8-Bituary: Karnov

Toe Fu on September 15th, 2008

Mourners filled Russia’s Red Square today to celebrate the life and passing of beloved local hero Jinborov Karnovski. The celebrated circus strongman turned side-scrolling fireball loogy lobber was discovered in his home floating face up in a bathtub full of home distilled potato vodka. The Moscow coroner’s office reported his liver was recovered stowed away on a nuclear submarine trying to flee from the daily dousing of the clear and potent homebrew. The KGB has not yet filed charges against the body abandoning organ. It was last seen skewered with sippy straws and being surrounded by burly men sporting furry hats.

Read on

Let’s Go Jungle: The Final Nail In Arcade Gaming’s Casket

B Miggs on August 6th, 2008

Like Liza Minelli’s make-up artist, i’ve been sugar coating a rotting corpse for years. I’m too nostalgic to admit that arcade gaming is a dead venue for a once virtuous facet of entertainment. So it pains me to stumble into its blinking eulogy on a seemingly whimsical afternoon getaway to Point Pleasant, New Jersey. “Let’s Go Jungle” is Sega’s most recent attempt to make arcade gaming suicidal for ever existing. Who knew they had time left over after routinely murdering Sonic the Hedgehog? So what is this awkwardly titled, glitzy little pastel bang van, you ask? Nobody knows for sure, but I can’t help but assume it represents all that’s wrong with the world of video games. The promotional ad seems to suggest that Dakota Fanning and Steve-O willingly “jungle” into a jungle full of giant bullfrogs, deadly insects and PS1-era graphics in order to…I don’t fucking know. The arcades used to be a haven for bold new ideas that couldn’t be achieved on home consoles and I guess in that sense, “Let’s Go Jungle” succeeds. The difference, though, is that we actually wanted these games in our homes eventually. There were practically riots when Mortal Kombat came to Genesis. Now we’re left with Jeep-tent thematic monstrosities that don’t know what they want to be, where they are, or why they even exist. Let’s Go Funeral.

Read on