Psych Ward: Contra Soldier’s Shell Shock

B Miggs on August 13th, 2008

Minus World Psych Ward: August 12, 2008

Case File: MW-081208-01

Subjects Name(s): Bill “Mad Dog” Rizer & Lance “Scorpion” Bean

Findings: Patients Rizer and Bean are currently under our care, as per the authorities request, in the aftermath of subjects releasing a spray of bullets in Time Square, NYC that left dozens dead instantly.

Subjects clearly exhibit anti-social tendencies and complain of seeing visions of “aliens” which could suggest classic symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. However, initial diagnosis is hampered by the fact that, upon investigating military records, subjects did not show up as enrolled servicemen in any U.S. military engagement. When the attending physician confronted them with this fact, both subjects explained they had been involved in a “war against giant fucking aliens in an undisclosed location in Central America.” Moreover, both subjects adamantly profess an unparalleled proficiency in “every friggin gun you can imagine…and even lasers man!”

Read on

Contra Code Also Code For President’s Luggage

B Miggs on April 2nd, 2008

Vacation Station: Tree Fort n’ Mini Golf Palace, Florida - In between rounds of some good ol’ country gaming and being the biggest, most reckless fuck up in the history of humanity, the President revealed today that the secret password to his luggage locks is actually the classic Konami code made famous by the game “Contra.” The President (who grinned wildly despite being the unknowing harbinger of a soon-to-be post-apocalyptic planet littered with deformities and nuclear aftermath brought on by his own idiocy) spoke fondly of his time spent playing Contra. “It’s just like when me and Jeb used to tassle with marmots down in the crick, ‘cept you’re battlin’ space queers instead, he he he.” How cute! He then vowed to light our nation’s treasury on fire, bury India in cow entrails and wage war against butterflies.

When asked to comment, future President and, let’s be honest here, our planet’s last hope Barack Obama stated “The Contra code? That shit is for pussies. I beat that game with one life.”
Read on