ManOfTeal
Doc Phil
Massouken
Charro
Rob Nausea, wii
(This is Rob’s worst nightmare.)
Having kids of your own has a lot of benefits: You’ve always got someone to fetch you an ice cold beer from the fridge, there is no better scape-goat for failed shop-lifting attempts, and kids are the perfect ice-breaker with hot broads at the local park. There is however, one god-awful downside that they neglect to mention when you sign up for unplanned parenthood - shitty games.
Sure, the young ‘uns are happy enough to sit by and watch me play Super Mario Galaxy, but sooner or later they want to have a turn and always suck at it. If you have boys, they will be able to destroy you at any game once they hit the age of seven, but in my case, I have two daughters - aged six and three - so it’s a whole different ballgame.
(This is Rob’s home-made Wii.)
While my eldest is passable playing Peach in Mario Kart Wii, her younger sister has yet to master the concept of steering and accelerating at the same time. What are they teaching them at pre-school these days? The fucking alphabet? My point being, on those dreary winter afternoons when most parents are dragging their
offspring down to Blockbuster to rent the latest Bratz DVD, I take the moral high ground and drag them down to Blockbuster to rent Wii games. For all of you fortunate enough to never have to endure an hour of
Hannah Montana, I will fill you in on just what you aren’t missing.
(This is Rob when he’s not busy parenting.)
Miley Cyrus is guilty of a variety of crimes against good taste - the most heinous of which is getting her dad back on TV. The second of which is her Wii game. As seems to be the case more and more, this is a kids game that is pretty much too hard for any kid to beat. You would think that the Wiimote would be a massive improvement over the shitty button mashing of PS2 rhythm games of old, but it’s actually far, far worse. All that happens now is that even when you do get the combination right, the unresponsive controls scream that you’ve failed, which in turn leads to my daughter seeking my assistance to help Hannah limp through another performance in gay Paris.
Once I made it through three-and-half-minutes of over-processed priss-pop, I had earned enough money for Hannah and Co. to go on another shopping spree at the mall. This part of the game is actually fun if you’re a six-year-old girl; there are a good variety of shops and outfits to buy. Unfortunately, the fact that the player has to make it through increasingly frustrating waggle stages to get to these parts is just moronic.
If that wasn’t bad enough, you’ll also be subjected to poorly rendered cut-scenes featuring gags from the cast - complete with canned laughter! This is the point where you pretend that the battery in the Wiimote has run out and get the kids to go and do something constructive (like wash the dishes) while you play a real game.
When Rob’s not ranting about the abysmal state of modern video games, you can catch him ranting about the abysmal state of modern rap culture at Unkut.com
4 comments 
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10.26.2008 ,
at 7:36 pm
Wii sucks, this game is proof
/statement
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10.26.2008 ,
at 7:38 pm
edit, nintendo in general sucks, nintendo fanboys need to try and stop bashing xbox and ps3 when they dominate nintendo in every aspect
/domination
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10.26.2008 ,
at 7:50 pm
Whoa, where did that rant come from? Leave the fanboy angst at the door, pal - this isn’t a nerdy internet message board for you to demonstrate your allegiance to faceless corporations and the boxes of soldered circuits and plastic that represent them. Oh, and if you’re going to bash fanboys, it might be a good idea not to look like one in the process.
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10.27.2008 ,
at 2:38 am
Nice work picking up the super-subtle digs at the 360 and PS3 that litter this post Anon.
