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Archive for the " Ask The Minus World " Category
Dear Chiz,
We’re pretty sure that your dad has a drug problem, or should we say had when he named you. If Dad hasn’t told you that “Mommy lives in the arctic with the polar bears,” you should probably ask Mom to take you tricher treeting this Halloween. Our advice is to study really fucking hard in school, because it’s only going to be harder for you as you age. What we’re going to say next might startle some of our readers, but Chiz, you should probably tell Dad to put down the NES controller and the patchouli oil and pick up a classified section of the local newspaper and find a fucking job.
Yours truly,
The Minus World
(failure bolded for emphasis)
So you think you can write? Are you funny? Good at video games? Have any hot older sisters? Well then, the Minus World wants to see your goods. No, not those goods you sick f*ck. Contact us at info@the-minusworld.com and send in your best article pitch or writing submission and we’ll give you a shot at stardom. And hey, you wacky, shamelessly alcoholic photoshoppers: don’t hesitate to do the same! Just remember the “no dicks all over everything” rule and you’re good to go.
Today’s letter was found wet with piss(?) and nailed to the front gate of our corporate offices and frankly, we don’t know what to think of it. PacMan doesn’t have braces, nor does he sleep, so making any sense of this insane shit is a path down hopeless terrace on the corner of mostly disturbed that you have our address boulevard. Thanks! Whoever you are, you write like Ralph Steadman teaching Michael J Fox how to tell secrets on an Etch A Sketch. Take a shower and reevaluate your life.
- the minus world
Oh goodie! It’s mailbag time here at the-minusworld.com and this week’s edition is extra special. It’s all about Mega Man! How can you kids possibly fuck up asking questions about Mega Man?
Hey Tedwin (seriously? the fuck kind of name is that?)
Your first problem, aside from writing like you were raised by eagles, is that Crystalvania 3 isn’t actually a game. Therefore we have no idea what you borrowed from your friend Tommy but its pretty clear that his apparent physical handicaps haven’t stopped him from mentally overpowering your dumb ass. So if there is any form of a “question” you’re asking us in that deformed page full of failure, the answer is “you are retarded.”
We forwarded your letter to Tommy and even received a response from him…
Babycakes, we’re sorry, we lost our phone and we couldn’t get back to you. Plus we’ve been busy. Look, honestly, we like you and all but you aren’t the only hot chick out there who wants to date a video game comedy website. Our RSS subscriber list looks like a modeling agency on “hot girls only allowed” day. I mean, just today we got 5 emails from these German girls talking about “scheizer” or something and how they can make us hard for up to 36 hours. We even got letters from a rich Saudi prince who is promising to give us a bunch of money! So many women visit us every day and rub their mouse pointers over and over on our navbars, how can you expect us to just stay tied down to one? It’s not you baby, it’s us. We’re just not ready for a relationship right now. So run along and don’t get all crazy and stuff on us and send us death threats and egg our blogging software. F*cking psycho!
We receive lots of crazy fan mail here at the-minusworld.com but none have been as dedicated as Youtube superstar Doomguy2000. Doomguy loved our Super Cock Fight Brawl video so much that he made a 9 and a half minute video response to it, detailing his top tiered fighters and favorite gameplay modes! Sure it’s long, but it’s only paving the way for the inevitable day when packed lecture halls are discussing the artistic merits of Ole Grandfather Cock’s flying top hat. James Lipton here we come! Check out Doomguy’s video here:
Thanks Doomguy! To honor your lengthy tribute to our cocks, we rounded up the whole roster and got them all to autograph a personalized picture for you after the break! Enjoy!
Dearest Franklin,
We find you letter incredibly offensive. What is the deal with that hand writing of yours? It’s really quite poor. You should practice on some nice lined paper when you get a chance, it’s very helpful! Have you tried writing in cursive yet? You may find that the flow of the ink as your pen glides over the paper can be a relaxing and almost melodic compliment to your diction. Or if you simply aren’t cut out for the art of the written word, you can always pick up a nice type writer and get cracking on that sassy who-dunnit you’ve been kicking around in that witty head of yours for the last few years. A great place to be inspired is a nice local diner where the coffee pot stays on the table the whole time and the waitress has her hair in a bun. Just hammer away at those keys and make your dreams come true!
P.S. Your bed is wet because we took turns pissing on it, sucka!
Read on
Hey Chico,
Thanks for checking the site and sending us your drawing!
Frankly, we’re amazed at the attention to detail you guys put into this costume. The high heel boots n’ spurs, the hairy shoulders…you even figured out a way to sew buttons into your actual skin, just like the real Link! I mean he does that all the time when he’s riding horseback on his way to a MENTAL INSTITUTION, YOU INSANE FUCK?!?!
We here at the Minus World Headquarters had a 45 minute debate as to whether or not the drawing had breasts or see-through pockets with tic-tacs inside them. Then we repeatedly gouged our own eyes until DYFS showed up and found your letter. There are probably far better ways we could’ve handled this situation but our current stability levels (which are floating around “hopelessly paranoid and misanthropic” thanks to this letter) kept us from doing things any smoother. Now the tears only climb back in when we cry. Merry Christmas, Chico!
Read on
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More: Ask The Minus World, fan art, link, rule 34
Today’s letter comes to us from Billiam Whistles in Cetaphil, Florida…
Dear Billiam,
Dude…did you seriously draw a picture of Donkey Kong with a penis and mail it to us?? And what the fuck is that stain? You’re completely deranged. Your town isn’t even real, that’s the name of a moisturizing lotion you maniac. God I hate my fucking job.
We’re mailing out your “Nintendos” ASAP, by the way. They’re broken. Enjoy!
- the minus world
