Tis Not Better to Receive…

Sub Farooq on April 6th, 2008

I remember when I was a junior in high school I came home one day and my mom had bought me a Nintendo 64 as a little surprise present for my last report card. Incidentally, it wasn’t like I got all A’s or anything, she just wanted to show her appreciation that she actually received my report card…rather than me taking it out of the mail like I usually did and burying it somewhere near Jimmy Hoffa before she could get her mitts on it. I found the gift ironic in a way…I mean it’s an odd gift from my mom if she actually cared how I did in school. Giving a video game console for good grades is sorta like buying a round of jager-bombs for AA members who’ve been sober for a year. The reward is essentially undermining the very thing you are trying to reward.

But my mom, like most moms, was a conniving and perpetually insidious banshee. No gift from a mom comes free and clear without some sort of benefit to her. You see, the N64 was now a bargaining chip for Mother. Here’s how a conversation usually went before I had my N64:

Mom: Sub, clean your room.

Me: No.

Now here’s the same conversation post-N64:

Mom: Sub, clean your room.

Me: No.

Mom: Clean your room or I will throw the N64 away.

Me: Where’s the vacuum?

From that day on I was always cautious of a free lunch. If it sounds too good to be true…it probably is. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go fill out this little form…apparently I can get like 13 magazine subscriptions for a buck. Score!
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Super Rolling Paper Mario

B Miggs on March 11th, 2008

Someone sent me this. I mean someone dropped this in the hallway outside my place. I mean this girl I met once brought these over and they must have fallen out of her purse. Oh shit… umm I don’t even know what these are. Well I knew at one time but forgot. Damn… I mean these people were walking by and I snagged a quick picture of these. No, no… I don’t know anything about this product whatsoever…

…shit, I think they all know now.

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Pierce Brosnan Begs Stoned College Kids To Stop Shooting Him In The Face

agent b on March 5th, 2008

Some Russian Bunker Level - After years of rumble pack driven violence, Pierce Brosnan has reportedly reached his breaking point. At a seminar held in a fictitious polygonal conference center in which no people attended, the former Bond actor pleaded to the gaming community to play something new. “It’s become an awful embarrassment. I agreed to be in a video game ten years ago and it’s been a decade of insults since. Everyone just sees me on the street and points finger guns at me and yells the Goldeneye multiplayer death theme.” Pierce then muttered a wild, unintelligible British rant which made no sense but was probably still really sexy for the ladies. Sadly, co-star Natalya Simonova was unable to be reached for comment due to being constantly killed by bunker guards, forcing Pierce to repeatedly restart his speech.

The Minus World staff celebrated the event by rigging a Gameshark to our copy of Goldeneye so we could all play as Pierce and shoot eachother with rockets and lasers for hours on end. Fuck Halo, this will never get old. Big thanks to King Brosnan for actually lending his likeness to a video game unlike that batshit lunatic Tom Cruise who actually deserves the digital bullets.
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