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In an unfortunate poor decision, local priest Father “Fingals” McFinagain, decided to use his game development degree to “combine my passion for the lord, video games, and touching things.” Developing the game over several years inside a confessional, the father had been conducting what he had called field research.
It’s The Blood of Christ, Drink Up! has been confiscated by local authorities. Unaware of the content, St. Paul’s cathedral had funded the game as a means of raising money after collection plates had dried up. Fewer attendees have been showing up due to the fact that parents don’t want their kids near a priest.
Where do old video game characters go when their game is over? Thanks to a sizable endowment of gold coins from the perpetually young Mario Bros., the Fuzzy Mushroom Retirement Home and Nursing Facility has officially opened its doors to gaming heroes and villains alike. But don’t think this home for gaming’s geriatrics is simply a place for them to watch the last of their life bars drain or sit idly by and knit as their hit points reach zero. The Fuzzy Mushroom Retirement Home offers plenty of fun activities for its symbolic seniors.
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Video games vs. old people: a once divided battle between forward thinking technology and xenophobic, bedwetting confusion has finally come to a close. As much as I’m all for gaming’s rapidly aging expanding userbase, the potential death risk of these active ancestors flailing controllers in the air wildly is not worth the loss of our nation’s coveted resource of delusional and decrepit fossils posing as human beings. If they were eradicated, no one would go to the Olive Garden at 9 AM to order dinner. Crossword puzzles would go unsolved. Solitaire would play itself. The Price Is Right would be canceled. So it’s with great caution that we collectively realize that the Wii’s wildly sporadic, wand waggling pre-corpse party excuse just might hold the power to systematically destroy every single senior citizen on earth.
And on the 7th day after getting their test console back from the repair shop, Microsoft created the Xbox360, a powerful behemoth in the online console gaming scene. But with the power of X comes great responsibility, and thus the 10 Commandments of Xbox Live were created. It is of utmost importance that one follows these rules, as they are the codification that binds our gamertags in joyous, prosperous gaming unison.
Happy Endings Senior Citizen Home, Knee Jerkens New Mexico - Crusty old stalwart Finstine F. Cauldronbottoms was reportedly furious today as he attempted to watch a video for bloody video game Gears Of War 2 on Gametrailers.com. The site apparently utilizes a drop down menu system to input your date of birth but oddly peaks at the year 1900, blocking out the literally dozens of gamers born in the year 1899 (and earlier.) Finstine had just taken a 14 hour train to an Internet Barn where he and his horse planned to spend a candle lit evening watching trailers for video games but instead ended up peeing themselves in disbelief when they discovered he was too old to view them. When asked for comment, GameTrailers told us “These archaic assholes grew up playing kick the can, if they could even afford a can. The graphical power of modern day video games would make their f*cking heads explode. And that would be gross. Die already.” More news on this story as it slowly progresses and slightly shrinks while experiencing growth in its ear and nose regions, loses control of its bodily functions, and ultimately devolves into a train wreck of senility that moves to Florida and drops dead at an afternoon screening of a Robert Redford movie.
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