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In a bizarre turn of events, video game savant and cult personality Billy Mitchell has reportedly taken a hostage in his hometown of Hollywood, Florida. According to early reports, Mitchell was seen at a local video arcade, where he began ranting about “honor and respect” after jamming his finger on the Centipede trackball several times in a row while trying to set yet another world record. Mitchell snapped, exiting the arcade in a cloud of stray mullet hairs and driving to the construction site of his new multi-story Mega-Rickey’s Restaurant. He then grabbed his assistant Kaylee around the waist and ascended into the construction site, where he has begun to make a series of increasingly implausible demands.
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More: Kent, donkey kong, mario
Kong Country, San Diego Zoo - The bananas were ripe but somber today as longtime Kongfather, Donkey Kong, announced his retirement from adventuring this afternoon to a gathering of media and gaming figures. Both friends and former enemies were in attendance, including Mario Mario, Shigeru Miyamoto, and Donkey’s longtime media assistant and girlfriend, Pauline.
Pauline was on hand to provide emotional support as well as translate Donkey’s grunts and fecal slinging. “Donkey would like to thank you all for coming out today, he is touched by your- please baby, not in public, that smells- he is touched by your compassion and support.”
Donkey stated that he has found all the bananas he will ever need, and wants to retire while at the top of his game. “While he feels like he could keep doing this forever, he wants to quit while he’s still fondly remembered, instead of creating board game spin-offs and half-baked sequels.”
Pauline was interrupted at this point when a red shell shattered against the wall behind Donkey. No one stepped up as the aggressor, but Mario Mario was spotted leaving the event later with feces and banana peels all over his overalls.
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More: Sean Curry, donkey kong, nintendo
Today’s letter comes to us from Billiam Whistles in Cetaphil, Florida…
Dear Billiam,
Dude…did you seriously draw a picture of Donkey Kong with a penis and mail it to us?? And what the fuck is that stain? You’re completely deranged. Your town isn’t even real, that’s the name of a moisturizing lotion you maniac. God I hate my fucking job.
We’re mailing out your “Nintendos” ASAP, by the way. They’re broken. Enjoy!
- the minus world
