Cheat Codez: How To Hire A Robot To Forcibly Drag Your Parents Away From The Television

agent b on May 22nd, 2008

Hey kids! Do your parents waste away their lives melting in front of a television, slowly sinking into the couch as their rapid neglect for your upbringing parallels their increasing knowledge of how many twirls Mario Lopez did last night on Dancing With The Stars? Then buy them BOB, you dumb yatch! BOB was originally invented to keep you, the ruckus bringing youth of today, from enjoying too much television in a single time period. You see, at some point your parents decided that nothing they could do or say would stop you from watching TV so a friendly box top robot was created to succeed where they failed: parenting and discipline. What does BOB do? He monitors your hours spent with anything that has a screen and promptly shuts it down after you’ve spent what your worthless parental units deem “too much time.”

Well that’s nice and all, but your parents are actually consuming more media than you are these days so aren’t they the ones that need the policing? After all, they’re so inept at raising you that they hired a robotic replacement so maybe it’s time to do the same for them. Scrounge up some couch change, hustle some Pokemon cards and purchase BOB for your parents television. Set it to shut off during any of the 47 minute time out breaks during your average NFL game or right before Eva Longoria announces what STD she has this week on Desperate Housewives. With less TV to compete with, you’ll win back their attention in no time. Then maybe they can actually get back to doing what they should’ve been doing the whole time: raising you themselves.

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Cheat Codez: How To Make Your Child Violent Without The Use Of Violent Video Games

agent b on May 7th, 2008

Today’s Cheat Code comes courtesy of jezuzfreek777 (a web handle that proves that hypnotized religious worship and bad spelling can have a gay marriage on a commercial airplane)

Parents just don’t understand Grand Theft Auto IV. Statistically, though, things tend to get a bit obfuscated when said parents believe humanity began in a magical garden with a talking snake who lurked in a tree of forbidden knowledge. If Dad isn’t able to tell the difference between reality and a book of fictional stories, maybe he fears Junior will find similar blind guidance in other forms of fictional media, i.e video games. Nevermind that religion has historically been the most violent thing in the history of our species, and that GTA IV’s protagonist pistol whipping a hooker is a mere blip on the radar next to the Crusades, David Koresh, and God himelf smiting/flooding the earth (as depicted in that ancient storybook.) But we’ll spare jezuzfreek777 the factual history lesson today and get to the real meaty stuff…

Remember when you brought your first girlfriend home (who am I kidding, this is a video game comedy site, just pretend with me here) and your parents did or said something that was infuriatingly embarrassing? Or remember when you were a kid and your parents wouldn’t let you stay up late or watch Sir Mix-a-lot videos on MTV? Be happy that those little moments of misery were tackled internally, within the confines of your household. You know, instead of being broadcasted on fucking Youtube for 80,000 people to point and laugh at. I’m sure the notion of jezuzfreek’s son not being able to play an M-rated game pales in comparison to the years of abuse he’ll get from his peers for having such a dickhead, webevangelist of a father publicizing his entire upbringing. If this kid wasn’t harboring any suicidal tendencies, paternal murder plans or brewing a full on maniacal killing spree, he is now.

So congrats on turning your child into a permanently damaged, self loathing social trainwreck who can’t go out in public without being bombarded by ridicule. Hope it was worth the Youtube “stardom.” Grand Theft Auto IV is available in stores now. And it’s pretty fucking awesome. So is science.

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