Guess Who’s Never Parking Their Car In “Final Fight” Again?

Metro City Citizen on April 29th, 2008

By Metro City Citizen

Me.

So it’s a breezy Saturday afternoon and my wife decides to send me to run some errands on the other side of town. No biggie, my new car drives like a dream and I love the feel of the open road on a beautiful day. The warm sun splashes my face as I cruise along, listening to my Best of John Tesh cassette and taking in the sights. Minutes later, I realize i’m a bit lost so I stop at this seemingly trustworthy gas station and go inside to ask for directions. I recognize the attendant from my high school so we play catch-up for a few and he gets me back on the right track. Everything is Rico Suave until I step outside and find THE MAYOR I VOTED FOR shirtless in overalls holding a LEAD PIPE and standing over the demolished ruins of MY NEW CAR. YUP, he completely destroyed it. No reasoning, no remorse, just total savage violence, bestowed brutally on the frame of my chrome plated goddess of the roads. I was shocked, appalled. So I did what any man would do. I dropped to my knees, clenched my gut and folded onto the street as I proclaimed “Oh! My car!” Prick mayor Haggar stood over the scene lifeless, as if it meant nothing to him. Then he just walked away and ate a whole roast chicken off the ground.

Being car-less, I’ve since been mugged on the subway almost twice a week and hit by 3 lunatic cabs while crossing the streets of this hellhole of a city. Haggar, you son of a bitch, I am NEVER voting for you again. Neither is everyone on my fantasy baseball team. I hope your daughter gets kidnapped every day. Just wait till I get my hands on your car, you Geraldo on steroids looking Neanderthal. And hey, mark my words, you’re dead, you Double Dragon dickfaces! don’t blame your man muscle touchings on MY city, ladypants. I’m married!

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