Video games vs. old people: a once divided battle between forward thinking technology and xenophobic, bedwetting confusion has finally come to a close. As much as I’m all for gaming’s rapidly aging expanding userbase, the potential death risk of these active ancestors flailing controllers in the air wildly is not worth the loss of our nation’s coveted resource of delusional and decrepit fossils posing as human beings. If they were eradicated, no one would go to the Olive Garden at 9 AM to order dinner. Crossword puzzles would go unsolved. Solitaire would play itself. The Price Is Right would be canceled. So it’s with great caution that we collectively realize that the Wii’s wildly sporadic, wand waggling pre-corpse party excuse just might hold the power to systematically destroy every single senior citizen on earth.

This withered walrus is not prepared for this shit. It’s more exercise than he’s been involved with since a tiger mauled a magician at a Sigfried & Roy Vegas magic show. We need him to save his energy so he can roam the streets like trembling a crustacean in search of moth ball coupons and discount movie tickets. Stay alive for America!

Case in point, this gerontic gremlin is clearly unfit to spar. His stolen gym clothes might depict otherwise, but don’t let him fool you. He’s one tennis match away from being benched forever.

Why don’t you think about this tender timeworm before handing him eye coins for the river man? When he drops, who else will deliver us delicious juices?

This vintage vampire needs blatant visual warnings to deter him and his dusty bat cave of a wife from entering a world of motion gaming that could be the death of them. The younger woman shown here is what is known as an “enabler.” She wants Grandfather’s old treasures and will stop at nothing to inherit them, even if it means murder.

Look into the frozen smile of this stale stalwart. Who would want that to expire? All that waving around and he might accidentally destroy his widow’s Precious Moments collection. Or worse, his femoral artery. Stick to being racist at the Elks Lodge, elder.

This prehistoric Pap Pap is old enough to have seen Jesus riding a dinosaur. He needs blatant visual warnings to deter him and his ancient bat cave of a wife from entering a world of gaming that could extinguish them. Do you really want them to die? Even worse, do you really want them holding up the line at Gamestop by counting pennies and arguing with the manager? I care about you venerable coffin dodgers, I really do. Sit this one out. And stop driving everywhere too. You’re terrible at it.