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Archive for the " pixel parodies " Category
Ecco has finally thrown in the wet towel and called it quits. Tired of dealing with cryptic crystals and alien invasions, this mammal has decided to settle in where its safe. “I’d rather be pet by some drunken slobs than swim endlessly through Atlantis, stuck on jumps for half an hour that will forever haunt anyone old enough to remember that shit. I’m also sick of being cursed at by angry gamers who recently bought me on their Wii looking to satisfy their nostalgia only to put their classic controller through a piece of drywall in disgust” reports Ecco’s well dressed translator. “Why couldn’t I have been that dolphin on seaQuest, or those 2 pricks in Life Aquatic, or a fucking cartoon. Seriously, anything is fucking better than this!” his interpreter explains. “And while you’re at it, why don’t you give my translator a raise. He’s definitely not making any of this shit up, he’s a good guy. Give him all of your trust.”
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More: jasper, pixel parodies, sega
Before David, The Sistine Chapel and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles made him an oft-dropped name in snob circles and talky dens of artistry, Michelangelo created his most visionary work ever: the recently unrobed “Statue Of Pit.” What makes the statue so boldly intriguing is the striking resemblance it makes to the classic Kid Icarus turned Smash Brothers. video game star of today, right down to the name. Upon news of the statues unveiling, hundreds of school children flocked from their usual after school Pokemon swapping at the Nintendo World Store in midtown Manhattan to rush the gates of the Metropolitan and be the first to catch a glimpse of their favorite boyish brawler in all his glory. But quickly, lives were ruined and children fled the scene screaming as the site of Pit’s stoney arrow upgrade beamed vividly into their souls. The museum has since employed strict security and heavily enforced age requirements before allowing anyone into the exhibit. In related news, Princess Peach has reportedly publicly shown interest in purchasing the statue for her private art collection. More news on this story never, ever again because we’ve seen enough pixel dick today to cry for an entire lifetime.
As if Nascar wasn’t dangerous enough, rookie driver Jason Frudnick just won the endorsements he needed to get his tank, Sophia the 3rd, spinning her wheels on the track with the big boys. An underdog story for some, the race turned tragic after Jason started blasting his canon into the sea of competing cars. For the first time in Nascar history, these cars had a real reason to be speeding. The blood and erupting gas tanks unsurprisingly didn’t dispel the crowds as High Life and Budweiser sales rose 300%. The crowd cheered as Danica Patrick finally caught a master blast to the chin. The action was so intense that no one even bothered to tell Big Uncle Bob to stop drinking and put his shirt back on.
You’re probably dreading your high school reunion, but at least yours won’t involve bumping into a guy who kidnapped your girlfriend, held her hostage at the top floor of a building, and made you fight dozens of street gang members with bats and tires. It’s not like you can just walk up to him and tell him about your new promotion. He fucking ransomed your high school sweetheart, man. That is some never forgive type shit. So as expected, former classmates Ryan and his friend Alex (who tagged along to get his ass kicked in the 80’s without the promise of some kidnapped pussy, Luigi style) bumped into River City’s most ruthless bully Slick while he was attempting to spike the punch bowl and shit just popped the fuck off.
Where do the pixelated high school drop outs and career fair dodgers end up when everyone else with legitimate work ethic has moved on to more lucrative pastures? Where can angst-ridden teens come to learn leadership, team spirit, and marginal managerial experience for $5.03 an hour at a patty-presser? Where is the best place to hide rat shit in a customer’s lunch with little chance they’ll even notice because it just seems to get lost in that signature frothy blend of oil, sweat and special sauce?
That’s right. Burger Time, bitches.
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More: B Miggs, pixel parodies
Chigago, IL - Stars of the NES action game Double Dribble, Sidney Deane and Billy Hoyle, have made themselves a new home hustling on the streets of the windy city. It all turned very illegal very quickly once their Double Dribble royalties ran out. When asked about the seedy underbelly of back street hoops, Sidney Deane commented “Oh man, shut your anorexic malnutrition tapeworm-having overdose on Dick Gregory Bahamian diet-drinking ass up. Leave me alone!” Clearly the words of a man gone insane. We consulted his partner about their new “occupations” and his response was just as aggravated. “I’ll tell you what, why don’t we take all these bricks and build a shelter for the homeless, so maybe your mother will have a place to stay.”
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More: B Miggs, Headlines, NES, pixel parodies
Scare the dreaded White Whale away with Bubble Bobble Bubble Bath, recently released for your bathroom, ya big dummy! From the makers of Double Dragon Rubble Rags and Double Dribble Pillow Powder (for the balls!) comes a feeling of fresh that few feel. Experience the invigorating sensation of Bubble Bobble’s fruity aroma as two ancient pixelated dinosaurs cover your moist body in bubbles. This signature blend will have you exploring your own cave of monsters. You’re going to want to spell out “E-X-T-E-N-D” in bubbles all over your wet walls. Just watch out for sharks and spikes!
Read on
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More: B Miggs, Headlines, images, pixel parodies
Who knew these carnies would concoct a cover so clever? Answer: The Minus World. To all those balloon pilots out there you are officially on high alert. After some research into the back story of these unnamed aerial bandits as to what exactly funded the development of a game based on battling balloons, I found this single image. Proof, at long last, of the secret behind the legend.
Ever double-fisted beer cans? How about double fisting beers while your other two fists hoist a keg in the air? Mortal Kombat’s quad-handed boss has your dumb ass beat. Sure, he wears a ying yang thong, no shoes, and athletic tape on his ankles, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be manlier than everyone around him. Imagine if you could chug a 40, pour a vodka shot, light a bonghit and throw up a gang sign all at the same time. That’s him in his element, which makes him the ideal party pal. He’s like Ogre from Revenge Of The Nerds but with less clothes. And hair. But added appendages don’t always equate to tougher tolerance and Goro has a long, long night ahead of him…
Final Stage of Dig Dug, New Jersey - The elusive corpse of Jimmy Hoffa has finally been unearthed by gaming’s most legendary excavator, no less. Dig Dug’s nameless protagonist took a break from looking like a Smurf in a Klan robe to mine the legendary Teamster out of the ground. Sadly, Hoffa’s oft-rumored riches were nowhere to be found, although he did reward the player with an 8,000 point score usually associated with a pineapple fruit bonus. When asked for comment, Namco was too busy f*cking Pacman’s corpse to reply, but notorious Sicilian Mob boss Stitchy “The Taint” Kavuto was more than happy to give his condolences. “He was a monster, this guy. Once he took care of that thing with that guy down at the thing with the aquarium with the bookie with this guy with that thing, we knew he was a made man. May he rest in peace now that he ain’t down there with them dragon snakes and the red mask lookin’ f*cks that one would usually associate with them underground tunnels one would usually find in your typical level of Dig Dug, if you catch the draft of my ballzones.” We don’t, Stitchy, but at least this mystery has finally been solved. The only mystery left to crack is why anyone found Dig Dug enjoyable to begin with. That game sucks!
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More: dig dug, jasper, namco, pixel parodies
