Frank
Toastmaster
jakeoff
cubansamurai
ALeks_M
agent b, peripherals, wii
Remember when Nintendo jacked Apple’s whole marketing steez and promoted sleek simplicity, clean minimalism and sought to reduce decades of progressively bloated video game controller madness into a simple white wand? Well, my coffee table doesn’t. It’s too busy being suffocated by a veritable gangbang of cables, failed shell peripherals and awkward, idiotic controller jackets. Sure, some of them are beautiful game enhancing goodness (Classic Controller, how I love thee), but mostly it’s just one big insult to the imagination. I think by now we’re all pretty accustomed to pretending video game controllers are steering wheels or guns; we don’t need clunky plastic shells to help bridge our brains to the on-screen madness, especially when they don’t look anything like their real-life counterparts.
My Wii experience has yet to devolve into any sort of physical damage, human death or television explosions, but I guess I’m in the minority. Unsurprisingly, Nintendo opted for the preemptive “prepare for the actions of everybody based on a handful of complete idiots” damage control business model. They ditched the minimalist look of the Wii-mote and started commanding you via in-game messages to wear the wrist strap. Then, after wild, flailing idiots figured out that the wrist straps broke when you played Wii Sports like wild, flailing idiots, Nintendo issued stronger ones. Not content with being tied to a sturdy idiot rope the entire time, these dimwits started smashing themselves and their friends and families with the Wii-mote itself. In response, Nintendo issued out giant rubber controller condoms that essentially give the controller the aesthetic beauty of a blind dog’s chew toy.
The Wii experience was supposed to be inviting and easily accessible for anyone. Instead, my living room looks like a failed S&M torture device storage facility full of bizarre plastic objects. Bring back the simplicity you promised us, Nintendo. Call up R&D and cancel that giant vacuum cleaner attachment you have planned for the next Kirby game and ditch the inevitable Wii-tard helmets with matching padded chairs and drool cups idea.
5 comments 
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09.22.2008 ,
at 8:37 am
Well said my friend, well said. I’m sure the retarded Nintendo fanboys will dissagree with you though.
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09.22.2008 ,
at 9:23 am
Where’d you get the picture of my coffee table?
This post is spot on. My wii has devolved into a pile of wires and controllers.
I don’t see the sensor bar in the pile though. That thing drives me nuts. Everytime you go to move the system it comes flying off the tv at you. I just cover my head and yell “incoming” -
09.22.2008 ,
at 4:55 pm
As a former Nintendo fanboy who left for Sony during the PS1 and PS2 years and returned for the Wii, I…agree that the dopey, plastic steering wheel crap has got to stop.
I do like the Wiimote jackets, though. Ugly as hell, but the remote’s a lot more comfortable and less likely to fling out of greasy, sweaty gamer hands.
At least Nintendo didn’t issue Wii Gloves for players’ hands, or something else Michael Jackson-y.
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09.22.2008 ,
at 6:52 pm
The sensor bar is there. It’s hidden between the wheel and the controller condom.
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09.23.2008 ,
at 9:42 am
“likely to fling out of greasy, sweaty gamer hands”… WTF? What kind of ‘games are you playing over there?
You really need to do some sort of physical activity if playing a game is making you sweat that much.
I love that Nintendo keeps doing all this lame crap to their system. If I had ever considered buying a Wii, that thought was quickly gone when the proved to me the people they are marketing to… retards.
That should be their new tag-line… “5 Year Olds and people with the I.Q. of a 5 year old will love it!”
