Ya Right
Toe Fu
FPCreator2000
The Retroist
Frank
Toastmaster
Archive for the " EA " Category
In a police state where no whisper goes unheard and no knowing glance goes unwatched, drug trafficking must take to daring new heights in this year’s The Matrix meets Tony Montana thriller: Mirror’s Edge. Forced out of swank, club bathrooms and on to roof tops, you’ll need to blow just the right amount of cocaine to get your heart beating fast enough to jump off a building and impale yourself on a security fence. Do the wrong amount of cocaine and you’ll be high-fiving Chris Farley on a cloud.
3 Comments [+] 
Digg 
Del.icio.us 
Technorati 
StumbleUpon
More: EA, Mirror's Edge, jasper
Philanthropy at its finest, marching for marketing, or hungry for humanity, Nintendo has taken an active role in the community over the years. Whether it was giving Wii’s to Children’s Hospitals, Giving DSs To Underprivileged Kids, or Passing out Wario’s Flatulation to Los Angelites, they’ve done a great job of giving back. Pressure on their odd lack of competition peers has lead to some good things, some bad things, and some shit that I would just plain shed a single tear for if I ever saw.
Leave a Comment [+] Digg Del.icio.us Technorati StumbleUpon
More: B Miggs, Capcom, EA, activision, lucas arts, microsoft, nintendo, rockstar, silicon knights, sony, valve
Yeah you read that right. Read it again if you have to. Let that shit sink the fuck in. Take Two, we’re coming for you. EA Games tried and utterly failed in acquiring your coveted goods so I guess the job is being left up to real men like us. We expected them to be fresh off their Grand Theft Auto IV bajillionaire yacht tour, passed out drunk, and easily manipulatable into a dirty business position. What we didn’t expect was that they’d be hiding out…
Dozens of fans were left disappointed last night as they waited in line for the release of this year’s only legally allowable football game, Madden 2009. Many were promised new additions and overhauls in the annual line but ended up just getting more of the same. Some even wondered why they blindly wait every year when the line is in no rush to advance past what it was a year before. However, EA’s president (who takes his wife to the same Crab N’ Clam Hutch for dinner every Friday) has pointed out that there are a few improvements for 2009’s line:
The lovable gang from last year’s hit game MySims is about to get a whole lot sexier. MyS&Ms: Flesh Kingdom, a ground-breaking collaboration between EA and eccentric filmmaker John Waters (made possible due to a good word from Steven Spielberg after his work with EA on the commercial dud Boom Blox), is set to nipple twist the competition and make Animal Crossing its bitch. MyS&Ms will proudly and unapologetically sully Nintendo’s focus on good clean gaming fun. The Create-a-Sim mode will provide myriad options for the discerning fetishist, allowing for a throbbingly huge variety of characters. Want to live out your wildest Pulp Fiction gimp fantasies? Always wished you could walk a mile in the stiletto heels of a dominatrix? Or perhaps you just want to make a cyber facsimile of that leather-clad biker guy from the Village People. MyS&Ms will let you do it, and more.
Boom Blox - Rest In Peace, Homie
It seems the latest victim in the average Wii owner’s never ending quest to ignore 3rd party titles is the well received “Boom Blox” from Steven Spielberg and EA. While being $20 too expensive (it retailed at full price) was certainly an issue, it didn’t help that the game was basically sent to die, seeing release between Mario Kart Wii and Grand Theft Auto IV. Boom Blox sold 60k copies in its first month, which is fucking pathetic given the names behind it. Then again, it’s a glorified Jenga with worse art direction. What’d they expect?
2 Comments [+] Digg Del.icio.us Technorati StumbleUpon
More: EA, agent b, pour out some liquor
Maitland, Florida - Fearing imminent heart failure, butter cancer or self induced cannibalism, EA has placed football legend John Madden on 24 hour, fully recorded supervision. Madden, who is also known for taking out his fear of flying on small birds by stuffing them into each other, helped make EA a shitload of money by agreeing to be the iconic face and voice of their annual NFL game that mostly idiots play. Since his disgusting dietary habits could prove fatal, EA is taking no chances.
Leave a Comment [+] Digg Del.icio.us Technorati StumbleUpon
More: EA, Headlines, John Madden, agent b, comic, explosions
Dear General Public,
With the recent release of Steven Spielberg’s Boom Blox, is there anything that EA can’t absorb? Steven Spielberg wins new shiny thing from Electronic Arts and another name (Madden, James Bond Games, Etc.) has fallen to the hordes of Mongorians. What’s next, James Cameron’s Trickle Dix? They’re trying to destroy the walls of our inner sanctum of quality with “think outside the box” games and the mere thought of feeling challenged mentally makes me feel mentally challenged. The hell with this guy. He’s another name that has turned commodity, and another strong arm with a bludgeoning device to strike the very bricks of our sanctuary. Seems like EA is trying to take over everything right now. I wonder if they have any relation to Walmart. Or, better yet Walmart comes out of nowhere with their Moon-sized brass balls of power and snatches up EA in a nanosecond. Then Martin Scorsese makes a video game about it called Rockin’ Cox. That’d teach these dumb bastards the simple, and often overlooked point; that small businesses increase competition. Without competition there’s no quality. There’s only racks of tube socks made by little kids overseas. As much as I want to play Boom Blox because somebody paid for it to get excellent reviews, this isn’t a review site. Now if you excuse me, I have to go test out Oliver Stone’s Walls ‘O Balls.
Sincerely, B Miggs
My thoughts on Burnout: Driving Stoned are similar to my thoughts on actually driving in another state I know nothing about with no map: I hate it. Although the buildings are few and far between, visually they are the most impressive part of the game. The modeling of the Mcdonalds Drive-Thru’s, Best Buys, and the woods behind the highschool are all top notch, i think.
Burnout: Driving Stoned begins with you assuming the role of some lost soul hippie dad looking dude with the keys to some beat up wreck that doesn’t go over 50 mph. You drive aimlessly through what appears to be leftover “Easy Rider” backdrops but instead of finding the true meaning of America you just end up buying fucking fries on a fast food menu. The second mission is to pick up the kids at school and take them home (which would be a simple task for a sober driver) but with no radar, map or compass directing you where to go, it’s basically impossible. Make sure you switch to 3rd person view of your vehicle because the constant smoke clouds don’t block your sight as much. It took me 4 hours to finally complete the mission, mostly since my character forgot where he parked his car yet was somehow completely capable of making up wild, fictitious names for every strain of weed he encountered in the game.
The included recipes for ganja goo balls and how to roll a joint using bible paper can’t even save this mess. Plus the weed in the game has mad seeds in that shit.
4 Comments [+] Digg Del.icio.us Technorati StumbleUpon
More: B Miggs, EA, criterion games, images, stoned, weed, xbox360
EA has just announced an all-new Xbox 360 exclusive for this winter, Sims Girlfriend! Pwned PS3! Pwned in the ass! Sims Girlfriend supposedly will include exciting new features like real time nail polish and makeup removal. EA also claims there will be a way to “sync up” with her time of the month. God, I pray it doesn’t sync up using the Live Vision Camera… Personally, I already have a girlfriend who leaves me broke andfeeling like crap. Kinda like every EA game I buy. This holiday season can’t come soon enough!
Read on
1 Comment [+] Digg Del.icio.us Technorati StumbleUpon
More: EA, Headlines, balls in purse, jasper, sims
