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Archive for the " malfunctionz " Category
Happy Endings Senior Citizen Home, Knee Jerkens New Mexico - Crusty old stalwart Finstine F. Cauldronbottoms was reportedly furious today as he attempted to watch a video for bloody video game Gears Of War 2 on Gametrailers.com. The site apparently utilizes a drop down menu system to input your date of birth but oddly peaks at the year 1900, blocking out the literally dozens of gamers born in the year 1899 (and earlier.) Finstine had just taken a 14 hour train to an Internet Barn where he and his horse planned to spend a candle lit evening watching trailers for video games but instead ended up peeing themselves in disbelief when they discovered he was too old to view them. When asked for comment, GameTrailers told us “These archaic assholes grew up playing kick the can, if they could even afford a can. The graphical power of modern day video games would make their f*cking heads explode. And that would be gross. Die already.” More news on this story as it slowly progresses and slightly shrinks while experiencing growth in its ear and nose regions, loses control of its bodily functions, and ultimately devolves into a train wreck of senility that moves to Florida and drops dead at an afternoon screening of a Robert Redford movie.
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More: Headlines, agent b, malfunctionz, old man
Well, this story really hits home. A PETA worker has been arrested and publicly beaten after turning his front lawn into a dangerous simian obstacle course. What nerve! His monkeys, Scrunchy and Chia Pet’s Son have been captured and contained by local authority figures. “Have you ever seen that movie ‘Outbreak’?” asks a neighbor. “Yeah, well it was just like that. But with more balls! The whole neighborhood stunk like monkey shit in a hamster ball. I said those exact words to my wife. She didn’t believe me! Now guess who’s picking up the kids from soccer practice while the other one sits at home watching Orange County Choppers gripping a can of Natty Ice. That’s right ‘honey’! Pass me a cold one and scoop up the brats! Scoops!”
Redmond, Washington - Citing massive overheating problems in their Xbox360 factory divisions, mostly bald billionaire computer technology corporation Microsoft has reached out to none other than Nyko for assistance. Nyko, known for their Intercooler360 (as well as their continuous quest to be pretty irrelevant to the video game industry) seemed almost girlishly giddy for the chance to work on such a big project. Our reporters failed to take note of any quotes or additional information, however, mostly because the headline and image ideas for the article seemed funny at the time but somewhere after that, the proverbial comedy well dried up, leaving us with this snarky little cop out of a closing statement.
Read on
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More: 3rd party, Headlines, agent b, malfunctionz, microsoft, xbox360
Well, maybe it’s not broken, just kind of a jerk. Or everyone I photograph is hideous. I even used it to take a picture of the same camera on a store shelf and it detected it as a unsavory purchase. You don’t even want to know what this camera says when you take a picture at an NAACP meeting. My attempted myspace profile photo was detected as an ”Emotionally underdeveloped man-child/vanilla face” which is actually racisticaliciously accurate.
What a failure. Anyone want to buy a camera?
