Hey Kawasaki, Will There Be Any Advertisements For Kawasaki Snowmobiles In “Kawasaki Snowmobiles” For Wii?

B Miggs on May 6th, 2008

Ever wondered how easy it could be to obtain the rights to the most self fellating, rib removing, narcissistically corporate video game adventure of all time? Just “chill” with the ad pals over at Kawasaki! Sure, the game sucks balls (from every glistening angle on the prism of consumerism,) but who cares? Games aren’t about escapism or the ability of the player to face new imaginary worlds. These days they’re about sponsorship and product placement, you dumb yatch! We caught up with the Kawasaki Snowmobile dev team for a quick word on what their new game is really about!

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PETA Member Busted for Recreating Super Monkey Ball Stage in His Driveway

B Miggs on March 13th, 2008

Well, this story really hits home. A PETA worker has been arrested and publicly beaten after turning his front lawn into a dangerous simian obstacle course. What nerve! His monkeys, Scrunchy and Chia Pet’s Son have been captured and contained by local authority figures. “Have you ever seen that movie ‘Outbreak’?” asks a neighbor. “Yeah, well it was just like that. But with more balls! The whole neighborhood stunk like monkey shit in a hamster ball. I said those exact words to my wife. She didn’t believe me! Now guess who’s picking up the kids from soccer practice while the other one sits at home watching Orange County Choppers gripping a can of Natty Ice. That’s right ‘honey’! Pass me a cold one and scoop up the brats! Scoops!”

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This Is Either A Donkey Konga Review Or An Alternate Method Of Anger Management For Girls Who Drink Too Much Gin

Scarlene on March 6th, 2008

This game completely changed my life. I went from smashing out store front windows, random people’s faces, binge drinking through life and throwing up on people’s couches, to just being drunk and hilarious. How? Donkey Konga, that’s how, you dumb yatch.  The object of the game is to completely smash the shit out of some giant plastic bongos and if you happen to do it in rhythm, you win. I’m dead serious. You just sit there hitting shit. That’s it. In fact, you’re allowed and encouraged to do so.  It’s like heaven wrapped itself in Nintendo packaging and brought itself to my doorstep.

I think every bar in the land should have this game. Get people all cranked up on Sparks or Red Bull vodkas and let them take all their pent up aggression out on inanimate objects instead of each other. Donkey Konga is good for people from all walks of life. Frat boys, abuse victims turned porn stars, your white trash grandfather that’s a little itchy with the switch, and anyone who’s ever felt oppressed or frustrated for whatever excuse they have for being a shitty person this week. Buy it instead of spending money on tissue boxes, doilies and sending flowers to yourself. I highly recommend and will also school your ass in said game.

“I Think My Camera’s Face Detection Is Broken…”

jasper on March 6th, 2008

Well, maybe it’s not broken, just kind of a jerk. Or everyone I photograph is hideous. I even used it to take a picture of the same camera on a store shelf and it detected it as a unsavory purchase.  You don’t even want to know what this camera says when you take a picture at an NAACP meeting. My attempted myspace profile photo was detected as an ”Emotionally underdeveloped man-child/vanilla face” which is actually racisticaliciously accurate.

What a failure.  Anyone want to buy a camera?