Frank
Toastmaster
jakeoff
cubansamurai
ALeks_M
Kent, donkey kong, mario
In a bizarre turn of events, video game savant and cult personality Billy Mitchell has reportedly taken a hostage in his hometown of Hollywood, Florida. According to early reports, Mitchell was seen at a local video arcade, where he began ranting about “honor and respect” after jamming his finger on the Centipede trackball several times in a row while trying to set yet another world record. Mitchell snapped, exiting the arcade in a cloud of stray mullet hairs and driving to the construction site of his new multi-story Mega-Rickey’s Restaurant. He then grabbed his assistant Kaylee around the waist and ascended into the construction site, where he has begun to make a series of increasingly implausible demands.
Included in his most recent list are demands to brand every male infant in the nation with a tie-shaped American flag tattoo, as well as a request to make beard growth and maintenance an Olympic sport. Police have been trying to reach Mitchell for hours, but he has cut off communication with the authorities. Attempts to scale the construction site have been foiled by an increasingly difficult series of obstacles and booby-traps that Mitchell has apparently installed in anticipation of this event. These obstacles include rolling hot sauce jugs and flaming oil drums, an apparent side effect of Mitchell’s efforts to scientifically concoct the most powerful hot sauce on the planet. Many policemen have perished on just the first floor of the site, while those men that do advance are frustrated by Mitchell taunting them and then climbing to even higher floors.
In a last-ditch effort to save the life of young Kaylee, authorities have called upon Steve Wiebe, Mitchell’s arch nemesis in the gaming world. It is rumored that only Wiebe can artfully navigate the twists, turns, and jumps necessary to reach the top of Mitchell’s elaborate maze of death. As we went to print, Wiebe has begun suiting up in his customized red overalls and protective painter’s hat in preparation for the ascent. We will keep you notified with any updates.
2 comments 
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09.19.2008 ,
at 5:09 pm
I want to go down to Billy Mitchell’s restaurant order a huge plate of hot wings and a large coke, eat, and then not tip the waitress. I know, pretty harsh, but that bastard must pay!
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09.21.2008 ,
at 4:24 pm
I was just wondering what Billy Mitchell was up to. I can always count on The -Minus World for the latest breaking news and stellar photography.
