we turn on the television and are momentarily confused at seeing some random 5′4″ fellow sporting a full-blown uni-brow from an unpronounceable eastern European country jumping around on a gym mat. Then we remember that this can mean only one thing…Gold Bond your tights, kids - it’s time for the Olympics! Keeping in spirit with the 2008 Olympic games in Beijing going on right now, we here at the The Minus World urge all of you to honor the great athletes (lol) that compete in the events of the oft-overlooked Gamers’ Olympics.

This event continually gets harder ever year. Big fucking surprise. At one point, officials tried to include Sega software failures in the hurdles but competitors were unable to persevere beyond the Sonic the Hedgehog towers, let alone that fucking awful NiGHTS sequel.

Button mashing is one of the oldest events in the Gamers’ Olympics, made popular by classic fan-favorites like Street Fighter 2 and every Mario Party game. While some view this “sport” as a simple endurance challenge, in actuality it involves no shortage of finesse as judges frequently award points if gamers accompany their button mashing with overly animated jerks of the controller in the direction of where they want the video game character to go. Conversely, judges penalize an individual if any distinguishable button pattern is found. Female gamers have traditionally monopolized this event using the ever-popular Eddie Gordo as their character of choice. However, with the advent of the Wii, who knows what pedigree of gamer could get a medal in the event this year? Grandpa’s Parkinson’s might finally work in his favor.

Ironic scenario: Underage kid continually buys games like GTAIV with the help of a bum or a hooker on the street outside a store, only to randomly beat the shit out of said bum or hooker years later for money, as practiced so meticulously in the very games they bought for him years earlier. Unlikely? Yes. But our fingers are crossed. Now imagine that everyday scenario as one of the most hotly contested events in recent years.

This event always brings out the most diverse of competitors from all over the globe and allows gamers to interface with millions worldwide without having to deal with the annoying burden of actually getting to know them. Unfortunately, Endurance Warcraft has the highest fatality rate out of all events, as competitors are unusually devoted to sitting in one spot with their faces a foot away from their computer screen, quickly increasing their chances of getting face cancer. However, the more pressing health risk is malnutrition, as participants often go days without food or drink that doesn’t entail Red Bull or Cheetos.

FIRST! This event is more about the substance of the message, not just the timing. Arguably, Competitive Message Boarding is the most contentious out of all the events because it encourages gamers to openly antagonize each other. Gamers who are diminutive in stature and plagued with allergies have traditionally earned Gold medals in this event since they view it as the ultimate medium to flex the “cyber” muscles that are noticeably absent in their real lives. A perfect combination of vicious, baseless wordplay, googled images of insult and well placed emoticons are your path to pixelated success. Additionally, gamers are encouraged to assert that they are someone completely different from who they actually are in reality. For instance, Arthur Pinderton, a pint-sized 15-year-old from Dayton, Ohio easily slide-pwned the competition in this event last year when he haughtily insisted that he was a 6′3 ex-Marine who would “kick anyones ass who said Halo 3 wasn’t the greatest game ever made.”

By far the most dangerous event, competitors are forced to sit still as drive-by shootings and belligerent knife-wielding teenagers randomly eliminate the competition. To top off this exercise in excruciating pacifism, competitors have to sit through tone-deaf, misinformed American Idol participants singing Paula Abdul songs 60 times in a row. The consolation prize is a copy of the book You’re Worth More and a much needed bathroom break.

11 pounds of gaming monstrosity may seem like an easy write-off when you never lift the system or even play it, but stack a few on each side of a blunt steel rod and you’ve got yourself a challenge! While that doesn’t seem like a walk in the park, the event is only made easier because there is never a game worth playing in the system. After the event, lifters usually wind down by playing an Xbox360. It’s always good to remind yourself that video game consoles are for playing video games and not just chunky, ambiguous “home computers” with no real reason to exist.

Not to be confused with the Wireless Controller Baton Pass, the Suspended Joy Pads event is one of the oldest events in the Gamers’ Olympics. While suspended, competitors must reenact a myriad of classic cheat codes by contorting their bodies into various directional arrows and buttons. While most countries begin by pointing their legs up, down, left, then right, the novice athlete will pull off a “Wanted Level Down” or “Clipping Mode Off” maneuver.

As one of the most well-known events, N.E.S. Game Start has aged with excruciating difficulty. Each year brings new levels of challenge to competitors who battle through decades of dusty cobwebs and malfunctioning equipment in order to blow, rub, slap, slam, shake, and angrily bash their way to the top. Using any newer model but the classic sideways toaster-style N.E.S. console is a no-no, but feel free to wedge anything in that orifice that will get that archaic Gyromite game to the start screen.

Originally females were prohibited from competing in this event, but Gamers’ Olympics officials reconsidered the ban because they felt it had the possibility of being “pretty sweet” to watch if the girl-girl banter leads to a more physical encounter. Conversations must be two-sided and judges are not reluctant to grant automatic victories if the girl actually talks to the competitor first. This event is no stranger to controversy in light of Ben Curdsly of Arkansas being stripped of his medal two years ago after officials discovered that his record-breaking two hour conversation was actually with his own mother. It was overlooked at the time because she was only 13 years older than him.

Fact: No Gamers’ Olympic contender has ever won a single medal in this event.