Senator McCain: “100 Years” Possible in Ongoing Geometry War

WiNG on August 27th, 2008

At a town hall meeting Tuesday evening in Preville, MD, U.S. Senator and presumed Republican presidential candidate John McCain tread on thin ice after stating that American operations in the Geometry Wars “could continue well into the twenty-second century.” Answering a question from a local homemaker about her son’s extended deployment deep into two-dimensional space, McCain noted, “Despite critics’ objections that the so-called Second Geometry War is un-winnable, signs of progress are prevalent.” He cited new strategy options and “up to four simultaneously deployed vehicles” as potential advantages for U.S. forces.

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Nintendo, I Love You, But You’re Bringing Me Down

Toe Fu on August 26th, 2008

Remember Kanye West went on that televised Hurricane Katrina fundraiser, carefully crafted his thoughts and then eloquently stated that George Bush doesn’t care about black people? Then Mike Meyers went all cross-eyed and opened a lemonade stand in his pants…. priceless. After looking over Nintendo’s holiday season lineup I wouldn’t be surprised to see Lil’ Wayne at a Bernie Mac memorial declaring that Shigeru Miyamoto doesn’t care about hardcore gamers.
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Balloon Fight Pilots Found Selling Nitrous Oxide At Grateful Dead Shows

B Miggs on August 25th, 2008

Who knew these carnies would concoct a cover so clever? Answer: The Minus World. To all those balloon pilots out there you are officially on high alert. After some research into the back story of these unnamed aerial bandits as to what exactly funded the development of a game based on battling balloons, I found this single image. Proof, at long last, of the secret behind the legend.

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Dateline Cabela’s: To Catch A Predator

Toe Fu on August 21st, 2008

In a union of unholy evil empire proportions Activision & NBC have come together to deliver a series of what-comes-after-next-gen-next generation gameplay experiences. The first release will star America’s favorite uber boner killer Chris Hanson in Dateline Cabelas-To Catch a Predator. Players are required to use their superfulous mastery of teh world wide interweb tubes to infilitrate chat rooms and lure unsuspecting overly amorous furry flesh munchers to exotic locales to confront the beast on their predatory intentions.
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Harmonix Announces “Rock Band: Sax Out”

Kent on August 20th, 2008

PRESS RELEASE:

“Hey Billy, come on over! We’re playing Rock Band?”
“Aw, man! I have orchestra today…”

Do you feel left out at your friends’ Rock Band parties? Do you have a love of reed instruments? Do you idolize St. Elmo’s Fire era Rob Lowe? Well now it’s time for you to plug in, turn on and sax out! Hop on the Rock Band-wagon with Rock Band: 80s Sax Solo Expansion Pak!* Jam out the way the Rock Gods intended - on a woodwind! Impress your friends and loved ones with searing solos on such tracks as:

Billy Joel- Still Rock and Roll to Me
Men At Work- Who Can It Be Now?
George Thorogood- Bad to the Bone
Rick James- Super Freak

Duran Duran- Rio

Bruce Springsteen- Dancing in the Dark
Billy Ocean- Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car

But Wait, There’s More!

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Animal Crossing Tragedy Exposed

Toe Fu on August 18th, 2008

Police Officer Copper announced today the arrest of town proprietor Tom Nook in an alleged organ harvesting ring. Copper and his second in command Officer Booker conducted an investigation into the constant disappearance of local residents after receiving a tip that postmaster Pete the Pelican has been delivering parcels of putrid pounds of animal body parts to various locations in China.
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Shia Lebeouf Cast In Zelda Movie

jasper on August 17th, 2008

Artwork by Alex ab Barrera

Not to let a drunk driving accident slow him down, Shia Lebeouf has been cast as Link in the lead roll for the upcoming Zelda movie. Clearly a pact with the devil was struck, as the annoying actor is seemingly required to star in every major motion picture you ever wished you could star in as a kid. I mean, I was in my backyard with my friends helping the Autobots fight the Decepticons on a cast-iron swing set before this turd was even alive. And much like myself at age 6, he just doesn’t know when to shut the fuck up. I guess the producers of the upcoming blockbuster feel the same way and giving him the role of the green-tuniced mute elf is good old fashioned payback. However, word on the street is that he plays a mean ass ocarina, so his penchant for piping off has paid off.

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The Minus World Presents: The Gamers’ Olympics

the -minus world on August 15th, 2008

Like you, every four years we turn on the television and are momentarily confused at seeing some random 5′4″ fellow sporting a full-blown uni-brow from an unpronounceable eastern European country jumping around on a gym mat. Then we remember that this can mean only one thing…Gold Bond your tights, kids - it’s time for the Olympics! Keeping in spirit with the 2008 Olympic games in Beijing going on right now, we here at the The Minus World urge all of you to honor the great athletes (lol) that compete in the events of the oft-overlooked Gamers’ Olympics.

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Bill Gates’ New Summer Mansion Exposed!

Massouken on August 14th, 2008

Minus World spies (i.e. our new interns posing as cleaning people) have recently discovered Bill Gates’ newest summer mansion, dubbed Ring Red. This beautiful Spanish-inspired villa sits on 360 acres of farmland within the vast Washington countryside. In light of Microsoft’s recent console problems, the design of this multi-million dollar home may seem a bit inconsiderate. But rest assured that even Gates has felt the pinch after collectively donkey punching hundreds of thousands of consumers. He was forced to cut an airstrip from the original blueprint, as well as the purchase of (another) private jet. That’s a lot worse than being without your shiny TV game box and game tapes for 6 to 8 weeks.

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Psych Ward: Contra Soldier’s Shell Shock

B Miggs on August 13th, 2008

Minus World Psych Ward: August 12, 2008

Case File: MW-081208-01

Subjects Name(s): Bill “Mad Dog” Rizer & Lance “Scorpion” Bean

Findings: Patients Rizer and Bean are currently under our care, as per the authorities request, in the aftermath of subjects releasing a spray of bullets in Time Square, NYC that left dozens dead instantly.

Subjects clearly exhibit anti-social tendencies and complain of seeing visions of “aliens” which could suggest classic symptoms of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. However, initial diagnosis is hampered by the fact that, upon investigating military records, subjects did not show up as enrolled servicemen in any U.S. military engagement. When the attending physician confronted them with this fact, both subjects explained they had been involved in a “war against giant fucking aliens in an undisclosed location in Central America.” Moreover, both subjects adamantly profess an unparalleled proficiency in “every friggin gun you can imagine…and even lasers man!”

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