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Ecco has finally thrown in the wet towel and called it quits. Tired of dealing with cryptic crystals and alien invasions, this mammal has decided to settle in where its safe. “I’d rather be pet by some drunken slobs than swim endlessly through Atlantis, stuck on jumps for half an hour that will forever haunt anyone old enough to remember that shit. I’m also sick of being cursed at by angry gamers who recently bought me on their Wii looking to satisfy their nostalgia only to put their classic controller through a piece of drywall in disgust” reports Ecco’s well dressed translator. “Why couldn’t I have been that dolphin on seaQuest, or those 2 pricks in Life Aquatic, or a fucking cartoon. Seriously, anything is fucking better than this!” his interpreter explains. “And while you’re at it, why don’t you give my translator a raise. He’s definitely not making any of this shit up, he’s a good guy. Give him all of your trust.”
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More: jasper, pixel parodies, sega
At a secret booth at this year’s Tokyo Game Show, a Sonic Team representative gave us a rare look at how modern 3D Sonic games are made. Their latest effort, Sonic Unleashed, features Sonic as a werehog slowly combating enemies in an outdoor European café. No joke. They must have played the original Sonic games and said “this is fun, but what if we made it slower, clunkier, hairier, and more European?” Thus, Sonic Unleashed was born. Before being taken backstage by Sega (who has been taking Sonic fans in the backstage since the mid 90s), we mumbled to ourselves, “do these idiots have a giant wheel where they come up with all these terrible ideas?” Lo and behold, we were right on the money!
A fresh teeny tiny adorable tombstone popped up in the gaming graveyard this week. Etched in granite, the newly-opened worm buffet reads, “Alicks Cidd.” The misspelling comes as no surprise, as even in death, this mini-mascot garners no respect.
In an announcement that seems years in the making, Sega has finally conceded in the battle against good art. That’s right, the guys who created such memorable video game icons as Big The Cat have given up and left the creative work up to their fans. A recently revealed contest shows Sega on their knees, begging for some art assistance from the last few loyal Sonic fans on earth, promising that their work will be featured in the cut-scenes of the upcoming Sonic And The Black Knight. Just make sure you hurry up and get your fingerprints and doodles in by September 12th! After all, what would a Sonic game be without it being rushed in every aspect? But wait, as much as we’d love to mock Sega for the generally atrocious art direction they’ve taken their mascot the last few years, would their fans be any better? The answer to that question is a giant, bold “NO” spray-painted in hot pink across the pearly gates of a manga convention. In fact, we’re even willing to back up our claim with visual evidence. So hide your children and hang on to your pantaloons, the 20 worst examples of Sonic The Hedgehog fan art are about to punch you in the goggles.
Like Liza Minelli’s make-up artist, i’ve been sugar coating a rotting corpse for years. I’m too nostalgic to admit that arcade gaming is a dead venue for a once virtuous facet of entertainment. So it pains me to stumble into its blinking eulogy on a seemingly whimsical afternoon getaway to Point Pleasant, New Jersey. “Let’s Go Jungle” is Sega’s most recent attempt to make arcade gaming suicidal for ever existing. Who knew they had time left over after routinely murdering Sonic the Hedgehog? So what is this awkwardly titled, glitzy little pastel bang van, you ask? Nobody knows for sure, but I can’t help but assume it represents all that’s wrong with the world of video games. The promotional ad seems to suggest that Dakota Fanning and Steve-O willingly “jungle” into a jungle full of giant bullfrogs, deadly insects and PS1-era graphics in order to…I don’t fucking know. The arcades used to be a haven for bold new ideas that couldn’t be achieved on home consoles and I guess in that sense, “Let’s Go Jungle” succeeds. The difference, though, is that we actually wanted these games in our homes eventually. There were practically riots when Mortal Kombat came to Genesis. Now we’re left with Jeep-tent thematic monstrosities that don’t know what they want to be, where they are, or why they even exist. Let’s Go Funeral.
Sega proves again that their genius has no rival. The cover of the September issue of Nintendo Power has unveiled “Sonic & The Black Knight.” The biggest next-gen/black comedy crossover in history has arrived! How many more of these games can we take before Sega hires a new marketing team? I’ll tell you how many: 5 of them after the jump.
Finally! Nintendo and Sega just jogged through the toxins of stark overpopulated protest to bring us the most deadly-to-inhale video game of our barely breathable summer. Depicting a much more accurate Beijing festival of treacherous athleticism, Mario & Sonic team up to most likely die in unison. Who will win first!?
So pump your fists and cheer for our species before we’re eradicated by smog and acid rain . Go Olympics!
Remember that movie “Teen Wolf” you’d inevitably find yourself watching on a Saturday afternoon because you’d be way too hung over to find the remote? Well, fall out of the top bunk, take a look in the mirror, and blame your drunken debacles on the full moon last night. Apparently, your beloved Genesis game ($0.02 resale at Game Stop) was originally designed as the worst movie tie-in of your adolescence.
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More: altered beast, images, jasper, sega
Green Hill Zone - The gaming world joined hands today to collectively skip out on the recent passing of shitty Sonic the Hedgehog side character, Big the Cat. Doctors have yet to confirm the cause of Big’s death but inside sources say he most likely died of fail. When asked for comment, diabolical villain Doctor Robotnik replied “Who the fuck is that?”
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