ManOfTeal
Doc Phil
Massouken
Charro
Gears of War, Massouken
Gears of War introduced gamers to the perfect marriage of superior firepower and noisy backyard barbarism: The Lancer. You know, in case filling a Locust Drone with a clip and a half wasn’t an option and you just had no other choice but to cut him in twain from crown to crotch. Of course, the chainsaw part of the gun was instantly more popular, but its attachment to an assault rifle helps the Lancer appeal to both trigger-happy NRA members and burly, bearded lumberjacks.
To celebrate the release of Gears of War 2, we at The Minus World have crafted a list of five other ways to use the Lancer, from the practical to the ridiculous. And no, not a one includes violently maiming your annoying neighbors, you sicko!
Landscaping is Marcus Fenix’s favorite hobby (followed closely by grunting loudly and killing things). The Lancer lets the gore-loving green thumb get to those pesky hard-to-reach branches and keep his lawn in pristine condition. Now, he just has to hope a Locust hole doesn’t open up beneath his beautiful backyard.
There’s nothing funnier than a practical joke, so leave it to Gus to give the cranky old librarian a heart-stopping surprise. There won’t be any quiet in the library when EMTs are using the defibrillator. Oh Gus, you joker you!
COG warriors have little to be thankful for: Another day alive, and maybe a hot meal now and then. Even if their prayers are just guttural yells followed by vigorous chest-pounding, the task of slicing up a turkey falls to sarcastic bastard Baird. Who wants a leg, bitch?!
Cannon-fodder Carmine hates it when the local kids hit their baseball into his yard. His “Beware of Wretches” sign has no effect on the rapscallions, so he’s begun running towards them with his Lancer screeching. That’ll show ‘em…until he gets BOOM! HEADSHOT’D.
From fades and mohawks, to gheri curls and beehives, regular razors just aren’t cutting it these days. The Lancer was designed for war, but in the hands of dandy Dom it’s also great for keeping Kid and Play look consistently irrelevant. Just be sure to tip your barber or he might end up decapitating you.
2 comments 
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11.10.2008 ,
at 12:26 am
Trimming Marcus was done brilliantly
You guys can sharpen ur lancers on your RROD’d 360s.
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11.18.2008 ,
at 12:37 pm
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