Plusses & Minuses: Mega Man 9

Massouken on October 27th, 2008

Remember the days of punishingly difficult games? The NES was home to many, including Castlevania, Blaster Master, Ninja Gaiden, Abadox, and of course the Mega Man series. These were the titles that invented the art of throwing your controller at the wall and put many gamers on the path to early male-pattern baldness. Well, ready your Spackle and take off that toupé - Mega Man 9 is now available on PSN, WiiWare, and XBLA thanks to the creative sadists over at Capcom. Will the Blue Bomber’s triumphant 8-bit return make you release a Mega Buster in your pants, or is it a failed retro revival destined for the scrap heap?

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5 Things That Are Easier Than Mega Man 9

agent b on October 3rd, 2008

I never really understood the appeal of a dominatrix. Why would I willingly fork over my money to repeatedly get the shit beaten out of me in areas that are usually associated with pleasure? Yet with that in mind, I couldn’t have been more excited to throw ten dollars at Capcom’s latest (and greatest) foray into retro fetishism, the absurdly difficult Mega Man 9.

The game meticulously recreates the NES-era Mega Man titles down to the pixel and routinely reminds you that your last 20 years of comfy save states, forgiving game design and bountiful checkpoints get left at the door. I consider myself a skilled, avid gamer, but my first hour with Mega Man 9 was a giant, humiliating kick to the dick. But like a submissive little miscreant, I kept returning to my dom, letting her punish me until I forgot our safe word. Between beatings, I would ponder if generations prior to mine had to endure such hardships. That’s when I realized there were plenty of things in history that humanity has overcome that in retrospect were easier than Mega Man 9. Well, five of them at least.

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Ask The Minus World: “Mega Mans “Edition

the -minus world on June 25th, 2008

Oh goodie! It’s mailbag time here at the-minusworld.com and this week’s edition is extra special. It’s all about Mega Man! How can you kids possibly fuck up asking questions about Mega Man?

Hey Tedwin (seriously? the fuck kind of name is that?)

Your first problem, aside from writing like you were raised by eagles, is that Crystalvania 3 isn’t actually a game. Therefore we have no idea what you borrowed from your friend Tommy but its pretty clear that his apparent physical handicaps haven’t stopped him from mentally overpowering your dumb ass. So if there is any form of a “question” you’re asking us in that deformed page full of failure, the answer is “you are retarded.”

We forwarded your letter to Tommy and even received a response from him…

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Somebody Give Bubble Man A Pet Monkey

agent b on March 19th, 2008

Mega Man 2’s “Bubble Man” may seem to have things on lock within the confining context of his own underwater estate, rife with deadly piranhas, spiked corridors and killer….shrimp? But put Bubble Man side-by-side with his projectile thematic robo-brothers at the annual Dr. Wily Lab Creation Convention Picnic and his laughable little bubble blasts look straight up pathetic in comparison. I mean, check what his co-workers can do: Metal Man resides in a decapitating hell factory where he constantly trains himself to shoot violent spinning gear blades at the series’ protagonist, Air Man, Wood Man and Heat Man are all masters of their respective deadly elements, and Flash Man can fucking stop time. Bubble Man? He shoots bubbles, and bubbles only catch the attention of puppies, three-year olds, and Phil Lesh fans.

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