Shigeru Miyamoto Celebrates 56th Birthday

Massouken on November 17th, 2008

Legendary industry icon and the only Japanese man to make freckles look good, Shigeru Miyamoto celebrated his birthday on November 16th (OK, it was yesterday, we drink a lot.) The now 56-year-old mastermind behind Super Mario Bros., The Legend of Zelda, Pikmin, and a slew of other genre-defining titles most likely did what most of us do on a birthday - get drunk with friends and family, play some video games, and engage in some good old-fashioned drive-by mailbox smashing (all at the same time, of course). Miyamoto gets a little older, and the Minus World’s Miyamoto shrine gets a little more crowded; we added a lock of his hair and a sweat sock that Jasper procured during our furtive coverage of E3 2008.

So here’s to Shiggy - Happy Birthday from your obsessed loyal fans at the Minus World!

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The Lost Pages Of Nintendo Power Magazine: Houston HoopShooters Celebrity Interview

agent b on November 6th, 2008

Another page has leaked from the infamous World Power Magazine, a stain that will forever smirch the otherwise bloodless white gloves on the hands of Nintendo Power. Known for their celebrity interviews, this issue delved into the dark and seedy world of early 90’s exhibition basketball teams with twisted and sexually banworthy results. Hide your daughters!

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Nintendo Announces “Jack Shit” For 2009

agent b on October 21st, 2008

While the Wii has been a universal success, Nintendo’s focus on the casual market has lead core gamers to believe that they’ve been abandoned. Long-time Nintendo fans don’t want easily accessible nonsense like Wii Music, they want epic, 20-hour long annual revisits to the same three franchises they’ve been playing since 1985. To silence the doubters, President of Nintendo of America and former Pizza Hut marketing guru Reggie Fils-Aime took to the stage at a recent press conference and made a startling new declaration.

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The Miyamotorcycle

B Miggs on October 13th, 2008

While all those serious video game blogs spent the last week covering the Tokyo Game Show, we came away from the conference with the single most incredible piece of one-of-a-kind gaming swag ever made: The hand drawn plans for Shigeru Miyamoto’s motorcycle, stolen from the man himself. Do we feel bad? A little bit, but now we can selflessly share his scheme with the whole world. The only tough part was deciphering what was what, but being long-time Nintendo fans, we think we did pretty damn well.

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Wario And Waluigi Finally Get Laid: Meet Deach And Paisy

B Miggs on October 3rd, 2008

In an act of sympathy for the dynamically challenged duo, Nintendo has introduced female companions that could accompany them to mushroom hell. Famed creator Shigeru Miyamoto dug deep into the bowels of his sickest dream and conceived Deach and Paisy in an effort to boost the repulsive pair’s diminishing egos. The gruesome girls are in love with the guys’ plan to corrupt the Mushroom Kingdom, and they don’t even mind the occasional fart. When asked to comment, Miyamoto rambled, “I have a garden filled with Pikmin plants in my backyard!” Thanks for the info you golden Nintendo God, but next time we’ll just ask Reggie.

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Developing Charity: When Game Developers Give Back To The Community

B Miggs on September 23rd, 2008

Philanthropy at its finest, marching for marketing, or hungry for humanity, Nintendo has taken an active role in the community over the years. Whether it was giving Wii’s to Children’s Hospitals, Giving DSs To Underprivileged Kids, or Passing out Wario’s Flatulation to Los Angelites, they’ve done a great job of giving back. Pressure on their odd lack of competition peers has lead to some good things, some bad things, and some shit that I would just plain shed a single tear for if I ever saw.

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8-Bituary: Captain N

Toe Fu on September 22nd, 2008

During a fervent session of Punch Out, not-so-virile teen Kevin Keene was unwittingly sucked into his 12” Sears Roebuck brand television set and thrust into the Nintendo-themed world of Videoland. Quickly realizing the daily routine of female rejection and soiled Bugle Boys he endured in the real world didn’t apply in Videoland, he happily settled into his new environment. Freshly armed with a chic Power Pad belt buckle and Zapper light gun, he adopted the moniker Captain N and elevated his status to superstar in this new realm of licensed characters.

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Nintendo Announces Nintendo Infinity S

Kent on September 15th, 2008

Are you ready for Nintendo’s most immersive gaming experience yet? Welcome to the Nintendo Infinity S, the gaming console/protective body suit of the future!

Simply slip on the stylus finger-gloves, don the helmet to engage dozens of virtual touchscreens, insert the Nintendo Game Needle directly into the base of your spine, and you’re ready to go! Connect with friends and give vocal commands through the tiny microphone implanted in your new false tooth (hand-installed by our crack team of Nigerian dentists!)

And best of all, the Nintendo Game Needle engages directly with your central nervous system, sending signals to sensitive pressure points throughout your body. Empathize with your Pokémon like never before, feeling each scratch, punch, and bruise as they slowly lose consciousness.

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Hillcrest Labs Remote-Control Developer Sues Nintendo Over Wii

Tony Sadowski on September 4th, 2008

Remote-Control Developer Sues Nintendo Over Wii

Remote-control technology licensing company Hillcrest Labs has filed a lawsuit against Nintendo, claiming the popular Wii console violates some of its patents.

“While we have a great deal of respect for Nintendo and the Wii, Hillcrest Labs
wants a shit ton of money believes that Nintendo is in clear violation of its patents and has taken this action to protect its intellectual-property rights,” Hillcrest said in a statement.

And now, plenty of others are following Hillcrest’s lead and attempting to squeeze untold riches out of Nintendo protecting their intellectual property.

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Donkey Kong Announces Retirement from Adventuring

Sean Curry on August 29th, 2008

Pauline was on hand to provide emotional support as well as translate Donkey’s grunts and fecal slinging. “Donkey would like to thank you all for coming out today, he is touched by your- please baby, not in public, that smells- he is touched by your compassion and support.”

Donkey stated that he has found all the bananas he will ever need, and wants to retire while at the top of his game. “While he feels like he could keep doing this forever, he wants to quit while he’s still fondly remembered, instead of creating board game spin-offs and half-baked sequels.”

Pauline was interrupted at this point when a red shell shattered against the wall behind Donkey. No one stepped up as the aggressor, but Mario Mario was spotted leaving the event later with feces and banana peels all over his overalls.

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