Frank
Toastmaster
jakeoff
cubansamurai
ALeks_M
agent b, ds
Yeah, I know. September is almost over. That doesn’t mean there isn’t enough time to warn you mental giants about not throwing your hard-earned handheld money into an inextinguishable game fire. You guys would warn me before I fell on a sword or lubed up a shark, right? OK, just making sure. Avoid these 5 shelf shats like the plague.
Imagine if two clam-diving winged horses traveled through space, ejaculating glitzy stardust and velvet rainbow linen all over unsuspecting faces. You’d have Bella Sara and you’d have an alien STD. I did some research on Bella Sara because I’m single an active, diligent game journalist and what I learned may shock you: This shit makes no fucking sense.
This game is a total ripoff of my Ubisoft game pitch: Imagine - Bachelor Party, a mystery-adventure where you and your crack team of loopy sleuth friends piece together the puzzle of what happened last night at the bachelor party. If the night was REALLY awesome and Tom Hanks was involved, one of your friends might’ve fucked Bella Sara!
6,000 questions, 5,999 of which are about why the box art makes no sense. The last one is asking you what the fuck you were thinking when you bought this game.
On any other day I would totally vouch for a game that was basically a giant metaphor for teenage vagina secrets, but today I will pass on to more weathered pastures where experience is queen and a regrettable but notoriously targeted tramp stamp is her crown.
How does…how does this even exist? How can I even write a joke for this? I could literally just post this picture in every one of my articles for a month instead of actually doing any work and people would think I was a comedy blogging genius forever. Whisper “Candyman” into the DS microphone 3 times and kill yourself for even considering purchasing this. I must say, though, that I am very impressed that the German Shepherd in the picture was able to autograph his own name. He really makes those other three dogs look like complete fucking idiots. Nice penmanship, Shep!
2 comments 
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09.24.2008 ,
at 1:18 pm
Notice how Ubisoft and EA did a majority of those?
Well, EA can be excused because they will produce pretty much any game that gets tossed on their corporate desks…
as for Ubisoft… the French suck at oh so many things, now we can add ‘making video games’ to that list.
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09.24.2008 ,
at 8:43 pm
And the winner is: Ubisoft with 60% of the games on that list. They should really try taking the words “Quality” and “Control” and putting them together so I have a game to look forward to this fall. And I’m not talking about Rayman Raving Rabbids 3.
