5 Super Power Pussy Moves From The 80’s That Need A Next Gen Comeback

agent b on September 17th, 2008

The 1980’s were a magical era where glitzy teenage passion ruled the streets, video games came to life and anybody with a tube of hair gel could get inside Heather Graham’s vagina. It was a time when Michael J Fox was allowed to drive and holograms confused and amazed us. However, time has been an evil wench and we have forgotten much of what we learned in that era. Today’s video games are all about the flashy graphics and over the top super moves but there are many lessons to be remembered from that glorious decade. And no, none of them involve the Power Glove.

Nothing said “I am very surprised to see what I am looking at” like the Neon Glasses Brim Tip Surprise Face. In the 80’s you could use it every time a girl got out of a car, closed her locker, or bent down to pick up her pom poms. Nowadays it is a rare move, mostly because people realized that giant neon glasses made their faces look like traffic lights in retard town, but also because nobody is really surprised at anything anymore. Modern video games are advertised with 27 seconds of pre-rendered stock footage and 3 seconds of gameplay but they could greatly benefit from a jump cut to a jaded teenager tipping his glasses in surprise as he witnesses the amazing visuals for the first time. Then lasers could shoot out of his eyes and the game’s logo would explode.

The #1 way to convince a woman to sleep with you in the ’80’s wasn’t to show her your Bejeweled high score on an HDTV, it was to challenge William Zabka to a fight and win. From January 1st in 1980 to New Year’s Eve at midnight in 1989, William Zabka was legally required to be the bully in every single 80’s movie. He even played the role of the homework assignment in Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure and a woman’s first period in Heathers. None of today’s boss fights are as cocky or perpetually menacing as the wits and might possessed by William Zabka and that is why he needs to return to battle every major protagonist in every major video game today.

When approaching a sweatband clad, frizzy haired 80’s slore with a Gem t-shirt, it was proper etiquette to make your next move known to all by publicly doing the Right Before Sex Listerine Mouth Spray. This minty ritual could also be used in reverse to attack incoming threats, such as William Zabka. However, the move has never made its way into a video game before and would be a much needed addition now. Would you kiss Yoshi’s gross old tongue without doing the Listerine Mouth Spray? What about Kirby? Lord knows how much disgusting shit he fits in his mouth all day. Freshen up your stupid face for once.

Cars are the fastest vehicle that most of us are allowed to drive but traveling through them is a slow and awkward process. You have to open a door, climb in, hop over the stick shift and climb out the other side. Nobody with tits has ever seen that and said “that is what I want in a man.” That is why the 80’s invented the Arrive On Time Corvette Hood Slide, allowing a traveler to quickly slide from one side of a car to the other. Video games today have largely forgotten this once widely respected technique, forcing players to run around cars or shoot a rocket at them so they disappear entirely. That’s a perfectly good waste of a car that is much more easily slid over in style.

The Gang Laugh In Unison Credits Freeze Frame is the best way to seal the deal. The main character tells a softbatch, conclusive joke to his sidekick or prospective tang and every other character chimes in with laughter. The scene is then frozen in time and the credits roll. Alternate methods include the Gang Jump In The Air In Celebratory Unison Credits Freeze Frame and the Gang High Five Each Other In Celebratory Unison Credits Freeze Frame. Unlike the rampant cliffhanging sequel whoring that plagues next-gen video game endings, this type of finale ensures that the story has come to a perfect closure. We have all enjoyed our previous adventures and have decided to bring them to mutual consummation. It is very much like tucking away the life size cutout of Kelly Kapowski under your bed as you kiss her goodnight and shut off the lights.

So goodnight, you dreamy teens. Goodnight.