ManOfTeal
Doc Phil
Massouken
Charro
Toe Fu, XBLA, the run down, xbox360
Microsoft has so graciously decided to put a temporary cease to its trickling of craptastic arcade titles and open the flood gates to quench the drought of quality downloadable games with the blessing (pocket drain) of it’s Summer of XBLA lineup. Staying true to my proud form as typical American consumer, I took it as my responsibility to take 16 digits printed on plastic and exchange them for virtual space bucks in a transaction where no real life rules of conversion apply. I attempted to determine the exchange rate of dollars to MS points and my calculator graced my wrist with a release of pudding flow that carried the stank of a half digested numerical anxiety attack. Here’s the run down on the deluge of downloadable offerings.
Week One-Geometry Wars: Retro Evolved 2- Geo Wars is a real mind schtoop. It’s a little known fact that all of those “enemies” you are eradicating are actually just trying to defend their homeland from your constantly shootin’ shit up ship. You are the one intruding on a peaceful race of shapes. Why do you think they don’t fire back? Because before you showed up stinking of meatloaf and no budget vodka they were all about dancing, humping, making cute baby obtuse angles, and humping some more. They aren’t equipped for war! And there you are committing geometric genocide. For shame.
Week Two-Braid- I can’t front. I didn’t buy this game. However, I did play the demo and from what I can gather is that it’s actually a non-licensed Family Ties game set in a fever dream. The story is a little vague, but it appears you are Alex P. Keaton trying to win back the love of your sister Mallory. The reason for her need of a rescuin’ is unclear but I think Alex P. either insulted her boyfriend Nick’s 2nd grade level of education or she was kidnapped by the Democratic party led by Al Gore’s chin. Much like Family Ties, it’s all very artsy fartsy and seems to require actual brain power to comprehend. I would rather go back and continue murdering them shapes some more.
Week Three-Bionic Commando: ReArmed.-Remember when you were a kid and game tapes were balls hard? BC: ReArmed proudly carries on that tradition. Back then getting a new game was a sparse occasion so you solved that shit out of sheer nothing else to play-edness. Since I no longer rely on birfdays or random theft to obtain new titles I will sometimes ban a game to the dirges of my damaged memory never to be spoken of again just because it dared to present the “continue?” screen. I only made it to level 72 before giving up, but in Bionic Commando’s scrotum logic numbering of stages; it’s only the 3rd board. At least I can take comfort in the fact that somewhere in Seattle, Major Nelson is on the line with tech support, holding a controller upside down and wondering why his “remote stick” is making Kameo run backwards.
This week also saw the release of Fable Pub Games-I opted to not make this purchase after I learned my 2 personal favorite bar games were absent. Those being Mega Touch: Nipples Edition and Urinal Battlez: Don’t Pee All Over Myself.
Week Four-Galaga Legions- Hey look! Another psychedelic Euro-trance laden update of a game from a quarter of a century ago. Now I know why as I close my eyes at night all I can see are incandescent forms exploding into neon clusters fading to irradiant trails. Apparently new ideas are too risky of a venture in today’s rehash dependent entertainment culture. Fortunately my dark savior, Lord Kromdor, has taught me acceptance and I will embrace with open arms the bastardized remakes of all the things I once held dear. So bring on the update of Goonies starring L.L. Cool J as Sloth and The Jonas Brothers as the Fratelli’s. Hit me with a new version of Bonk with high def Vaseline smeared graphics. I welcome it all.
Week Five- Castle Crashers- In New Jersey the act of Castle Crashing means to get wasted at Medieval Times and then pass out in the parking lot. Regaining consciousness in the backseat of your car sporting a face smeared with turkey leg grease and then mirror spotting the cell# of a female named “Wench #3” penned on your neck is almost as fun as playing this super stylized 2-D beat em’ up. Awesome art direction, perpetual hack n’ slashing, and simple leveling up all equals arcade excellence. The developer, The Behemoth, are also just a bunch of guys carefully crafting fresh games, so show some indie support. You need a break from shooting shit in the face anyways.
In summary: eradicating a peaceful race is way rad, where the fuck is Skippy?, hard games are for underprivileged kids in the 80’s, don’t literally get pissed at the bar, stop remaking shit, and 2-D will never die.
8 comments 
-
09.3.2008 ,
at 8:52 am
Little known fact. Nick from Family Ties invented the word Yo with his catchphrase “Yo Malorie” and when MTV came out with YO! MTV raps back in the day they actually had to pay him royalties.
-
09.3.2008 ,
at 10:08 am
I can’t wait for the new Toe Fu articles each week; move over Mad Men there’s a new sheriff in town!!! These reviews and commentaries are RAD!
-
09.3.2008 ,
at 10:59 am
Daddy… Nate Cannon’s hilarious.
-
09.3.2008 ,
at 11:39 am
nick was my model for the perfect man.
toe fu is the model for the perfect meat wad. -
09.3.2008 ,
at 3:45 pm
Nate Cannon, even though I was not aware of what a “Mad Men” was at first, I thank you for your enthusiasm. (the check is in the mail), I also have to add a disclaimer that I am not an official sheriff and can not assist with any domestic disputes that may arise.
-
09.3.2008 ,
at 6:00 pm
I love castle crashers
-
09.4.2008 ,
at 12:31 pm
we put about 7 hours into Castle Crashers last night and i’m already contemplating where it fits in my top 20 video games of all time. easily the best XBLA arcade game and that’s coming from a big Geometry Wars addict.
-
09.6.2008 ,
at 12:26 pm
Being the best XBLA game is like being the prettiest Denny’s waitress, there’s still a fuck-ton of room for improvement.
XBLA arcade is redundant.
