Ya Right
Toe Fu
FPCreator2000
The Retroist
Frank
Toastmaster
Archive for the " Headlines " Category
In an act of sympathy for the dynamically challenged duo, Nintendo has introduced female companions that could accompany them to mushroom hell. Famed creator Shigeru Miyamoto dug deep into the bowels of his sickest dream and conceived Deach and Paisy in an effort to boost the repulsive pair’s diminishing egos. The gruesome girls are in love with the guys’ plan to corrupt the Mushroom Kingdom, and they don’t even mind the occasional fart. When asked to comment, Miyamoto rambled, “I have a garden filled with Pikmin plants in my backyard!” Thanks for the info you golden Nintendo God, but next time we’ll just ask Reggie.
Judah Friedlander rules. Sporting his signature customized hats, super-sized corrective lenses, and deadpan delivery, this comedian always comes correct. Judah can not only be spotted in major film roles like American Splendor, Zoolander, Meet Dave, and Date Movie, but also in quality t.v. shows including Curb Your Enthusiasm, Flight of the Conchords, and cult favorite Wonder Showzen. He can also be seen dropping farcible quips on pop culture in Best Week Ever and also on one of the last remaining survivors of the genuinely funny sitcom, 30 Rock. Oh, and do yourself a solid and check out his stand up when he’s in your area. Judah was kind enough to take the time to answer some questions for us and chat about some retro gaming.
Trouble getting that Provisional License? Angry judge throw the book at you for going 90 in a school zone…again? Old age making it tough to remember which side of the road to drive on? Fret not, distressed drivers - the F-Zero Driving School is here to help!
As if dodging enemy projectiles, leaping over bottomless pits, and having to rescue their girlfriends ever year wasn’t enough shit to deal with, video game character apparently get spam emails too. Because the laws of the video games vary wildly between each game world, no programmer has been able to code a universally functional anti-spam client. Saving the world gets a little more difficult when you have to stop and delete all the garbage that gets forwarded to your Blackberry mid-warp zone. Our heart goes out to you guys, and remember, the minus world will never ask for your personal credit card account information. Unless of course you pass out at the bar and try and stick us with the whole bill. Then it’s on like Donkey Kong
Read on
Dear Chiz,
We’re pretty sure that your dad has a drug problem, or should we say had when he named you. If Dad hasn’t told you that “Mommy lives in the arctic with the polar bears,” you should probably ask Mom to take you tricher treeting this Halloween. Our advice is to study really fucking hard in school, because it’s only going to be harder for you as you age. What we’re going to say next might startle some of our readers, but Chiz, you should probably tell Dad to put down the NES controller and the patchouli oil and pick up a classified section of the local newspaper and find a fucking job.
Yours truly,
The Minus World
During a fervent session of Punch Out, not-so-virile teen Kevin Keene was unwittingly sucked into his 12” Sears Roebuck brand television set and thrust into the Nintendo-themed world of Videoland. Quickly realizing the daily routine of female rejection and soiled Bugle Boys he endured in the real world didn’t apply in Videoland, he happily settled into his new environment. Freshly armed with a chic Power Pad belt buckle and Zapper light gun, he adopted the moniker Captain N and elevated his status to superstar in this new realm of licensed characters.
In a bold move to boost sales, the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince has recently been cast as the lead in the anticipated audible groan inducing Prince of Persia movie.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
Long ago in medieval Persia, a confusing Prince emerges from the ashes of a war torn city, topless, lusting for blood. He will have to use the Dagger of Time, seductive voice, and sexual ambivalence to defeat the evil homophobe and confusingly sleep with his interested wife. Cringe as the Prince must escape the emotionally uplifting yet nonsensical poisonous Purple Rain. Performing magic with a penis shaped guitar at the Super Bowl, Prince must save his own kingdom by reversing time back to when he was even relevant. With a little luck, and a lot of mascara, this Prince might have just what it takes to sell enough tickets to pay the intern’s gas stipend for coming in today and emailing you this press release.
Pre-order your tickets today you sexy mother f*cker.
Where do old video game characters go when their game is over? Thanks to a sizable endowment of gold coins from the perpetually young Mario Bros., the Fuzzy Mushroom Retirement Home and Nursing Facility has officially opened its doors to gaming heroes and villains alike. But don’t think this home for gaming’s geriatrics is simply a place for them to watch the last of their life bars drain or sit idly by and knit as their hit points reach zero. The Fuzzy Mushroom Retirement Home offers plenty of fun activities for its symbolic seniors.
Read on
Chigago, IL - Stars of the NES action game Double Dribble, Sidney Deane and Billy Hoyle, have made themselves a new home hustling on the streets of the windy city. It all turned very illegal very quickly once their Double Dribble royalties ran out. When asked about the seedy underbelly of back street hoops, Sidney Deane commented “Oh man, shut your anorexic malnutrition tapeworm-having overdose on Dick Gregory Bahamian diet-drinking ass up. Leave me alone!” Clearly the words of a man gone insane. We consulted his partner about their new “occupations” and his response was just as aggravated. “I’ll tell you what, why don’t we take all these bricks and build a shelter for the homeless, so maybe your mother will have a place to stay.”
Leave a Comment [+] 
Digg 
Del.icio.us 
Technorati 
StumbleUpon
More: B Miggs, Headlines, NES, pixel parodies
New York City - Just days before his controversial new gangsta rap record hit stores, Parappa The Rapper was fatally shot dead following an interview at the Hot 97 radio station. During the interview, Parappa boldly called out other fabled video game rap stars for their inability to stay relevant or move units. Most notably he labeled former rap duo Toejam and Earl “has-been bitches who ain’t made no paper since they was totin’ that plastic Menacer Gun shit in the 90’s.” He then went on to lash out at 50 Cent’s character model from the game Bulletproof, citing low Gamerankings scores as an indication of the rapper’s failed gaming career. Parappa’s words were short lived as he was immediately riddled with bullets upon exiting the building. His record label, however, seemed too enthusiastic about his death. “This is actually fucking awesome for us because now album sales numbers might actually exist,” a label rep said. “Dead emcees are always infinitely more marketable than live ones because they ain’t doin’ reality shows with midgets and all that bullshit.”
