Psych Ward: Contra Soldier’s Shell Shock

B Miggs on August 13th, 2008

Minus World Psych Ward: August 12, 2008

Case File: MW-081208-01

Subjects Name(s): Bill “Mad Dog” Rizer & Lance “Scorpion” Bean

Findings: Patients Rizer and Bean are currently under our care, as per the authorities request, in the aftermath of subjects releasing a spray of bullets in Time Square, NYC that left dozens dead instantly.

Subjects clearly exhibit anti-social tendencies and complain of seeing visions of “aliens” which could suggest classic symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. However, initial diagnosis is hampered by the fact that, upon investigating military records, subjects did not show up as enrolled servicemen in any U.S. military engagement. When the attending physician confronted them with this fact, both subjects explained they had been involved in a “war against giant fucking aliens in an undisclosed location in Central America.” Moreover, both subjects adamantly profess an unparalleled proficiency in “every friggin gun you can imagine…and even lasers man!”

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Uh, What The Hell Just Happened?

Life Force Pilots on May 1st, 2008

By Life Force Pilots

Seriously, WTF was that??? I’m never going on a vaguely titled “space mission to save the planet” again. We were in space for what, 5 whole minutes? After that I’m pretty sure we entered a human body or something? I just remember fighting a giant brain with arms that shot lasers. Were those Easter Island statue heads that were trying to murder us? I think i’m getting flashbacks of suicidal fire eagles? That was like the boat tunnel scene in Willy Wonka except it lasted six days and instead of chocolate we won an absolute guarantee that we’ll be spending the rest of our lives in therapy. I think there’s stomach acid in my mind. Nobody is even gonna remember whatever the hell we just went through. At least the Contra guys are gonna be famous. They might even get a bunch of sequels, even though their dumb code was in our game before theirs! We quit, Konami. Find a new set of space chimps to do your deranged biddings.

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