XBLA-The Demo Dog Days of Fall

Toe Fu on October 28th, 2008

Fall has fell and the offerings of actually playable game releases on XBLA have come to a grinding halt. Sure we had a plasma sword incision to the wallet with the quality offerings of the Summer of XBLA, but like a drunken night of go-go grab-assery, the house lights eventually come on and all things rad must come to an end. These are the demo dog days of XBLA. If you can actually make it past 2.4 minutes into the trial of these games, or even worse dish out the digital duckets for them, then you must be the same dude who thinks that Brazilian g-string grinder you donated your Honda payment too will actually go back to your studio apartment with you for microwaved White Castle burgers and private choreographed crotch crunches. For your safety and sanity, here is a run down on some of the past few weeks offerings of downloadable diarrhea.

Pirates vs. Ninjas Dodgeball- Can someone explain to me pirate popularity? Maybe I’m dense (I am) but fruity pantaloons and accessorizing with a tourettes inflicted tropical bird is pretty lame. A hook appendage, eye patch, and peg leg? You aren’t ironically humorous, you are handicapped. Go on disability and stop playing dodgeball with Ninjas. You will get to park wherever you want and can use the more spacious bathroom stalls with out any guilt. Trust me, it’s a life of luxury.

Shadow Assault Tenchu - Tenchu graciously took time out from playing dodgeball with flamboyant seven sea sailors to star in this title of ninja nugacity. Attention all ninjas: at one time you were undeniable icons of cool. I used to lay awake at night wishing Storm Shadow was my mom and then eat my meals using a throwing star as my only utensil. Stop the saturation of your stealthy superiority. You are dangerously close to getting your silent but deadly card punched. Curb your katana and numb your nunchakus and do like the Wu. Lay low for a while than drop some freshness.

Shred Nebula- Shred Nebula were a 90’s thrash metal band that achieved minor success after fluffing Rikki Rachtman live on air during a taping of Headbangers Ball. The group disbanded after the oral offering gave lead singer Grizzly Gall a fatal case of the throat clap. This game is dedicated to his memory. Be forewarned- if you download this game, you will undeniably contract a STD. Try explaining to your sweetie that those oozing helmet sores came from a downloadable Xbox game.

Mega Man 9- This game is awesome. On the Wii with the classic controller, that is. Have you ever tried to use the d-pad on the 360 controller? Trying to pull off moves in Street Fighter with it is comparable to being a responsible social drinker, an effort in futility. Take a moment to press your thumb on your taint and try to make a fireball motion. See how it’s all spongey and moist? Hadouken failed. MM9 requires precise platforming and you are only setting yourself up for gaming self esteem suicide from d-pad disappointment. This rule also applies to the release of Samurai Showdown II.

MLB Stickball- Gamers are often stereotyped as middle aged chubsters obsessed with playing kids games. Professional baseball players ARE obese 35 year olds playing kids games. The minor differences are they just are idolized, get paid millions, and get to hump Madonnas gap tooth.. Of all the games, I had the hardest time sitting through this demo. Controlling a bobble-headed redneck with questionable facial hair made me take an inner journey into my own existential beliefs and I was one shred of Big League Chew away from quitting gaming forever.

Feeding Frenzy 2- It is a law of nature that on any occasion free food is presented, people will swarm to it like mosquitoes to a hemophiliac with a paper cut. You could leave out a tray of neon green shellfish garnished with litter encrusted cat tootsie rolls on toothpicks and people will line their pockets with plastic wrap just to smuggle some home to their kids. This actually happens when the word ‘FREE’ is suggested in any context. You could leave a bucket of Staind cd’s floating in embryonic fluid on the curb and without a doubt someone in a pickup truck will scoop that shit up.