Ya Right
Toe Fu
FPCreator2000
The Retroist
Frank
Toastmaster
Archive for the " jasper " Category
Ecco has finally thrown in the wet towel and called it quits. Tired of dealing with cryptic crystals and alien invasions, this mammal has decided to settle in where its safe. “I’d rather be pet by some drunken slobs than swim endlessly through Atlantis, stuck on jumps for half an hour that will forever haunt anyone old enough to remember that shit. I’m also sick of being cursed at by angry gamers who recently bought me on their Wii looking to satisfy their nostalgia only to put their classic controller through a piece of drywall in disgust” reports Ecco’s well dressed translator. “Why couldn’t I have been that dolphin on seaQuest, or those 2 pricks in Life Aquatic, or a fucking cartoon. Seriously, anything is fucking better than this!” his interpreter explains. “And while you’re at it, why don’t you give my translator a raise. He’s definitely not making any of this shit up, he’s a good guy. Give him all of your trust.”
Leave a Comment [+] 
Digg 
Del.icio.us 
Technorati 
StumbleUpon
More: jasper, pixel parodies, sega
Retired game character and part-time oil rig worker Mr. Driller has finally decided to follow his roots, slap on some sensual smelling oils, and reveal all on camera for the break out adult film Deep Drilling. Mr. Driller’s father (Dig Dug, alas Dug Diggler) stared in several adult films including the literally ground breaking Debbie Does Digger. Following in his father’s sweaty footsteps, Mr. Driller decided he needed in on the dripping wet action.
Keep reading for the Press Release.
Video games and rap practically share the same birthday. They both suffered equal struggles to move from being niche entertainment facets for obsessive, socially deprived teenagers to being universally embraced as billion dollar industries. Both of them evolved past their simplistic pattern based grassroots and now focus more on blinged out visuals and over the top productions. But the parallels don’t stop there. Ever wonder where these insane video game character ideas come from? How do we continuously end up playing games that star complete lunatics, totally detracted from realism or normalcy? Well, we just cracked the code. Here are ten rappers and their possibly inspired but definitely just as flashy video game character counterparts. So read on to see where your favorite stars jacked their styles.
In an unfortunate poor decision, local priest Father “Fingals” McFinagain, decided to use his game development degree to “combine my passion for the lord, video games, and touching things.” Developing the game over several years inside a confessional, the father had been conducting what he had called field research.
It’s The Blood of Christ, Drink Up! has been confiscated by local authorities. Unaware of the content, St. Paul’s cathedral had funded the game as a means of raising money after collection plates had dried up. Fewer attendees have been showing up due to the fact that parents don’t want their kids near a priest.
Mature living shouldn’t mean you have to sacrifice life’s simple pleasures. Do you need an increase in life bar that can both satisfy her needs while enduring the stresses of war? Have you tried Viagra? Yes, Viagra.
“All the sneaking around wore me out. Military rations just didn’t cut it, I needed something to give me an edge.”
Stop staring at it in disgust, pop these pills after a long day at work and experience an increase you can be confident in. Get back what the pool boy is giving her now, Viagra can give you back years of stamina. Don’t get spotted in an uncomfortable position again, choose Viagra and get the boost you need to complete your mission.
Buy in bulk and receive a complimentary, giant cardboard paper box.
I wasn’t sure if this was an actual game or an instruction manual for freshman college girls to dodge whale penises. Welcome to the Game O’ The Freakin’ Year my friends! JC Penny just released Dork Dodge as I release warmth in my slacks. To showcase their poorly titled Dorm Life line, JC Penny decided it best to get young college girls to play a retro throwback video game that feels a little too similar to Leisure Suit Larry. Follow me as I undress this game’s facade, caress its inner controls, and plunge deep into its forbidden realm.
Read on
In a police state where no whisper goes unheard and no knowing glance goes unwatched, drug trafficking must take to daring new heights in this year’s The Matrix meets Tony Montana thriller: Mirror’s Edge. Forced out of swank, club bathrooms and on to roof tops, you’ll need to blow just the right amount of cocaine to get your heart beating fast enough to jump off a building and impale yourself on a security fence. Do the wrong amount of cocaine and you’ll be high-fiving Chris Farley on a cloud.
3 Comments [+] Digg Del.icio.us Technorati StumbleUpon
More: EA, Mirror's Edge, jasper
“Remember to walk the dog and water the plants. We love you kids.”
….
Ten minutes later, the plants are all being smoked and the dog is doing a reverse Benji, running into the hills at the speed of sound. Twenty-five minutes later and the Sony Home’s once pristine, conservative decor is transformed into a Beer Bong funneling barrage of spewing liquids and wet white t-shirts. DJ Courtesy Flush then announced the semi-annual “Strip Tease For Charity” on the patio where several young women made life altering decisions which would allow their future therapists to purchase the Indian’s Pride stitched leather seats for their newly leased Dodge Caravan. Who ever invited Jeff let Jeff fall asleep on the couch while smoking a bowl, torching the Pottery Barn best seller. A PS3 was used as a shield in a knife fight. All in all, a raging party you totally missed because you were probably at home watching the Golden Girls you 30-year-old-virgin. Party of the year, AND YOU MISSED IT!
Read on
In a bold move to boost sales, the artist formerly known as the artist formerly known as Prince has recently been cast as the lead in the anticipated audible groan inducing Prince of Persia movie.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:
Long ago in medieval Persia, a confusing Prince emerges from the ashes of a war torn city, topless, lusting for blood. He will have to use the Dagger of Time, seductive voice, and sexual ambivalence to defeat the evil homophobe and confusingly sleep with his interested wife. Cringe as the Prince must escape the emotionally uplifting yet nonsensical poisonous Purple Rain. Performing magic with a penis shaped guitar at the Super Bowl, Prince must save his own kingdom by reversing time back to when he was even relevant. With a little luck, and a lot of mascara, this Prince might have just what it takes to sell enough tickets to pay the intern’s gas stipend for coming in today and emailing you this press release.
Pre-order your tickets today you sexy mother f*cker.
