River City Ransom High School Reunion Was “Pretty Violent, Awkward”

agent b on October 17th, 2008

You’re probably dreading your high school reunion, but at least yours won’t involve bumping into a guy who kidnapped your girlfriend, held her hostage at the top floor of a building, and made you fight dozens of street gang members with bats and tires. It’s not like you can just walk up to him and tell him about your new promotion. He fucking ransomed your high school sweetheart, man. That is some never forgive type shit. So as expected, former classmates Ryan and his friend Alex (who tagged along to get his ass kicked in the 80’s without the promise of some kidnapped pussy, Luigi style) bumped into River City’s most ruthless bully Slick while he was attempting to spike the punch bowl and shit just popped the fuck off.

Alex, who was voted “most likely to get beat up by multiple gangs during senior year” (his high school yearbook quote was “Barf!”) initiated the ordeal by smashing Slick with a swift Acro Circus attack to the face, causing bouncing pocket change to drop everywhere. The less successful alumni ran to pick it up before it flashed quickly and vanished into thin air. Gangs like “The Frat Guys” and “The Home Boys” tossed their Merv’s Burgers catered party food to intervene with metal pipes and baseballs. Riots broke out and gang warfare erupted. Luckily, the death count was lessened since the affair required an awkward and impossibly memorized 75 digit password for admittance. More on this story as it takes to the streets, loses half of its health, hits the sauna, buys a Techno Belt from Toys Galore and hopefully produces a new sequel because we really fucking loved River City Ransom.