Abandoning the long standing tradition of keeping girlfriends and video games mutually exclusive in their respective domains, I recently merged the two parts of my central nervous system that deal with each together and pondered why they cannot peacefully co-exist. Seemingly, most video games in the action/adventure genre reinforce the idea of being devoted to your gal and, one would presume, girls would welcome that gentle reminder to dudes that all that tedious coin-gathering and heroic enemy-bashing is done to attain that ultimate prize: the love of a woman (usually a Princess.)

Furthermore, one of the quintessential female heroes of the gaming world, Samus of Metroid fame, was not pandering to misogynistic characterizations of women by having her quest be about saving her baby or finding the perfect dress for prom. She was kicking ass for the Galactic Federation. You go girl!

Just as a bit of digression, talking about Metroid got me a’thinkin about the first time I viewed my girlfriend on webcam while talking to her on instant messages. I eagerly messaged her “JUSTIN BAILEY,” with full expectation of her honoring the password and dutifully removing her clothes. Needless to say, she did no such thing. I later learned, perhaps due to some sort of hardware glitch, the password to see her naked was MASTERCARD. Oh well. Live and learn.

Anyway. My point (and I do have one…sorta) is that classic video game plot lines and thematic elements cater generously to the empowerment of women and thusly chicks should put down their glass of Hatorade and join us on our futon while we game.

Girlfriends should be awestruck as their dudes exhibit a degree of dedication, acumen, and prowess that goes unmatched in their gaming…and yet remains curiously absent when pertaining to more “important” things in “real” life.I submit that classic action/adventure video games actually foster a mindset detrimental to guys trying to stay afloat in the dating world.

Kung-fu epitomizes this theory of mine. Here’s a tip for all you fellas trying to find a chick that’s not anime. If you have to go through a multi-leveled pagoda filled with dudes trying to kill you just so you can get some ass….STOP. Take a moment and ask yourself some important questions. Who the hell are these guys? Are they a group of vindictive ex-boyfriends she’s banged? If so, why the fuck are there hundreds of them?

(never hug a man in a purple vest)

I mean we’re not talking about a couple of jealous beaus here…she’s got me dealing with a whole assortment of purple-haired punks, a pack of knife-wielding ninjas, a muscular black dude, and an army of midgets to boot.

(Unfortunately, Ving Rhames remains without credit in his IMDB profile regarding one of his earliest roles)

(Make sure to have plenty of STAMINA when being intimate with two men and a midget)

Are they even midgets? What if they are children? Is it worse to punch a midget or a child? What if they are midget-children?!? Wait, why the fuck are snakes and dragons after me? Is this chick some sort of Wiccan-goth slut that even managed to piss off mystical characters that exist only in fantasy? Heck, considering the sheer number of angry guys after me, maybe the bitch deserves what’s coming to her.

Ok…ok…I know what you’re thinking. “Sub…you’re not fighting a bunch of dudes she’s dated in the game. Get real.” And to that I say, a) The 80’s are over and nobody uses the term “get real” anymore and b) isn’t the main bad guy in the game named “Mr. X”…or should I say “Mr. Ex“? Hmmmmm…

( remember guys…her ex is her problem…be the bigger man and walk away)

Keep in mind, your love interest in the game is not even a princess. She’s probably some Denny’s waitress who served the wrong food to the wrong people at the wrong time and now you’re footing the bill. To top it all off her name is Sylvia. Blech. Sounds too close to “saliva” for me buddy. Fuck this noise. No chick is worth this much trouble. Let the wacky array of thugs have her…there’s always another shift change at IHOP.