Andrew O.
Katimusha
ciso
B Miggs
The guy.Archive for the " drunk " Category
Looks like someone has been hitting the Falcon Puuuunch a little bit too much lately while cruising around the streets of Mute City. This ex-cop turned local nuisance never realized that the city’s traffic cam caught his daring escape from the Blue Falcon. Losing all power, his engine exploded after driving along the side of the track for over a minute. “I finally had a reason to use my 2mb picture phone!” witnesses reclaim. Captured and arrested on a speed pad, the Captain should have gone down with the ship. He should know that the last time he brought Colt 45 to the party everyone talked shit behind his back. Samurai Goroh scoffed at him at the last after-race party because he always brings Sopporos and Junmai Daiginjo-shu Sake, while Pico brings Wild Turkey and Grey Goose (don’t ask.) All in all it was a pretty embarrassing moment for his publicist to explain to us. Don’t worry about it Captain, you got off pretty easy. You could always get ripped on the Colt over at my house and ramble about the seedy underbelly of Port Town. I’ll bill the cost of the cab to the company because we all know you’re not drivin’ for the next 6 months.
Artwork by Tyler Bronis
#5 - You Can’t See Sh*t
Beneath the pixelated hazy residue of last night’s marathon gaming session and the fact that blinding sunlight is piercing through your front windshield, operating a moving vehicle is hazardous and dangerous to the motivated, non gaming members of society surrounding you. They’re wearing suits and careening sleepily towards monuments of a collective progressive society. You’re just driving directly into the sun and gambling away the lives of both you and your ‘88 Chevy Cavalier.
Looks like there was a little more than Cherry Coke in that flask of his! Soda Popinski drove right through the rails on his way back from a pounding his gloves down at the bar - talk about punch drunk! But wait till you see what Vodka Drunkinski did next!
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More: T-MW, drivin' radical, drunk, punch-out
(yes, this is actual, completely real video game box art)
When Majesco announced their latest offering to the world of Nintendo DS shovelware, we couldn’t help but get excited. A game about being an air traffic controller starring a self proclaimed air traffic controller? Well, fuck, sign us up! We immediately ran to the dollar store and purchased it. We’re happy to report that it seems our single sold copy has helped Majesco recoup all of the losses incurred in developing the title and as a result, we’ll be seeing lots of sequels in the not too distant future. But what could they possibly have in store for us? Read on for a minus world exclusive first look!
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More: drivin' radical, drunk, ds
Hey true believers!
We just had our biggest weekend ever so we celebrated by drinking profoundly and crank calling infomercial customer service lines till 7 A.M. This makes legitimately working today basically impossible, so here’s a wacky Photoshop to tide you over until we wash the sins off our lives and apologize to your sister. Enjoy!
IGN’s negative nancy review of Free Radical’s futuristic FPS Haze comes as a downer for PS3 fans who once heralded this (timed?) exclusive as a reason to purchase a console this year. With all the money and development time that went into the game, isn’t a 4.5 a little harsh? These are the Time Spliitters guys after all, it can’t be that bad. So why does Haze get shat on from such great heights? Money hats, or the lack of them being tossed in IGN’s direction. That’s right, not every company can just pony up cash and secure a week’s worth of entire site wrapping ad space culminating in a 10/10 review…you’ve gotta pass the IGN fraternity hazing trials first!
So best of luck to Free Radical’s future en devours and lets hope that your freshman fifteen isn’t mostly comprised of paddle wounds, goat’s milk and circle jerked crackers passed down from super seniors. We’re rooting for you!
Before I begin, I’d like to let you know that I’ve gotten laid by using Xbox Live a record of 23 times in the last 3 months (achievement unlocked) and I’m here to show you the secrets Microsoft doesn’t want you to know. I could just be saying that, and I could just be making this up, but can you afford to pass this up? If your hand is as cramped as mine was before I bought a Gold Live membership, well then NO YOU CAN’T!!!
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More: XBL, drunk, girlfriend, xbox360
This game completely changed my life. I went from smashing out store front windows, random people’s faces, binge drinking through life and throwing up on people’s couches, to just being drunk and hilarious. How? Donkey Konga, that’s how, you dumb yatch. The object of the game is to completely smash the shit out of some giant plastic bongos and if you happen to do it in rhythm, you win. I’m dead serious. You just sit there hitting shit. That’s it. In fact, you’re allowed and encouraged to do so. It’s like heaven wrapped itself in Nintendo packaging and brought itself to my doorstep.
I think every bar in the land should have this game. Get people all cranked up on Sparks or Red Bull vodkas and let them take all their pent up aggression out on inanimate objects instead of each other. Donkey Konga is good for people from all walks of life. Frat boys, abuse victims turned porn stars, your white trash grandfather that’s a little itchy with the switch, and anyone who’s ever felt oppressed or frustrated for whatever excuse they have for being a shitty person this week. Buy it instead of spending money on tissue boxes, doilies and sending flowers to yourself. I highly recommend and will also school your ass in said game.
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More: Review, chum bucket, drunk, racism, vanilla face
I shouldn’t have done that eighth round of Jager.
It always seems like a great idea until I wake up in a strange place hugging a stray cat and using hard plastic game boxes as pillows. My first play through of TLoZ:PSM (DS) left me shaking and irritated, which isn’t something I can really blame on the game, per say. It’s because I’m an alcoholic. Anywhoo, the game is fucking cool, especially when you’re playing it in a taxi at 9AM with one hand holding the stylus and the other covering your eye so you don’t puke. It’s your run of the mill rupee-fest where some shifty pirate prick takes all the credit for your hard work (like when somebody snatches your barfly after you’ve spent the whole night getting her liquored up.) This guy is a bit more deranged in the sense that he’s constantly filling your character with L.I.T.’s even though you don’t look a day over 8 years old. When the screen gets blurry just as you’re sinking your anchor to grab some needless ship part, you’ll want to snap the neck off of your Heineken and jab it into anything with a pulse.
Conclusion: Gametastic! Mosty because it turns the DS microphone into a breathalizer where you have to blow a 0.2 BAC just to access your save file. The “avoid getting seasick” mini games were a challenge, although i’m not even sure if they really existed or not.
Fuck it, last night was a business write-off anyway. Read on
