Richard
ManOfTeal
Doc Phil
Massouken
Charro
8-Bituary, Toe Fu, sega
A fresh teeny tiny adorable tombstone popped up in the gaming graveyard this week. Etched in granite, the newly-opened worm buffet reads, “Alicks Cidd.” The misspelling comes as no surprise, as even in death, this mini-mascot garners no respect.
The oft-forgotten character was finally executed after a lengthy stay on retro death row. He was strapped into an extremely uncomfortable chair and sent on a one-way lightning ride. He was not able to be buried in his family’s plot due to his chibi-corpse being covered in gang related prison ink. Even though Kidd had the swooshy sideburns, it was a little known fact that he was an Orthodox Jew. You all should be ashamed of yourself for assuming he was just a little monkey-boy.
Alex Kidd burst onto the 80s gaming scene hopeful of being the next big thing after Sega promised him mascot fame as the face of the Sega Master System. Sadly, celebrity eluded him and he was soon stuck in the shadow of a certain fat-assed spaghetti-swilling plumber.
Consumed with hatred and jealousy, Kidd went on to become one of gaming’s most reviled serial killers, operating under the name “The RPS Killer.” He earned the moniker by determining the fates of his victims with the outcome of a simple game of rock, paper, scissors. Other names appointed were “The Roshambo Ripper” and “Jan-Ken-Pon Wayne Gacy.” He racked up a pixelated body count of 29 lesser known 8-Bit game characters before finally being apprehended and delivered to justice by a vigilante street team made up of Chuck Rock, Shinobi, and Joe Montana (Don’t ask).
No donations will be accepted in lieu of his passing; Alex Kidd was a sick individual and we can’t accept any fancifully wrapped presents in his memory. Instead, go adopt a three-legged cat or call your grandmother to apologize for that German poultry fetish video you accidentally forwarded to her.
…
Fuck it - just send us a Street Fighter IV arcade cabinet.
2 comments 
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10.27.2008 ,
at 3:01 pm
Look up Alex Kidd in Miracle World - Part 1 of 6 on youtube and tell me stone head doesn’t look exactly like Jason from Friday the 13th with his mask off.
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11.19.2008 ,
at 1:36 pm
Where are the new 8-Bituarys??? Somebody must have died.
