Nintendo Announces Nintendo Infinity S

Kent on September 15th, 2008

Are you ready for Nintendo’s most immersive gaming experience yet? Welcome to the Nintendo Infinity S, the gaming console/protective body suit of the future!

Simply slip on the stylus finger-gloves, don the helmet to engage dozens of virtual touchscreens, insert the Nintendo Game Needle directly into the base of your spine, and you’re ready to go! Connect with friends and give vocal commands through the tiny microphone implanted in your new false tooth (hand-installed by our crack team of Nigerian dentists!)

And best of all, the Nintendo Game Needle engages directly with your central nervous system, sending signals to sensitive pressure points throughout your body. Empathize with your Pokémon like never before, feeling each scratch, punch, and bruise as they slowly lose consciousness.

The Infinity S is the system that goes the extra mile, whether it’s providing realistic surround sound or testing your hair and saliva samples against state and federal criminal databases! For fun!

And don’t worry about those bulky batteries and charging stations. The Infinity S recharges itself by consuming the oxygen in your bloodstream and replacing it with a combination of carbon monoxide and lead. And thanks to the unstable radioactive chemicals in the Infinity S Central Processor, this parasitic man-machine relationship could turn you into a real-life Spiderman*!

Included in the Nintendo Infinity S Starter Pack are a series of new and classic games, as well as programming code that allows the Nintendo Corporation to commandeer your body in the case of a national emergency or loss of market share. And keep those iPods away, because an electromagnetic pulse emanating from the headgear will destroy Xbox 360s, Playstation 3s, and any other electronics you or your neighbors may own. But you won’t need them once you store all of your personal files and biographical information on our proprietary server.

So drop by your local gaming store and try out a Infinity S. If you’re not completely satisfied with your gaming experience within 30 days, you can try to remove the gaming suit, although it is not medically recommended that you do so. Stop in today!

*This is virtually guaranteed not to occur.