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Archive for the " agent b " Category
After 3 years of wonky service, the cacophonic failure that is my Xbox 360 is finally being shipped off to Javier at Microsoft Customer Service where it will die a miserable death. Included, I’ve slipped in a copy of the Red Ring Of Death Apology manual to remind Javier of all the great things you can do with such a pathetically unreliable piece of retired equipment. Do it up, Javier! Make that brick your bitch. I made sure to give it a proper coffin, but no amount of ironic symbol jokes could lessen the sadness that is me not being able to play Gears Of War 2 right now. Somebody hug me.
Another page has leaked from the infamous World Power Magazine, a stain that will forever smirch the otherwise bloodless white gloves on the hands of Nintendo Power. Known for their celebrity interviews, this issue delved into the dark and seedy world of early 90’s exhibition basketball teams with twisted and sexually banworthy results. Hide your daughters!
After their 197th consecutive day of shrub clearing and man to man recreational duck hunting, Bob Omb and Bullet Bil (the current Mushroom Kingdom administration) held a laid back country press conference live from their Moo Moo Ranch vacation getaway. Thankfully, news stations and camera crews were one of the 5 things that Bob Omb didn’t completely destroy during his time in office and were just barely able to report the story without anyone going broke, getting flooded or losing their jobs.
Pollsters revealed today the predicted voting habits for this year’s Thwomp The Vote election, and Super Mario World is still split down the middle. The Forrest Of Illusion is, per usual, still woefully undecided. The mountainous southern heartlands of Chocolate Island are unanimously pro-Mario, while the leftist, coastal regions of Donut Plains and Butter Bridge are in full support of Luigi. However, the race could come down to a bunch of fake item boxes if the voting machine format isn’t worked out, and thousands of dedicated voters could be proverbially dropped into the hundreds of bottomless pits across the world.
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More: Thwomp The Vote, agent b
Three or four times a year, every credible video game news website and magazine takes a break from writing 5000 word glowing previews for cellphone games based on Vin Diesel movies and attempts to publish a funny article about bad video game tattoos. That’s nice and all, but not only is it a stale, played out concept, but it’s also way too late in addressing the actual problem: video game tattoos are almost always a bad idea. That’s why we here at The Minus World would rather pinpoint the issue before it becomes a reality-based epidemic that only extensive laser surgery can wash off. And with that, we bring to you the “10 Video Game Tattoos We Never Want To See.” We’re just looking out for our gaming pals out here.
As Nintendo comfortably holds the top console sales spot in this current gaming generation, the battle for 2nd place is really heating up through decidedly chicken shit, bitchy attacks from the two remaining sides. Yeah, that’s right - modern warfare is apparently fought by pillaging the spoiled little brother of aggregate review sites like Gamerankings.com and bombarding the user reviews of upcoming competitor’s titles with low scores. Way to take it to the streets, dunny.
As the campaign race between Mario and Luigi quickly approaches election day, a promotional war is being fought in the streets by each candidate’s supporters. Mario’s side has stuck to traditional means of spreading the word by relying on hateful television ads and borderline retarded right wing radio hosts to downplay his opponent, while Luigi’s camp has been utilizing grassroots style publicity pleas, bake sales, and drum circles. From the subterranean slums of the sewer stages to the glitzy riches of Star Road, it seems every inch of surface in the Mushroom Kingdom is being blanketed with advertising. Are Luigi’s supporters taking things too far? How will Mario’s historically slanderous street team clap back? And why the fuck is everyone in World 4 always undecided? Stay tuned for all these answers and more as our Thwomp The Vote ‘08 coverage continues!
While the Wii has been a universal success, Nintendo’s focus on the casual market has lead core gamers to believe that they’ve been abandoned. Long-time Nintendo fans don’t want easily accessible nonsense like Wii Music, they want epic, 20-hour long annual revisits to the same three franchises they’ve been playing since 1985. To silence the doubters, President of Nintendo of America and former Pizza Hut marketing guru Reggie Fils-Aime took to the stage at a recent press conference and made a startling new declaration.
You’re probably dreading your high school reunion, but at least yours won’t involve bumping into a guy who kidnapped your girlfriend, held her hostage at the top floor of a building, and made you fight dozens of street gang members with bats and tires. It’s not like you can just walk up to him and tell him about your new promotion. He fucking ransomed your high school sweetheart, man. That is some never forgive type shit. So as expected, former classmates Ryan and his friend Alex (who tagged along to get his ass kicked in the 80’s without the promise of some kidnapped pussy, Luigi style) bumped into River City’s most ruthless bully Slick while he was attempting to spike the punch bowl and shit just popped the fuck off.
At a secret booth at this year’s Tokyo Game Show, a Sonic Team representative gave us a rare look at how modern 3D Sonic games are made. Their latest effort, Sonic Unleashed, features Sonic as a werehog slowly combating enemies in an outdoor European café. No joke. They must have played the original Sonic games and said “this is fun, but what if we made it slower, clunkier, hairier, and more European?” Thus, Sonic Unleashed was born. Before being taken backstage by Sega (who has been taking Sonic fans in the backstage since the mid 90s), we mumbled to ourselves, “do these idiots have a giant wheel where they come up with all these terrible ideas?” Lo and behold, we were right on the money!
